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Caring for an elderly parent

themechanic

Oklahoma is OK
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Moore, Oklahoma
I'm sure my siblings and I are not the first to have an elderly Mom or Dad who just can't live alone anymore due to one or more health reasons. My Mom was living alone with minimal intervention from us kids. But she fell pretty hard and cracked her left pelvis and broke her left wrist. This was immediately after months of recovering from a previous fall when she broke her right arm. Now Mom is in a nursing home after having surgery on the wrist; nothing can be done for the pelvis. Her mind is slowly losing its grasp on reality in different ways and her short term memory is down to minutes.

I'm sharing this personal information, which is unlike me, to start a dialog about what to do and what to expect when the time comes for others who will inevitably go through the same scenario with their aging parents. I hope that people can share information on financial aspects of nursing homes, assisted living centers and ling term care centers, including Medicare and VA surviving widow benefits. There are other aspects to consider. Such as, legal issues involving power of attorney for medical and financial services, the effects on the care givers, day to day activities, medical staffing, etc.

Please share your stories and any helpful information that may give the next guy a resource, sort of like the Veteran's Resource Thread, to help navigate the elderly healthcare system.

I learned today that there are Memory Care Centers for the elderly who struggle mentally and/or physically. One I inquired about today cost $5,000 per month and does not accept Medicare.

Please keep this about caring for elders without politics.

Thanks FBBO

:luvplace:
 
Almost every web site you will come upon will steer you to the same bunch of assisted living companies.
I'll share more tomorrow when I can not so tired.
 
My father has Alzheimer's. He is 84 and my mother, who is 80, is his primary care giver. I handle all their finances, bills, taxes, etc., as well as doing other things they need help with.

My parents were very fortunate and were able to get into a non-profit senior community center that is very highly rated. They are currently in independent living (since my mom takes care of my dad), but the community also has skilled nursing as well as memory care that my dad can go in to.
In order to get into this center, they had to have their finances evaluated and approved. Then, to get in, they had to pay an up front entry fee of over $200,000. They now pay monthly rent for their apartment, and if my dad goes into memory care there will be additional fees - about $8,000 per month. So the bottom line is the place is extremely expensive. The good points are it is a wonderful place, and most importantly, now that they are in, they will never be thrown out, even if they run out of money. My father spent a lot of effort to wisely invest his money, and it is paying off now. My parents will be well cared for no matter what in a wonderful place.

Having said the above, I realize that most people cannot afford a place like this. I think it is very difficult to help aging parents. To contrast with my parents, when my wife's mother was dying of cancer, all the sisters banded together to help care for her. This alleviated having only one shoulder the entire burden. But it was tough and at one point my wife and I were taking turns working from home to help care for her mother. Again, we were lucky that our jobs allowed us this flexibility.

Bottom line is this is a difficult road, and there may be many different solutions for many different situations. I applaud you for starting this thread as many can get some good ideas for costs and possibilities for care.
 
Wow, Mom passed away a couple months ago. Same situation. She was doing pretty good, started slipping memory wise and fell around Thanksgiving time and broke her pelvis. A couple months back she fell and broke her collarbone and bruised up her face. (which I bet did her in.) We got a call from the Center a few days later that her O2 was low and heart rate was in the 50's. She slipped away a couple days later without much pain and suffering. But, she was 95 and had lived a healthy life. Spend as much time as you can with her. You never know how long she will last. Our local Hospice group was a Godsend. They even helped with the funeral.
I'm sure my siblings and I are not the first to have an elderly Mom or Dad who just can't live alone anymore due to one or more health reasons. My Mom was living alone with minimal intervention from us kids. But she fell pretty hard and cracked her left pelvis and broke her left wrist. This was immediately after months of recovering from a previous fall when she broke her right arm. Now Mom is in a nursing home after having surgery on the wrist; nothing can be done for the pelvis. Her mind is slowly losing its grasp on reality in different ways and her short term memory is down to minutes.

