Couple of jokes I just found tonight...

[kiwigtx]

A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my precious little dog who was drowning.

After he climbed out, he handed me the dog and said
"Here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off, he vill be fine"

I said "Are you a vet?"

He replied "vet?....I'm ******* soaking."

 

[kiwigtx]

Me: I think it's time to get my life in order.

Morgan Freeman: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

 

[6t4polara]

I guess you had to be there.

 

[Brandy]

snort!

 

[MarPar]

*chortle*

 

[khryslerkid]

Me: I think it's time to get my life in order.

Morgan Freeman: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

 

[kiwigtx]

I guess you had to be there.

Read it again with a Morgan Freeman accent.

 

[Kern Dog]

That is some funny ****, Roger. I sent that to the Wife with a few changes....
I worked with a tweeker that I called Fucky McFuck Face. The guy was an obvious Meth user, or at least really looked like it.
Fucky McFuck face said...."I really need to get my life in order starting now."
Morgan Freeman said...."Alas, Mr **** Face did not get his life in order starting that night or any night thereafter. Instead, he continued his habitual use of Methamphetamine and maintained his habit of taking all of his appliances apart, never to work ever again.

 

[kiwigtx]

That is some funny ****, Roger. I sent that to the Wife with a few changes....
I worked with a tweeker that I called Fucky McFuck Face. The guy was an obvious Meth user, or at least really looked like it.
Fucky McFuck face said...."I really need to get my life in order starting now."
Morgan Freeman said...."Alas, Mr **** Face did not get his life in order starting that night or any night thereafter. Instead, he continued his habitual use of Methamphetamine and maintained his habit of taking all of his appliances apart, never to work ever again.

 

[Auggie56]

A vehicle inspection

"I'm not going to cite you," said the OPP officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."

"I thank thee,” replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too.”

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home.”

True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.

He said he would put a new one on immediately.

"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.”

 

[Auggie56]

A DEA officer stopped at our farm. “I need to inspect your farm for illegal drugs.”

I said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The officer said, “Lady, I have the authority of the Federal Government. See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish. Have I made myself clear?”

I apologized and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old bull…. With every step, the bull was gaining ground.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your BADGE!!”

 

[Auggie56]

Now that I'm on a fixed income, I've disconnected my home alarm system.
I also decided to turn off my external lights and resigned from Neighborhood Watch.
To save money I've raised 2 Pakistani flags in my front garden, one at each
corner, and have the black flag of ISIS in the center.
It's so good now, my neighbors, Local Police, the Federal Police and the
Armed Forces are all keeping watch on the house 24/7.
In addition, I am followed & watched everywhere I go.
I've never felt safer, and I'm saving $149.50 a month!
GO, SENIORS!!!

 

[Auggie56]

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked?
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said,
'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'
We went back to her place. We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...are you still awake?'

 

[kiwigtx]

I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that? I asked?
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said,
'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'
We went back to her place. We walked in.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...are you still awake?'

 

[Pops1967GTX]

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[alfaitalia]

1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.
2. I was so bored I called Currys PC World just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.
3. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.
4. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!
5. This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. I came into my house and told my cat. We laughed a lot.
6. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
7. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet, or should we just keep washing our hands?
8. This virus has done what no woman has been able to achieve. Cancel sports, shut down all bars and keep men at home!
9. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!
10. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to my garden. I’m getting tired of the Living Room.
12. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank clerk wearing a mask and ask for money.

 

[Pops1967GTX]

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