Go fund me & attorney questions

Hi everyone. Not to air dirty laundry in public, but i could use some advice. My parents, who are 93 & 88, have dementia. They have recently been moved into an assisted living facility, against their will. After their move, i quickly realised this was a huge mistake. They do not wish to be there. They call me daily for help. My sisters will not answer their calls. My parents still own their house, and could live in it, with in home care. My sisters, the oldest with power of attorney, feel assisted living is the best place for them. As they, frankly, don't want to have to deal with them. Since the beginning of their approximately two month residency, i have documented many instances, of my mother calling me in tears, over staff mistreating them. With covid restrictions in place, i can not see first hand how they are treated, with the exception of a visit, where i watched an aid, with her mask below her nose, kiss them both, through her mask, on their cheeks, while touching her nose on their skin. I haven't hugged them in over 2 months. And may never be able to, while they are still living. I have to schedule visits, limited to 1/2 hour, once a week. I called a week in advance to schedule one for Thanksgiving, and was told there were no openings ( due to all residents families scheduling, and only one MONITORED meeting room). I asked if any of my sisters had scheduled a visit, and was informed- no. My oldest sister has power of attorney, is the trustee, and a 3rd person listed on their checking account. For me to pay for in home care, their groceries, etc., i need access to or control of their money. I asked my sister to concede, and she declined. I have scheduled an initial consultation with a lawyer, who's hourly rate is $250. I fear this could be tied up in courts for a long, and costly time. With all this in mind, is there an easier/ less costly route i could take ? According to the facility, all they need is a 30 day notice, to terminate the lease. Could it be as easy as simply telling the facility they are moving out, taking them home, and having them sign their checks, to pay for everything ? Would starting a go fund me page, to cover legal fees, be worthwhile ? Have any of you done this, or been down this path ? Thanks in advance for any insight you may offer. Aaron

Sad state of affairs. Had my own sister issue. It's hard when your trying to get sister to what she doesn't want to do. Remember your sister attorneys fee will probably be paid out of your parents account. Guy I know was executor of parents estate. His sisters sued (one sister egged other on) thought he was hiding money. They drained there pockets suing and the estate's by suing. A double loss. Maybe a one time suit to show her you mean it? Tough situation, feel for you.

Can they afford full time in home care? Is their assisted living subsidized?

Sorry to hear about this. The only advice I have is to call your states Dept of Health and Human Resources and report the claims of abuse. From there they might conduct unannounced survey of the facility.

Kinda went thru the same situation in my family, doesn't get to suck much more than that. Siblings squabbling over what's best for the parents.. hope you guys can work it out somehow...I still haven't talked to my sister in 35 years.
Seems like the only winners in a lawsuit are the lawyers, regardless of the outcome.

First thing you need to do is contest the P.O.A. once you succeed in that it should all fall in place.

Tough situation there, based on my personal experience if you're parents have been professionally diagnosed with dementia they are probably in the right place. You're parents at some point decided to have your sister manage their affairs. Being a legally binding decision it will be nearly impossible and expensive thing to fight. Reason being they have dementia and can't make that decision for themselves at this point. My in-laws entire estate went towards there care. Fortunately, they were in a good place and finally accepted the decision that had to be made for them. Give it some time to let things settle down. As there dementia got worse everyone agreed it was the best place for them to be cared for and most of all safe! Gods speed 440'

4mulas said:

Can they afford full time in home care? Is their assisted living subsidized?

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They could afford some in home care. Though my sister does not share any financial info with me. I do know that with my father being a ww2 vet, the v a will pay partially toward assisted living, or in home care either one.

Sorry for your situation. Here is what we went through recently:

We moved my Dad to a care facility which was a larger institution. He would buzz to use the bathroom and even when the caregiver was standing outside his door, they would continue to do work on their computer or paperwork for 10 minutes until coming in. They did this right in front of us, so we really wondered what was happening when we were not there.

We ended up moving him to a small group home which is a house with just 5 other residents. It's a family owned business and they take care of him like he was a King. It's still hard that he has to be there, but he could not be in a better place. These small places are not as institutional and there is more of a 1x1 relationship between clients and caregivers and family. Not that all of them are great - we toured several that did not look good, but the one we found is run by fantastic caring people.

Hopefully you can find a better place and avoid the lawyers and family drama. Good luck.

440Coronet500 said:

Tough situation there, based on my personal experience if you're parents have been professionally diagnosed with dementia they are probably in the right place. You're parents at some point decided to have your sister manage their affairs. Being a legally binding decision it will be nearly impossible and expensive thing to fight. Reason being they have dementia and can't make that decision for themselves at this point. My in-laws entire estate went towards there care. Fortunately, they were in a good place and finally accepted the decision that had to be made for them. Give it some time to let things settle down. As there dementia got worse everyone agreed it was the best place for them to be cared for and most of all safe! Gods speed 440'

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The agreement between my parents & sister, was not to handle ALL their financial affairs. She was named as executress ? Of their will, when they had a family trust made. Which was to prevent their home from being taken.

Wow this is tough man and I'm sorry for you. My dad had to be the POA for my Grandmother and it nearly destroyed him and over the last nine years of her life cost about $1M. Keep in mind you're getting advice from all over the country on this forum and different states have different laws and the advice in one state may be good but not so much for another. In Ohio where you're from you can report elder abuse by calling 1-855-644-6277.

