- Local time
- 12:57 PM
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2009
- Messages
- 37,884
- Reaction score
- 52,410
- Location
- Pasadena, Texas
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
Only three. The rest are true stories.
Lawyer jokes
- Thread starter Cranky
- Start date
- Local time
- 12:57 PM
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2009
- Messages
- 37,884
- Reaction score
- 52,410
- Location
- Pasadena, Texas
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
Senator.
moparstuart
Well-Known Member
- Local time
- 12:57 PM
- Joined
- Jul 19, 2008
- Messages
- 6,586
- Reaction score
- 1,058
:rolling::rolling::rolling:
cowbay
Member
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 150 years old!”
The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 150 years old!”
cowbay
Member
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
cowbay
Member
Some Other Classics that have be emailed to me:
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton
Q: If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one?
A: Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.
Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor.
Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton
Q: If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one?
A: Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.
- Local time
- 12:57 PM
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2009
- Messages
- 37,884
- Reaction score
- 52,410
- Location
- Pasadena, Texas
What do you call a senator gone bad?
Judge
Judge
dodge41969
Well-Known Member
what do you call a bus full of Lawyer's going off a cliff?
A good start!
A good start!
- Local time
- 12:57 PM
- Joined
- Nov 21, 2008
- Messages
- 21,288
- Reaction score
- 55,500
- Location
- In GTXtacy Illinois
What do you call a bus full of lawyers with one seat empty...
A damn shame...
A damn shame...
If you were trapped in a foxhole with Osama Bin Laden, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
and you were the only one with a gun
.
.
.
.
.
and had only two bullets
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Who do you shoot?????
The fricken lawyer.......TWICE!!!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
and you were the only one with a gun
.
.
.
.
.
and had only two bullets
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Who do you shoot?????
The fricken lawyer.......TWICE!!!!
- Local time
- 12:57 PM
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2009
- Messages
- 37,884
- Reaction score
- 52,410
- Location
- Pasadena, Texas
How is O.J. Simpson different from Pee Wee Herman?
It took fewer to get O.J. off!
It took fewer to get O.J. off!
D
Deleted member 214
Guest
Why do lawyers work better than lab rats for experiments?
Because 1) you can't get as attached to a lawyer as you can a rat, and 2) there are some things even rats won't do!
Because 1) you can't get as attached to a lawyer as you can a rat, and 2) there are some things even rats won't do!
scotts74birds
Well-Known Member
A lawer dies and meets St.Peter [Didn't say he went to Heaven yet], Of course he wants to argue his case. He says "I dont understand why I'm here!? I've led a healthy life, worked out every day, eat right, and I'm only 38!! I dont remember being hit by a bus, or having cancer, so WHY am I here!"
St. Peter says "God has a reason, and a plan for everyone. But I'll check your file"
He scans the file and finds everything the lawyer had said was true. No cancer, no bus, no anything. Then, near the end of the file, he finds the reason.
He tells the lawyer, "Everything you told me is true. You are healthy, there was no accident.....But.....
"But what!" says the lawyer.
"But...According to your hours billed, said St. Peter, you are a hundred and three years old!"
St. Peter says "God has a reason, and a plan for everyone. But I'll check your file"
He scans the file and finds everything the lawyer had said was true. No cancer, no bus, no anything. Then, near the end of the file, he finds the reason.
He tells the lawyer, "Everything you told me is true. You are healthy, there was no accident.....But.....
"But what!" says the lawyer.
"But...According to your hours billed, said St. Peter, you are a hundred and three years old!"
cowbay
Member
Postal Service Goof
The Postal Service just had to recall their latest new stamp issue. Lawyers were part of the design and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
The Postal Service just had to recall their latest new stamp issue. Lawyers were part of the design and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
cowbay
Member
Obituary Mistake
A local newspaper mistakenly printed an obituary for the town's oldest practicing lawyer. He called them immediately and threatened to sue unless they printed a correction.
The next day, the following notice appeared, "We regret that the report of Attorney Critchley's death was in error."
An Observation by Sandra Day O'Connor
"There is no shortage of lawyers in Washington, DC. In fact, there may be more lawyers than people."
The Hundred-Dollar Bill.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
A Reasonable Fee
A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"
The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."
"A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive isn't it?"
"It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"
A local newspaper mistakenly printed an obituary for the town's oldest practicing lawyer. He called them immediately and threatened to sue unless they printed a correction.
The next day, the following notice appeared, "We regret that the report of Attorney Critchley's death was in error."
An Observation by Sandra Day O'Connor
"There is no shortage of lawyers in Washington, DC. In fact, there may be more lawyers than people."
The Hundred-Dollar Bill.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, and honest lawyer, and an old drunk were walking along when they simultaneously spotted a hundred-dollar bill laying in the street. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
A Reasonable Fee
A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"
The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."
"A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive isn't it?"
"It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"
Al K
Well-Known Member
- Local time
- 12:57 PM
- Joined
- Nov 15, 2009
- Messages
- 2,116
- Reaction score
- 612
Why won't a Great White shark attack a swimming lawyer?
Professional courtesy.
Professional courtesy.
Similar threads
