Bunch of jokes

[Auggie56]

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

 

[bm02tj]

A husband just finished reading a new book entitled,

“You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.”

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,

“From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?


”The wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess.”

 

[bm02tj]

Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean.


When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.


He walks into the MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone.


But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows.


The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains."


The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? and she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er."


The foreman is impressed.


He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class.


"Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet." says the Newfie.


Now the foreman is really impressed.


The Newfie has answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator!


One more test.


They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again.


This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?"


Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at mos'."


The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he.


As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree."


The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?"


When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk.


He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk.


"Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure." the Newfie states, cocksure.


The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"


The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz someone took a **** behind it eh?."


He got the job and is now the foreman.

 

[Auggie56]

Q; What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

A: Beer nuts are $1.49; deer nuts are under a buck.

 

[Auggie56]

Rodney Dangerfield 5 days ago
“Terrible neighborhood. The first day I moved in, I asked a cop, ‘How long a walk to the subway?’ He said, ‘I don’t know, so far no one ever made it.’”

 

[Auggie56]

“The other night in front of my house, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to him, ‘How come?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early!

"And my daughter, she's no prize, either. She gets picked up so many times, she's starting to grow handles!"

I got married but I had to have it annulled when I found out all my in-laws are outlaws.

I was in a bar. The bartender said, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me naked pictures of my wife!

My doctor told me I was fat. I said I'd like a second opinion, he said OK, you're ugly too.

All credit goes to Rodney Dangerfield himself.