I'm sharing this personal information, which is unlike me, to start a dialog about what to do and what to expect when the time comes for others who will inevitably go through the same scenario with their aging parents. I hope that people can share information on financial aspects of nursing homes, assisted living centers and ling term care centers, including Medicare and VA surviving widow benefits. There are other aspects to consider. Such as, legal issues involving power of attorney for medical and financial services, the effects on the care givers, day to day activities, medical staffing, etc.

Please share your stories and any helpful information that may give the next guy a resource, sort of like the Veteran's Resource Thread, to help navigate the elderly healthcare system.

I learned today that there are Memory Care Centers for the elderly who struggle mentally and/or physically. One I inquired about today cost $5,000 per month and does not accept Medicare.

Please keep this about caring for elders without politics.

Thanks FBBO

:luvplace:
 
Last edited:
In the Chicago area we had good luck with the Emily Agency and Polonia Agency. The workers are independent contractors and are unique. Certainly I can share more in pm’s. It’s in home care.
 
My wife and her 6 siblings went through this within the last 3 years with her parents prior to getting them into an assisted living apartment. They made sure their parent's wills were in order. Three of them got power of attorney. Two have their credit/debit cards to purchase day to day items. Funeral arrangements were made - my father-in-law passed away this past December. Things that they couldn't fit in their apartment were given to children and grandchildren. The children sat their parents down 2 years ago to explain they were unable to live on their own anymore due to falling down, injuries, things left cooking on the stove, etc. Mom was starting to suffer dementia. They reluctantly agreed. Each of the children visit once a week on different days. They made sure mom and dad were taken out to eat every other week - either to one of the kids homes or to a restaurant. A whiteboard is in the apartment so visitors can sign in so mom knows who visited. She has Alexa so children can face time. So far, so good.
 
I'm really just at the beginning of this with my 78 year old Mother. Being an only child, I don't have siblings to fall back on or any other family for that matter. Back in 2017, she had a Cancer scare that required emergency surgery to remove a large tumor (her primary Doctor at the time TOTALLY misdiagnosed her causing the emergency). Up until this point, my Mom seemed to be aging 'normally'. The chemo after the surgery is what has caused the problems. A lot of people go thru a 'chemo fog' that effects their mindset, but not all come fully back from it. She's made great strides to get back to where she was, but she's still not 100% there and quite frankly will never be 100% ever again. She wasn't able to drive at all for about 2 yrs which was hard on her because she was so active, but in the past year, she's started to drive again on a limited basis. She doesn't go far, but, I put a tracker on the car 'just in case'. She knows it's there and was actually glad I installed it. We don't live together, but we're close enough that I see her on a daily basis.
I'm struggling to set up help for her. Not knowing which way to turn, and the stupidity I run into when I do reach out, is VERY frustrating. For example, getting her to chemo. Where she was treated, and where she had to go is literally less than 4 miles form her house. HOWEVER, the place is in a different county from where she lives (she lives within' spitting distance of the county line). Insurance was willing to try and shlep her 30+ miles away to stay 'in county' but would not help to get her 4 miles across a county line. In that instance, her Church helped get her to appointments.
I'll be watching this thread with much interest.
 
I just spent the last few years working through this with my dad. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and that's what eventuallyed to his death last October.
He spent about the last 3 years in assisted living. He had an insurance policy for that, which would pay about 100 per day. The last year was more like 5000 per month.
He hated the first place, so we moved him. ( He picked both). He hated the second also, so he was constantly trying to get me to move him again. I tried putting him off, but I felt terrible that he didn't like it. But that is a symptom of dimentia (my opinion).
The last year they kept jacking his rate up every couple of months and his insurance was running out.
There is a nice facility run by Catholic not nuns close to me, and I had plans to move him there, but he went downhill very fast.
The Catholic place was close to 5k a month, but if you ran out of funds would not boot you after you paid for a year.

In this area most assisted living facilities are owned by a couple of companies. A little monopoly perhaps, collusion for sure.

I could never get my head around Medicaid and the spend down, 5 year look back thing. But then again I'm not too bright.

The bottom line is wherever you put your parents, you have to stay active in their care or they get ignored.

We were fortunate that the place he stayed had some really good staff that looked after him well. That's not easy to find since they have high turnover, low pay.

