I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever......

[Richard Cranium]

~One door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

~ To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

~ When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

~ Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”

~ Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”

~ I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

~ I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

~ Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

~ If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?

~ When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

~ Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

~ I run like the winded.

~ I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

~ When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

~ I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

~ When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

~ I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

~ When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

~ Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

~ That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

~ Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

~ The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

~ My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

 

[Durandal25]

~One door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

~ To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

~ When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

~ Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”

~ Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”

~ I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

~ I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

~ Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

~ If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?

~ When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

~ Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

~ I run like the winded.

~ I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

~ When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

~ I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

~ When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

~ I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

~ When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

~ Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

~ That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

~ Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

~ The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

~ My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

I like this one the best

~ When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

 

[440Coronet500]

I'll share these with my wife, she'll get a kick out of it! Thx, 440'

 

[JimKueneman]

I run like the winded.

the story of my life!

 

[coronet68mx]

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

Guilty .

 

[khryslerkid]

I can relate to all but the last one.

 

[Slap Stick]

At my age be careful when squatting....

 

[Hey-O]

My wife is still laughing!! Thanks for sharing, made our day!!

 

[moparsaver]

Thanks RC.

 

[turbine68rt]

Is it normal to make painful sound effects getting into bed?

 

[MarPar]

 

[towtruckAl]

just what we need these days a little laughter , thanks

 

[GetX'd]

Good humor during a
Pretty humorless period. We loved em all!

 

[MarPar]

 

[Budnicks]

RC & MarPar thanks, those were great

 

[Dennis H]

Spilled Beer on the fender cover indicates an ‘abuse of alcohol.

 

[Ron H]

Hilarious thanks! Reminds me of an old work friend telling me about advice his dad gave him: "Keep a pair of extra shorts in your desk or briefcase...you just never know when you may need them." We were in our 30's at the time and found it gut busting funny! Ahh now in our 60's I've kept a pair in my laptop bag for a few years now having a close call I found rather concerning. That's the nicest pair of underwear I have and still leave them there in the bag! Glad I've never had to use...yet; but hey there is a saying with a broad range of value: "Those who plan for emergencies have fewer of them". lol