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Bunch of jokes

Guy walks into a bar and orders a double bourbon. The bartender serves him and he chugs the drink then slams the glass down and says, hit me again! The bartender says, whoa buddy, what seems to be the problem? The guy says, all lawyers are ********! A man at the end of the end of the bar pipes up and says, I'm offended by that remark. The guy says, what are you, a lawyer? The man says, no, I'm an asshole.
 
Man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman behind the bar and a sign that reads, “Cheese sandwiches - $2.00, handjobs - $10.00”. The man looks at the gorgeous bartender and asks, “are you the one that gives the handjobs?” The bartender replies, “why, yes I am” mans steps up and says, “ great, wash those hands and fix me a cheese sandwich!”
 
A man leaves the Doctors office and heads straight to the nearest Bar. He orders a double Whiskey, the bartender pours. The man chugs it down and taps the bar..."Hit me again". The Bartender obliges. The man gulps down the second glass, taps the glass on the bar...."Hit me again". This went on once more.
The Bartender was shocked..."What is going on with you? Why are you in such a hurry to get plastered?"
The Man replied..."I just left the Doctor after getting some bad news. YOU'D drink like this too if you had what I got."
Bartender: "Uhhh, that bad, huh? What do you have?"
The Man : "Three dollars."
 
Teacher Arrested At JFK International Airport

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
 
Every week, Manny entered the state lottery hoping to win; he never did.Finally, he prayed vigorously and, hoping for God's message,
he walked around the local fairground.
A flash of lightning struck as he was passing by Nadine's carnival stall.
She was bending over and he saw she was not wearing panties.
He could see the number 7 tattooed on each of her butt cheeks.
He bet on 77, as he thought God had given him a sign.
Sadly, He lost again.
The winning number was 707.
Moral of the story: Never underestimate the importance of ******** in your life.
 
A CNN REPORTER WALKS INTO A NEIGHBORHOOD TAVERN AND IS ABOUT TO ORDER A DRINK WHEN HE SEES A GUY AT THE END OF THE BAR WEARING A "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" HAT. IT DIDN'T TAKE AN EINSTEIN TO KNOW THE GUY WAS A DONALD TRUMP SUPPORTER.

THE CNN GUY SHOUTS OVER TO THE BARTENDER, LOUDLY ENOUGH THAT EVERYONE IN THE BAR COULD HEAR, "DRINKS FOR EVERYONE IN HERE, BARTENDER, EXCEPT FOR THAT TRUMP SUPPORTER."

AFTER THE DRINKS WERE HANDED OUT THE TRUMP GUY GIVES THE CNN GUY A BIG SMILE, WAVES AT HIM AND SAYS, IN AN EQUALLY LOUD VOICE, "THANK YOU!"

THIS INFURIATES THE CNN REPORTER. SO HE ONCE AGAIN LOUDLY ORDERS DRINKS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT THE GUY WEARING THE TRUMP HAT. AS BEFORE, THIS DOESN'T SEEM TO BOTHER THE TRUMP GUY. HE JUST CONTINUES TO SMILE AND AGAIN YELLS, "THANK YOU!"

SO THE CNN GUY AGAIN LOUDLY ORDERS DRINKS FOR EVERYONE EXCEPT THE TRUMP GUY. AND AGAIN THE TRUMP GUY JUST SMILES AND YELLS BACK, "THANK YOU!"

AT THAT POINT THE AGGRAVATED CNN REPORTER ASKS THE BARTENDER, "WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH THAT TRUMP SUPPORTER? I'VE ORDERED THREE ROUNDS OF DRINKS FOR EVERYONE IN THE BAR BUT HIM AND ALL THE SILLY *** DOES IS SMILE AND THANK ME. IS HE NUTS?"

"NOPE," REPLIES THE BARTENDER. "HE OWNS THE PLACE."
 
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So, why's the groom wearing black?"
 
My friend rushes his son to the ER after swallowing several coins. I called to see how he was doing:
“No change yet ....”
 
As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car runs up to his truck and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
 
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.

Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two ********.”

“What? He had two ********?” asked the mortician.

Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two ********. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with them two ********!”
 
“We all need to work together if we want to slow the spread of COVID-19. Unite against the virus now.
WE ARE TESTING THE ENTIRE NATION FOR COVID-19
We need your help! Tonight between 10:00 PM and 6:00 AM, using laser technology we will measure EVERYBODY’S CORE TEMPERATURE.
Please stand naked at your front window with curtains open and your ID in your hand pointing toward the sky.
Your cooperation is appreciated.
 
A man woke up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor came in and said, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."



The man groaned, but the doctor went on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."


The man perked up.


"So," the doctor said, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."


The man agreed to talk it over with his wife.


The doctor came back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"


"Yes I have," said the man.


"And has she helped you make a decision?”


“Yes" said the man.


“What is your decision?" asked the doctor.


“We're getting granite counter tops."
 
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