Again, thank you all VERY much. I've resisted writing anything in my current state of mind - I think it would be
such a whinefest that even I wouldn't enjoy reading it when I was done.
Besides, I don't think it's anything unique for someone my age - I imagine everyone lucky enough to get this
far have done some level of self-reckoning and assessment at this point. Nothing new under the sun...
I will say this though - the same voice that has carried me through all the carnage of surgeries, cancers, flatlines
and all that crap - is the same voice that gave me the marching orders to get my **** in order, which I've done
these last 10-12 years.
Now? It's the same voice that's telling me to settle up accounts on personal and family issues - and it's telling me
not to dawdle, so I've been slogging back through my history and mending what I can with some, settling my
mind on others I can't "fix", the goal being to get to a level of resolve and finally (this is the hardest of all, by far):
Cutting myself some slack and coming to peace with
me.
Sounds simple enough, I know - but I've always been my own worst critic and taskmaster.
I can forgive just about anything and anyone - but me.
Drives my wife nuts; she tells me to knock that **** off, God love her - but the same voice is telling me this whole
journey I've been sent down the last dozen years will not be over (and peace therefore won't be achieved) until
I can get ok with this personal wreck here - but there is a time limit I'm allowed in order to get there.
Being a hetero male of the species, this is a world I have no clue how to navigate - but I guess I best get to
steppin' and learn how, pronto.
Ain't getting old FUN?
