Dad's Stories

To All,
I would like to share some humorous stories in this thread from my father's collection. He passed away about 1.5 years ago and I recently came across a folder of funny stories and sayings and such, that he collected. Some are from newspapers and others are from when we owned a bar. He was also a ham radio operator so some are related to that. I will post all to this thread. Questions and comments are certainly welcome. Please do not be offended if you are of certain European decent. He made fun of all.

First one, The Rules.

1. The female is ALWAYS right
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification
3.No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5.The female is NEVER wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
7. If rule 6 applies the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The male must NEVER change his mind without express written consent from the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at ANY TIME.
11. The male must remain calm at ALL times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
14. If the female has PMS, All rules are NULL AND VOID!!

Chuckle for the day

Remember old folks are worth a fortune, With silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.
I have become a little older since I saw you last and some changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I an seeing five gentleman every day.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me to get out of bed. Then I go see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my attention.. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place for very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day I'm tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What life!!

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, oh, I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement, I ask myself, what am I here after?

Artery- The study of paintings
Barium- What you do when CPR fails
Cesarean Section- A district in Rome
Colic- A sheep dog
Congenital- Friendly
Dilate- To live long
Fester- Quicker
G.I. Series- A baseball game between teams of soldiers
Gippe A suit case
Hangnail- A coat hook
Medical staff- A doctor's cane
Morbid- A higher offer
Nitrate- Lower than the day-rate
Mode- Was aware of
Outpatient- A person who has fainted
Post- operative- A letter carrier
Protein- IN favor of young people
secretion- Hiding anything
Serology- Study of English Knighthood
Tablet- A small table
Tumor- An extra pair
Urine- Opposite of you're out
Varicose veins- Veins which are close together.

I like the second one but the first one is so true, You know what the difference is bettween a women on PMS and a pittbull?


LIPSTICK!!

Not much from what I can remember. I give up. Ohh Lipstick! I see it now..LOL

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math with calculations. The dog's name was T-square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square , a circle, and a triangle which the did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was smarter. his dog was named Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back and divide them into piles of 3 which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog Measure was told to get a quart of milk and pour 7 ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and their dogs were equally smart.
They all turned to the union member and said "what can your dog do". The Teamster member called his dog whose name was Coffee Break and said "show the fellas what you can do. Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for workmans comp and left home for sick leave.

in the beginning was the plan
and then came the assumptions
and the assumptions were without form
and the plan was completely without substance
and darkness was upon the face of the workers
and they spoke amongst themselves, saying
"it is a crock of shit and it stinketh".
And the workers went unto their supervisors and sayeth
'it is a pail of dung and none can abide the odor thereof'
and the supervisors went unto their managers and
sayeth unto them
'it is a container of excrement, and none can abide it
and the managers went unto their directors and sayeth
it is a vessel of fertilizer and none can abide it's strength
the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another
'it contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong
the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth to them
it promotes growth and is very powerful
the vice presidents went unto the president and sayeth unto him
this new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency
of this company, and certain areas in particular
and the president looked upon the plan and saw that it was good
and the plan became policy
and that is how shit happens

in the beginning was the plan
and then came the assumptions
and the assumptions were without form
and the plan was completely without substance
and darkness was upon the face of the workers
and they spoke amongst themselves, saying
"it is a crock of shit and it stinketh".
And the workers went unto their supervisors and sayeth
'it is a pail of dung and none can abide the odor thereof'
and the supervisors went unto their managers and
sayeth unto them
'it is a container of excrement, and none can abide it
and the managers went unto their directors and sayeth
it is a vessel of fertilizer and none can abide it's strength
the directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another
'it contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong
the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth to them
it promotes growth and is very powerful
the vice presidents went unto the president and sayeth unto him
this new plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency
of this company, and certain areas in particular
and the president looked upon the plan and saw that it was good
and the plan became policy
and that is how shit happens

Love this one, sounds like this place.

