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WORDS TO LIVE BY WHEN I’M IN A WORKING MOOD I WORRY, WORK, & THINK AND WHEN I’M IN A DRUNKEN MOOD I GAMBLE, SCREW, AND DRINK BUT WHEN MY MOODS ARE OVER AND MY TIME HAS COME TO PASS I HOPE THEY BURY ME UPSIDE DOWN SO THE WORLD CAN KISS MY ***!

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS 2020 Twas the night before Christmas 2020 and all through the house Every creature was stirring, from humans to mouse The stockings were tossed on the chimney, who cares It's been months since we entertained, would Saint Nick even dare The children were...

I found this timely because today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else. A young girl with a tattoo and green hair walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today?” I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn't quite know how...

A lot of truth in this. This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this: What Makes 100% ? What does it mean to give MORE than...

LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is...

For more Clarity: THE BEER PRAYER Our Lager Which art in barrels Hallowed be thy drink Thy will be drunk (And I will be drunk) At home as in the tavern Give us this day our foamy head And forgive us our spillages As we forgive those that spill against us And lead us not to...

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared and I think I'm going crazy.” "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the...

Subject: Drivers' license eye test. I failed...

I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one. A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat is worse. Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation, "Maybe next time," isn’t the correct response. Don’t irritate old people. The older we get the less “life in prison” is a...

Subject: Chili? Another one that's been around the interwebs for a long time, but still funny. New Mexico Chili Cook off If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a...

I hope they give us two weeks notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again. And by "ourselves" I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m. New monthly budget: Gas $0 Entertainment $0...

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends...

Understanding Engineers #1: Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to...

I JUST discovered my age group! I am a Seenager (Senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 50-60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own ipad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my...