- Local time
- 3:39 AM
- Joined
- Mar 14, 2012
- Messages
- 20,677
- Reaction score
- 46,797
- Location
- Surrey, B.C. Canada
(from 1998)
MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE
AT SECRET HANFORD FACILITY
REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft
Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret
facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am
PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks
between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible
antitrust action.
"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by
any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not
that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears
shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath
of nuclear fire."
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly
dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of
Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it
was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain
bike vacation."
In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would
boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the
President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since
lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the
administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement"
with Microsoft.
Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test
justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear
Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire
"kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold,
"but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold
copies of Microsoft Bob."
Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival
operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a
radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II
microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written
by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they
deserve."
The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would
explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so
hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical
power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell
those stories about cold fusion."
Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in
California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing
all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the
project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up
progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was
rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about
deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the
biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware
engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second
time."
MICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE
AT SECRET HANFORD FACILITY
REDMOND (BNN)--World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft
Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret
facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am
PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks
between Microsoft and the US Department of Justice over possible
antitrust action.
"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by
any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not
that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears
shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath
of nuclear fire."
Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly
dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer" explained University of
Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought it
was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn, there goes the mountain
bike vacation."
In Washington, President Clinton announced the US Government would
boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the
President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since
lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the
administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement"
with Microsoft.
Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test
justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear
Reservation from the US Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire
"kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold,
"but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold
copies of Microsoft Bob."
Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival
operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a
radioisotope thermoelectric generator inside of every Pentium II
microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written
by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they
deserve."
The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II microprocessor would
explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so
hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical
power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispell
those stories about cold fusion."
Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in
California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing
all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the
project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up
progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was
rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about
deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the
biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware
engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second
time."