Lord, Thou knowest that I am growing older. Keep me from becoming too talkative, and particularly keep me from falling into the tiresome habit of expressing an opinion on every subject.
Release me from the craving to straiten out everyone's affairs. Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details. Give me wings to get to the point.
Give me grace, dear Lord, to listen to others describe their aches and pains. Help me endure the boredom with patience and to keep my lips sealed. For my own aches and pains are increasing in number and intensity and the pleasure of discussing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by.
Teach me the glorious lesson that, occasionally, I might be mistaken. Keep me reasonably sweet; I do not wish to be a saint (saints are so hard to live with) But a sour old man is the crowning work of the devil.
Make me thoughtful, not moody; helpful, but not pushy; independent, yet able to accept with graciousness favors that others wish to bestow upon me.
Free me of the notion that simply because I have lived a long time that I am wiser than those who have not lived so long.
If I do not approve of some of the changes that have taken place in recent years, give me the wisdom to keep my big mouth shut.
Lord knows that when the end comes, I would like to have a friend or two left.

Cigarette smoke is the residue of your pleasure.
It permeates the air and putrifies my hair and clothes, not to mention my lungs
This takes place without my consent!
I also have a pleasure; I like a beer now and again.
The residue from my pleasure is urine. Would you be annoyed if I stood on a chair and pissed on your head and clothes without your consent?

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer, who said his dog could do math with calculations. The dog's name was T-square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square , a circle, and a triangle which the did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog was smarter. his dog was named Slide Rule. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back and divide them into piles of 3 which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was good, but he felt his dog was better. His dog Measure was told to get a quart of milk and pour 7 ounces into a ten ounce glass. The dog did this with no problem. All three men agreed this was very good and their dogs were equally smart.
They all turned to the union member and said "what can your dog do". The Teamster member called his dog whose name was Coffee Break and said "show the fellas what you can do. Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, applied for workmans comp and left home for sick leave.

Now that was a good joke...

Heck all of them were good even Rons...LOL

good stuff

Note: I think most will like this one.


When God made man, there was only the one, and the various parts of the body argued about who would be boss.
The hands said they should be boss because they did all the work.
The feet thought they should be, because they took man to where he could do the work and get the food.
The heart thought it should be because it pumped the blood that allowed food to be digested by the stomach and reach the body.
The brain said, "No, I have to send all the signals to each of you to do your job, therefore, I am the boss"

The Asshole said, "I'll show you who's boss." And clogged up and would not let anything pass, after a few days, the stomach ached... the hands were helpless...the feet could not carry the body...the heart was about to stop pumping blood...the brain's signals were being ignored.
To all this is a moral......you don't have to be a brain to be a boss....just an asshole

Note: I think most will like this one.


When God made man, there was only the one, and the various parts of the body argued about who would be boss.
The hands said they should be boss because they did all the work.
The feet thought they should be, because they took man to where he could do the work and get the food.
The heart thought it should be because it pumped the blood that allowed food to be digested by the stomach and reach the body.
The brain said, "No, I have to send all the signals to each of you to do your job, therefore, I am the boss"

The Asshole said, "I'll show you who's boss." And clogged up and would not let anything pass, after a few days, the stomach ached... the hands were helpless...the feet could not carry the body...the heart was about to stop pumping blood...the brain's signals were being ignored.
To all this is a moral......you don't have to be a brain to be a boss....just an asshole

Thta's so true :iamwithstupid:

Sounds like a very pleasant man to be around! Thanks for these, my dad has been gone 18 years now and a lot of this reminds me of dads attitude and the humor he had. Good stuff!

Thanks Ron, Yeah he was kind a joker. Very smart man. Knew I would miss him.

One of the most powerful tools you have for managing your time is the word "NO". You do not have to do everything, please everyone, and be everything to everybody. You have the right to act on your priorities, not someone else's.

You don't have to respond to the thoughtless, inconsiderate or wasteful requests for your time, any more than you have to respond to similar requests for money.

No one has any more control over your time than you permit. It's your time and if someone else controls it, it's because you let them.

Rely on your own goals and objectives: say "no" when the proposed activity would not bring you closer to your goals.

