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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." "He gets her name, address, Social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your occupation?" "I'm a Lady of the night," she...

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo ! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The...

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned...

...A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?" "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three...

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head.” “Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We...

I stopped by the Dodge Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Ram pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct. The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the...

One of the hardest to find restoration products!

A hillbilly went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies. The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and...

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had...

Ethel and Myra were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. Myra leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that flower show!" "You're on!" said Ethel...

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus...

Three Old Ladies at the Ball Game This is a detective story so pay close attention!!! 
 Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game. 
They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's into the ball park. 
The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves...

You might belong to a Redneck Church if: 1. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members know how to play one. 2. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the multitudes, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what...

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex. So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem. The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely...


 I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow and was in line to check out. 
 A woman behind me asked if I had a dog...Duh! 
 I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the...