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I've read on here recently that apparently I've "run out of stories". Au contrare, mon frere...
As if.
John, this one is for you - by request!
Preface: We've had one hell of a soggy, rainy and HOTTER THAN SATANS' ARMPIT summer like a lot of folks in these parts.
This of course makes outdoor chores a bit of a challenge, especially if you have a big ol' yard to look after - and of course,
a half-mile of gravel roads to try to keep graded only adds to the fun.
It's been a "record" summer, they tell us....yeah, no shiyat, meteorologist boy.
Stuff grows out here - ESPECIALLY where you don't want it to (this is farm country for a reason, after all - fertile soils and
all that), so a prudent fella winds up owning a sprayer that he's cobbled to mount to the tractor, from whence he routinely
dispenses all sort of herbicides in a constant battle to fight back the jungles.
Recently however, there came a break in the precip and off I went on the ol' tractor, seizing the opportunity...
Since I'm often on that thing for several hours at a time and I've had to resort to using hearing protection as machinery ages
(things get a lot louder with time on attachments), so it probably would make sense to use some earbuds or some such thru
which I could at least listen to music or the radio or podcasts or some such, but I never have.
I prefer to be able to listen to what's going on instead, albeit muffled by the Howard Leight earplugs:
I like 'em because the foam pieces are readily disposable and replaced; they're also quite usable when target plinkin'
over on my range, too.
So I slap those on, fire up the ol' tractor (bought it new 23 years ago!) and off down the ridge I go, choosing to work
"downhill" (from most difficult to easiest parts of the property)....
(Sidebar: I'd been through a rough couple of months medically, professionally, personally - and had thusly had some
rather gruff exchanges with The Man Upstairs, like I do - so these tractor sessions are usually a time I catch up on
that sort of thing as well. To say I wasn't terribly happy with Him at the time would be an understatement...)
There is a section of the property that is only 40 feet wide (in which to contain the access road to the house from the
tiny country road down below) and it's steep - and over the years, I've worked out an attack plan that involves mowing
with the grade - rather than against it (which a smarter fella with stronger survival instinct would do, of course).
It gets to be quite challenging, especially if the slightest bit damp - which it always seems to be - and especially these
days with older equipment and semi-ag tires whose lugs have worn smoother too, of course...
That being the hardest part of the job, though - off I go.
Now, if you were to witness this, you'd see an old man literally hanging off the left side of the tractor, grasping both steering
wheel and the ROPS post in an attempt to help with ballast to the uphill side as I slowly go down through there...
Yes, it's as silly as it sounds.
(I have had a few times in the past the tractor has "bucked" me off, tried to roll over with me on it, all manner of "lessons"
that only served to make me more creative in how to do the damn job unsafely...)
This time though, I went VERY slowly and cautiously, as I hadn't been on the thing in over a month and my "sea legs" weren't
quite back under me yet - and it seemed to be working well, as I almost made it all the way down without a mishap.
"Almost" - as in "close" to making it down....
Just when I had shifted my thoughts to where to go next though....the tractor did a sort of slow-motion powerslide all at once,
the ***-end swinging around and then hooking the ditchline, with me counter-steering and preparing to jump at the same time,
reflexively cussing up a storm, yelling at both machine under me and The Creator above me for the indignities I now found myself in.
Tractor went up on two wheels, me still refusing to let go, fighting it...and then calmly set back down eventually.
Instead of being frightened or thankful, though - I then proceeded to chew me some Holy arse:
"Dammit God, do ya think after all that's happened, you could cut me a little slack here?"
I swear, I could almost hear Him snickering...
Undeterred and by then WIDE awake, I continue the task, instead more doggedly determined than ever to get the job done.
Sidebar: Weather had been spotty, with short light showers intermittently. I'd already had to abandon ship a couple
times - and of course, heavier rain would occur the further away from the house I got. Of course they did...
I finally get all the "south 40" done and head back up to the main "yard" (read: 3 acre former pasture around the house) for the main
event. This field is totally surrounded by the forest and as storm squalls came though, I'd often duck under overhanging trees
to wait them out...
That day I did so again, still fussing about things with Him and ESPECIALLY about the stunt tractor driving previously and waiting
for the rain to stop AGAIN - when a lightning bolt struck in the woods directly behind me!
Keep in mind, there had been no thunderstorm activity - not even a rumbling - all this time, so this literally came out of nowhere.
I actually felt the jolt through the tractor...
Now...a smarter fella would have simply took it as a sign to abandon ship and plan on another day...
However, that smarter fella wasn't the one on this particular tractor, on this particular day, in that particular field.
Instead, I jump off the tractor and run out in the open and have my Oscar-worthy dramatic moment:
Raising my hands up to the heavens, I boldly challenged Him:
"Quit half-assing it - if you want me dead, here ya go. Easy target!"
Musta been quite the sight, me standing in the rain doing that Oscar-worthy performance...silly goose.