You don't have to be aggressive, to be assertive. The difference is that aggression is infringing on another's right: assertion is making claim to your own rights. Assert your right to control your time.

Make it a policy to not to respond automatically or unthinkingly to other peoples demands or requests.

If you don't want to explain why you are saying no, remember that you don't have to give a reason.

If you say "I don't have the time", you mean "No, I'd rather spend my time in other ways," and that's OK.

If you say " I'm too busy" you mean, "No, the other things that I'm doing are more important to me", and that's OK.

Avoid interacting with people who make unreasonable demands.

Avoid interaction with people who try to take advantage of you.

Don't solve other peoples problems. Identify "who owns the problem" before solving it.

Resist reverse delegation. the people who work for you should bring you solutions, not problems.

Don't feel guilty when you say no.

I am writing in response to your request for additinal information on my recent accident. In block 3 of the accident form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of the accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot antenna tower. When I had completed my work, I had discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and hardware down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately, was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and hardware into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope holding tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools and hardware. You will note in block 11 of the accident form, that I weigh 155 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of tools and hardware, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming back up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell on the pile of tools and hardware and, fortunately, only 3 vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report however that as I lay there on the tools and hardware, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel above me, I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope.

Thats Wile E. Coyote stuff!!! Was that one of those cheaply made "Acme" barrels?

An important bit of info was drilled into my head at an early age by my dad.

RULE # 1. The happier you keep the womenfolk, the better your quality of life will be.

RULE # 2. When situations arise that cause concern as to the correct response---refer to RULE #1.

As I approached my late teens, I started to realize dad wasn't quite the fool I took him to be.

My parents were married for almost 62 years.

More bits of dad's wisdom...

"Never feel useless, you can always serve an example of how not to be.

"The opinions expressed by the husband in this household do NOT nessasarily represent those of the management." :hmh:

This could be a little Jonny joke but is written as Jimmy. It's a little rough so I will supplement some of the language.


Titled: I'm going to be a builder when I grow up

Did you hear about little Jimmy? He's 4 years old.
He was bugging his mother, so she said, "why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work. Maybe you will learn something"

Jimmy was gone for about 2 hours. When he came home his mother asked him what he had learned.
Jimmy replied, "Well first you put the God D$^** door up, then the son of a bitch doesn't fit. So you have to take the C&*k sucker back down. Then you have to take a C-hair off each side and put the mother f%^&&r back up

Jimmy's mother said "you wait till your father comes home!!"
When Jimmy's dad got home, his mom told him to ask Jimmy what he had learned across the street.
Jimmy told him the whole story.
Jimmy'd dad said " Jimmy, go outside and get me a switch"
Jimmy replied "F$%k You, that's the electricians job!!"

An important bit of info was drilled into my head at an early age by my dad.

RULE # 1. The happier you keep the womenfolk, the better your quality of life will be.

RULE # 2. When situations arise that cause concern as to the correct response---refer to RULE #1.

As I approached my late teens, I started to realize dad wasn't quite the fool I took him to be.

My parents were married for almost 62 years.

More bits of dad's wisdom...

"Never feel useless, you can always serve an example of how not to be.

"The opinions expressed by the husband in this household do NOT nessasarily represent those of the management." :hmh:

You exactly right "a happy wife means a happy life" do the opposite & see what I mean, my dad would just say "yes dear" & then proceed to do what he wanted to...

I am writing in response to your request for additinal information on my recent accident. In block 3 of the accident form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of the accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot antenna tower. When I had completed my work, I had discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and hardware down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately, was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and hardware into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope holding tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools and hardware. You will note in block 11 of the accident form, that I weigh 155 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of tools and hardware, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming back up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell on the pile of tools and hardware and, fortunately, only 3 vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report however that as I lay there on the tools and hardware, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel above me, I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope.

Being a Ham Radio Operator myself, I fount this to be excruciatingly funny.... :laughing4:

ps..Sorry to hear about your Dad. I lost my father last April.