Some really good advice coming from the members here. I was lucky my parents made the decision for themselves. Dementia is evil disease for all involved.

Were your parents adjudicated by a court as unable to handle their own affairs? If not, they can revoke the power of attorney given to your sister and give you power of attorney. If they were, there's probably not much you can do to overturn the POA your sister has.

As for in home care, it can be very expensive. My father-in-law is 83 and last January we stopped his second round of chemo for Leukemia because he couldn't tolerate it and his oncologist said it probably wouldn't work anyhow. My mother-in-law is 82 and couldn't physically care for him by herself. The choice was a nursing home or in home care. Fortunately, we chose to keep him home ( started before the whole Covid pandemic). He needed 24/7 care by a certified home health aide. He has a long term care policy. Here's the costs. Health aides are $20/hr = $480/day = $3360/week. His long term care policy pays $120/day max = $840/week, so his net cost is $2520/week =$131,040/year. The oncologist said he would survive 3-6 months. It's 11 months now and he's still ok. We are still happy that we kept him home as his quality of life is far better than in any nursing home would be, especially with no visitations because of Covid. But, my mother-in-law is nervous as she see's their life savings dwindling and worried she won't be able to pass anything to her 2 daughters. I told her spend every penny if you have to and we'll pay the rest if you need it. But as you can see, the cost can be very high, especially without knowing how long your parents will need care. Just some real world numbers to consider, with the other factors like a prolonged court fight with your sister, the financial cost of that and the damage it will probably cost in your relationship with her. Tough call. Good luck.

NJRR said:

Were your parents adjudicated by a court as unable to handle their own affairs? If not, they can revoke the power of attorney given to your sister and give you power of attorney. If they were, there's probably not much you can do to overturn the POA your sister has.

As for in home care, it can be very expensive. My father-in-law is 83 and last January we stopped his second round of chemo for Leukemia because he couldn't tolerate it and his oncologist said it probably wouldn't work anyhow. My mother-in-law is 82 and couldn't physically care for him by herself. The choice was a nursing home or in home care. Fortunately, we chose to keep him home ( started before the whole Covid pandemic). He needed 24/7 care by a certified home health aide. He has a long term care policy. Here's the costs. Health aides are $20/hr = $480/day = $3360/week. His long term care policy pays $120/day max = $840/week, so his net cost is $2520/week =$131,040/year. The oncologist said he would survive 3-6 months. It's 11 months now and he's still ok. We are still happy that we kept him home as his quality of life is far better than in any nursing home would be, especially with no visitations because of Covid. But, my mother-in-law is nervous as she see's their life savings dwindling and worried she won't be able to pass anything to her 2 daughters. I told her spend every penny if you have to and we'll pay the rest if you need it. But as you can see, the cost can be very high, especially without knowing how long your parents will need care. Just some real world numbers to consider, with the other factors like a prolonged court fight with your sister, the financial cost of that and the damage it will probably cost in your relationship with her. Tough call. Good luck.

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No sir, they were not adjudicated by a court. Thanks for the insight on possible overturn. That is encouraging. I'm not even certain that they need 24 care. They actually do quite well- all considered.
I'm sorry for whats happened with your father in law. And all you've gone through.
I just want to hug my parents, while they still know who i am.

If your parents are of sound mind, I don’t see how your sister has any control over them. You’ll need an attorney to revoke the POA I believe, but that may not be necessary. Your sister needs to understand that she is not in control of their lives. Does the VA have any free or low cost legal assistance?

PRND21 said:

If your parents are of sound mind, I don’t see how your sister has any control over them. You’ll need an attorney to revoke the POA I believe, but that may not be necessary. Your sister needs to understand that she is not in control of their lives. Does the VA have any free or low cost legal assistance?

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The va having legal assistance is an EXCELLENT question. I hadn't considered that, but will now ! Thank you !

Remember, eventually when the monies run out, that facility will be able to put a lien on the house if still in your parents name. I think it sucks that your sister is behaving this way and not really communicating with you. Try at least to get the house in your name. Also check with the V.A. about legal assistance. I went thru this with my dad and it was not an easy fight with my brother but he finally saw the sense of it all in it. Good luck.

Before try to move the house in your name some states have a clawback provision. You need to know how long has to transpire so state can't get it back. In Ct it was 3 years now it's 5 years. NY had a provision heirs could keep last $100k of a nursing home resident's wealth, it gone now. See if your state has that.

Years ago, my parents had their home etc covered in a family trust.

Aarons Air said:

No sir, they were not adjudicated by a court. Thanks for the insight on possible overturn. That is encouraging. I'm not even certain that they need 24 care. They actually do quite well- all considered.
I'm sorry for whats happened with your father in law. And all you've gone through.
I just want to hug my parents, while they still know who i am.

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The way POA's work is that when you want to revoke it you just do. Your parents can tear it up and inform the parties they no longer have it. To be safe publicize it in a newspaper and keep a copy in case they try to use it after the date it's revoked. Then, have a new POA drawn up and a witness to the signing of it. If you Mother is coherent enough to dial the phone and plead for help she's good enough to take out a new POA. Your parents can do it over the phone, call your sisters and tell them straight up, that they no longer have the POA and are no longer in charge of their affairs Period. if your sisters want to fight it then they can spend their own money in courts. Get them out of there.