Instead of taking the shot though, all I could see or hear was Him snickering...again.
I finally cool my jets enough and realize how ridiculous this whole venture had gotten and decide hell with it, just finish the job.
The tractor and finish mower are both quite capable of mowing wet grass, so heck with it, get it done.
Still mumbling under my breath, I spend the next couple hours staring at the front tires, aiming each row and trying to go straight
so it looks presentable...and continuing this "discussion" I'd been having with Him, not having learned any lessons yet.
All that had occured to me during the first two ***-threatening events of the day was that He wanted to "off" me;
It never occured to me that instead, He simply may have been trying to get my attention...
After all, if I was REALLY supposed to get snuffed, it's like falling off a log to a fella like Him, eh?
I get to the last of the job, up behind the house along that tree line - and again, I hear a loud *CRACK!* - but there was no
accompanying thunder or flash of lightning to go with it.
In the split second it takes me to think "WTF?" - a 6" diameter, VERY long chunk of tree falls out from the trees and crashes
into the side of the tractor (and therefore, ME)....busting into the side of my nearly-new fiberglass canopy/roof and the larger
rear wheel on the "passenger" side.
Both of these managed to protect me enough from this "side impact" just enough that all I felt was a rough SHOVE from the
projectile.
What are the odds? I mean dang, to be in that exact spot at that exact time and in motion? What timing!
Oy...
I get my wits about me finally and manage to get the tractor freed from the fallen tree and assess damages.
Oddly though, I was no longer cussing and fuming...
For whatever reason, that last event of the day had instead calmed my arse right down; it occured to me that I had
dodged enough bullets for one day - and of course, doggedly stayed the course and got the job done, challenges
be damned.
Why then?
I came to my damn senses, that's why.
It became clear with a little time that all my fussing and fuming and hating on things was both unproductive AND silly as hell.
I also figured out that if He'd wanted to knock me off, He's had multiple opportunities in this life, especially in the last dozen
years or so - and that all He was doing instead was taking the opportunity of my being out there, all alone and without
distractions, to try to get me straightened out a bit.
Took quite a bit of doing, of course - I'm stubborn as a mule, especially when something is trying to keep me from getting something
done (or being hardheaded about being pissed off, for that matter) - so He simply had to go the extra mile to get HIS job done.
Conclusion: Jobs got done - both mine AND His - and as usual, it was quite the spectacle.
I'm glad nobody was filming it, too...
Whaddaya wanna bet He was actually aiming for my noggin?
As if.
John, this one is for you - by request!
Preface: We've had one hell of a soggy, rainy and HOTTER THAN SATANS' ARMPIT summer like a lot of folks in these parts.
This of course makes outdoor chores a bit of a challenge, especially if you have a big ol' yard to look after - and of course,
a half-mile of gravel roads to try to keep graded only adds to the fun.
It's been a "record" summer, they tell us....yeah, no shiyat, meteorologist boy.
Stuff grows out here - ESPECIALLY where you don't want it to (this is farm country for a reason, after all - fertile soils and
all that), so a prudent fella winds up owning a sprayer that he's cobbled to mount to the tractor, from whence he routinely
dispenses all sort of herbicides in a constant battle to fight back the jungles.
Recently however, there came a break in the precip and off I went on the ol' tractor, seizing the opportunity...
Since I'm often on that thing for several hours at a time and I've had to resort to using hearing protection as machinery ages
(things get a lot louder with time on attachments), so it probably would make sense to use some earbuds or some such thru
which I could at least listen to music or the radio or podcasts or some such, but I never have.
I prefer to be able to listen to what's going on instead, albeit muffled by the Howard Leight earplugs:
I like 'em because the foam pieces are readily disposable and replaced; they're also quite usable when target plinkin'
over on my range, too.
So I slap those on, fire up the ol' tractor (bought it new 23 years ago!) and off down the ridge I go, choosing to work
"downhill" (from most difficult to easiest parts of the property)....
(Sidebar: I'd been through a rough couple of months medically, professionally, personally - and had thusly had some
rather gruff exchanges with The Man Upstairs, like I do - so these tractor sessions are usually a time I catch up on
that sort of thing as well. To say I wasn't terribly happy with Him at the time would be an understatement...)
There is a section of the property that is only 40 feet wide (in which to contain the access road to the house from the
tiny country road down below) and it's steep - and over the years, I've worked out an attack plan that involves mowing
with the grade - rather than against it (which a smarter fella with stronger survival instinct would do, of course).
It gets to be quite challenging, especially if the slightest bit damp - which it always seems to be - and especially these
days with older equipment and semi-ag tires whose lugs have worn smoother too, of course...
That being the hardest part of the job, though - off I go.
Now, if you were to witness this, you'd see an old man literally hanging off the left side of the tractor, grasping both steering
wheel and the ROPS post in an attempt to help with ballast to the uphill side as I slowly go down through there...