In my opinion the administrators, sales people, corporate people are all money grubbing liars intent on squeezing every last cent from you and your loved one.
Plan accordingly.
 
Be careful what you sign!

After Dad passed, he had a couple hundred due at the assisted living facility.
I wasn't going to pay it, not my debt.
The late fee was like $249. A month so it was going to add up fast. Told the manager my dad didn't have the money to pay, she said I had signed a document that said I was responsible. She even emailed me a copy with my signature on it. I have a copy, but not signed by me.

I could have sworn I never signed that, since I don't have the resources to pay his bills. But there it was. If it had been thousands I would have fought it. But for a small amount I just paid it.
 
While we as a country debate loan forgiveness for collage students, give money to everyone through different agencies hoping it helps them make it through life long mistakes they have made, we throw our elderly to the wind. Those that paid and fought for all we have today, we step over them because they aren't any value added to us anymore. It cost us about 15 thousand a month to take care of my parents, almost three years. Ask me again why I talk about money all the time, go to one of those facilities and ask for help and they'll tell you, just tell us a few months in advance when your funds start running out. I don't need to add much more, I think everyone here has it figured out. I buried my parents with the honor they deserved and no one helped them, but us. Now, tell me again who you want me to help by giving our money to next.
 
It’s tough ! God bless you and your siblings.
Money was a issue,siblings were a issue with my parents.Be prepared to have a long conversation with siblings and make sure you are all on the same page.
Spouses also may be a issue.I won't go into details as there isn't enough time in the day to do so.Be prepared.
For us the parent was in her late 90's,Us in our late 60's and 70's.4 years in assisted living. Even with assisted living it takes a toll.Cost increases are monthly.
We are living this again with my Mother in law who is in assisted living,96 years old and fell last night,taken to the hospital.This is a very stressful time for us.
What hurts is when a parent is uncooperative and set in his or her ways.I don't blame them, but it does take a emotional toll on the (us) children.
Be prepared. I hope none of the above happens to you.It is tough times ahead.Good luck.
 
I was blessed that my father planned ahead, lived simply, and was able to set up a situation identical to the one that Hawk described in his post. He did 15 years in an independent living complex, but in the end needed three years of full time nursing care as a result of dementia. It didn't cost me a dime, would have been over $300,000 if I'd had to pay. This is the best you can do, if you have the resources. In his later years, my dad was always expressing regret that he hadn't been a better provider during my youth. I made darn sure he understood how much more he had given me by freeing me from worry about his care in later years. I highly recommend consulting an attorney specializing in elder law on this issue. Every family's situation is unique, and I am always amazed at the new angles my own lawyer comes up with to deal with long term care issues.
 
Dad had OJI which injured his cerebral spine & brain injury in 2000: got around with cane & got him off-road tires electric scooter: 2005 dad, my son, my brother-in-law, brother and myself FINALLY made it Chryslers at Carlisle!! Pop PROBABLY almost ran some of ya over (kid in candy store at 63!!) Over time, mobility declined, dementia started and back was nothing but continuos pain. Last 3-4 yrs began falling 3-5 times a month could not feel his legs but believed he could walk. Came home from work on 18th, found him on floor in family room, apparently he was on floor 3-4 hrs; wagon to hospital, passed away on 27th, 80 yrs old. Now full focus on my 79 yr old mom. Nursing homes, home care, assist living NOT CHEAP!! Believer in parents SHOULD pass in THEIR home (if possible, childs home is ok) not in a nursing home, they (and their children) work too hard to have a home; "HOME IS WHERE THE FAMILY IS" mom always said. My 2 cents
 
All of and ANY of the nursing homes are SCAMS to make LOTS of money... I have never seen so much greed in an industry in my life......
What we get for living TOO LONG.......
 
See an eldercare attorney. It's money well spent.
Agreed. If in Central Florida, call Tony at Platinum Investments. Office near Lakeland-Linder Airport. The best. NOT an attorney, but got the job done.
 
The most affordable care I found for my mom with dementia were the local board and care homes The cost was $3500 per month and with only 3 to 4 patients the care was great and with a close location made it easy on the family.
 
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