I am glad you enjoyed it. Yeah he kept log books all the way back into the 40's. He hadn't been into it for the last 5 years or so but if you have been on air for a while, it's quite possible you could have talked to him.
In his later years, I got myself elected to climb up his 50 foot tower and do some work on it for him. NOT FUN!

i am writing in response to your request for additinal information on my recent accident. In block 3 of the accident form, i put "poor planning" as the cause of the accident. You said in your letter that i should explain more fully and i trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, i was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot antenna tower. When i had completed my work, i had discovered that i had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and hardware down by hand, i decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately, was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the rope at the ground level, i went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and hardware into the barrel. Then i went back to the ground and untied the rope holding tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools and hardware. You will note in block 11 of the accident form, that i weigh 155 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, i lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, i proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, i met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, i continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time i had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of tools and hardware, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block 11. As you might imagine, i began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, i met the barrel coming back up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when i fell on the pile of tools and hardware and, fortunately, only 3 vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report however that as i lay there on the tools and hardware, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel above me, i again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope.

beautiful!!!

I am glad you enjoyed it. Yeah he kept log books all the way back into the 40's. He hadn't been into it for the last 5 years or so but if you have been on air for a while, it's quite possible you could have talked to him.
In his later years, I got myself elected to climb up his 50 foot tower and do some work on it for him. NOT FUN!

I have a 4 Element beam, Its 80 feet to the top of the mast poll, One of my elements dropped down and the SWR's are way out of whack, cant use it that way being blowing the radio is a very real possibility. Ive been up and down (thinking) trying to make myself hire someone to go up there and fix it, which im afraid wont happen until the beam is brought down to ground again, My problem is im afraid to have someone go up there, there's to many things that could happen and just don't want to deal with someone getting killed trying to help me. At 50 foot you know what things look like, scary thought, so i just use a old Star Duster (Not related to Mopar in any way lol).. Loved the story! Radio is fun, all my friends are either gone or gave it up, The one i talked to the most Larry, he just met a women married and moved to Utah, Im hoping he gets another set up. We kept each other company most every night on those long snowy wind howling nights, Thanks for the stories i really enjoy them.

I have a 4 Element beam, Its 80 feet to the top of the mast poll, One of my elements dropped down and the SWR's are way out of whack, cant use it that way being blowing the radio is a very real possibility. Ive been up and down (thinking) trying to make myself hire someone to go up there and fix it, which im afraid wont happen until the beam is brought down to ground again, My problem is im afraid to have someone go up there, there's to many things that could happen and just don't want to deal with someone getting killed trying to help me. At 50 foot you know what things look like, scary thought, so i just use a old Star Duster (Not related to Mopar in any way lol).. Loved the story! Radio is fun, all my friends are either gone or gave it up, The one i talked to the most Larry, he just met a women married and moved to Utah, Im hoping he gets another set up. We kept each other company most every night on those long snowy wind howling nights, Thanks for the stories i really enjoy them.

I know what you are dealing with as far as the tower goes. When My dad passed, there was a policeman in town who was also a ham that gathered a couple of other guys and took down the tower for my mom. They also gathered up all my dads stuff and took it to swap meets and sold some of it on ebay i think. He was building Heathkit radios in the thirties as a young teenager. He was a saver and had lots of old tube equipment and lots of other old stuff that fetched some decent money. My mom gave them a great deal on the stuff they wanted for helping her out. I had to keep an old speaker cabinet that my dad had made out of birch. Not even sure it works. He was a hell of a craftsman. Too funny comment on the star duster.LOL
The ham community is pretty close knit. I remember being up in the evening and my dad calling CQ. Over and over looking for contacts. When he would kick in his amplifier, (1200 watts) he would charge the telephone circuits in the phone in my room and I could almost hear his voice through the receiver end. He would also put a florescent light on one of the guy wires on his tower and light up the tube in the yard when he keyed the mike. He used to drive the neighbors nuts.
Glad you enjoy the stories, There are a few left to post. The rest are of the cartoon variety which I won't be able to post.