Yes, it's as silly as it sounds.
(I have had a few times in the past the tractor has "bucked" me off, tried to roll over with me on it, all manner of "lessons"
that only served to make me more creative in how to do the damn job unsafely...)
This time though, I went VERY slowly and cautiously, as I hadn't been on the thing in over a month and my "sea legs" weren't
quite back under me yet - and it seemed to be working well, as I almost made it all the way down without a mishap.
"Almost" - as in "close" to making it down....
Just when I had shifted my thoughts to where to go next though....the tractor did a sort of slow-motion powerslide all at once,
the ***-end swinging around and then hooking the ditchline, with me counter-steering and preparing to jump at the same time,
reflexively cussing up a storm, yelling at both machine under me and The Creator above me for the indignities I now found myself in.
Tractor went up on two wheels, me still refusing to let go, fighting it...and then calmly set back down eventually.
Instead of being frightened or thankful, though - I then proceeded to chew me some Holy arse:
"Dammit God, do ya think after all that's happened, you could cut me a little slack here?"
I swear, I could almost hear Him snickering...
Undeterred and by then WIDE awake, I continue the task, instead more doggedly determined than ever to get the job done.
Sidebar: Weather had been spotty, with short light showers intermittently. I'd already had to abandon ship a couple
times - and of course, heavier rain would occur the further away from the house I got. Of course they did...
I finally get all the "south 40" done and head back up to the main "yard" (read: 3 acre former pasture around the house) for the main
event. This field is totally surrounded by the forest and as storm squalls came though, I'd often duck under overhanging trees
to wait them out...
That day I did so again, still fussing about things with Him and ESPECIALLY about the stunt tractor driving previously and waiting
for the rain to stop AGAIN - when a lightning bolt struck in the woods directly behind me!
Keep in mind, there had been no thunderstorm activity - not even a rumbling - all this time, so this literally came out of nowhere.
I actually felt the jolt through the tractor...
Now...a smarter fella would have simply took it as a sign to abandon ship and plan on another day...
However, that smarter fella wasn't the one on this particular tractor, on this particular day, in that particular field.
Instead, I jump off the tractor and run out in the open and have my Oscar-worthy dramatic moment:
Raising my hands up to the heavens, I boldly challenged Him:
"Quit half-assing it - if you want me dead, here ya go. Easy target!"
Musta been quite the sight, me standing in the rain doing that Oscar-worthy performance...silly goose.
Instead of taking the shot though, all I could see or hear was Him snickering...again.
I finally cool my jets enough and realize how ridiculous this whole venture had gotten and decide hell with it, just finish the job.
The tractor and finish mower are both quite capable of mowing wet grass, so heck with it, get it done.
Still mumbling under my breath, I spend the next couple hours staring at the front tires, aiming each row and trying to go straight
so it looks presentable...and continuing this "discussion" I'd been having with Him, not having learned any lessons yet.
All that had occured to me during the first two ***-threatening events of the day was that He wanted to "off" me;
It never occured to me that instead, He simply may have been trying to get my attention...
After all, if I was REALLY supposed to get snuffed, it's like falling off a log to a fella like Him, eh?
I get to the last of the job, up behind the house along that tree line - and again, I hear a loud *CRACK!* - but there was no
accompanying thunder or flash of lightning to go with it.
In the split second it takes me to think "WTF?" - a 6" diameter, VERY long chunk of tree falls out from the trees and crashes
into the side of the tractor (and therefore, ME)....busting into the side of my nearly-new fiberglass canopy/roof and the larger
rear wheel on the "passenger" side.
Both of these managed to protect me enough from this "side impact" just enough that all I felt was a rough SHOVE from the
projectile.
What are the odds? I mean dang, to be in that exact spot at that exact time and in motion? What timing!
Oy...
I get my wits about me finally and manage to get the tractor freed from the fallen tree and assess damages.
Oddly though, I was no longer cussing and fuming...
For whatever reason, that last event of the day had instead calmed my arse right down; it occured to me that I had
dodged enough bullets for one day - and of course, doggedly stayed the course and got the job done, challenges
be damned.
Why then?
I came to my damn senses, that's why.
It became clear with a little time that all my fussing and fuming and hating on things was both unproductive AND silly as hell.
I also figured out that if He'd wanted to knock me off, He's had multiple opportunities in this life, especially in the last dozen
years or so - and that all He was doing instead was taking the opportunity of my being out there, all alone and without
distractions, to try to get me straightened out a bit.
Took quite a bit of doing, of course - I'm stubborn as a mule, especially when something is trying to keep me from getting something
done (or being hardheaded about being pissed off, for that matter) - so He simply had to go the extra mile to get HIS job done.
Conclusion: Jobs got done - both mine AND His - and as usual, it was quite the spectacle.
I'm glad nobody was filming it, too...
Whaddaya wanna bet He was actually aiming for my noggin?
