Man enters a tavern

[Paul_G]

Man enters a tavern with tears streaming down his cheeks:
He sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.
"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.
...
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, ..a little peace and quiet?"
"Yeah. But today is the last day!"

 

[GetX'd]

My wife promises that me that EVERY DAY!

 

[partsmonsta]

3 legged Dog walks into a Bar:
"I'M HERE TO FIND THE MAN THAT SHOT MY PAw"

 

[partsmonsta]

Horse sitting at the Bar.
Barkeep walks up to him: WHY THE LONG FACE, BUDDY???

 

[Brandy]

Two girl flies and a boy frog go into a bar. The frog hops up next to them and says, " So..what's up?" They say they are just hanging around. The frog then slurps up one fly. " WTF! says the other fly, why did you do that?" The frog says, " I like to get a little buzz with my beer........"

 

[Frank Mopar]

Even my wife laughs at this one

Baseball walks into a bar. Bartender says "what will it be baseball?" Baseball says "I'll have a pitcher"

 

[beanhead]

...a ham sandwich walks into a bar and goes, "do you serve food here?" and the bartender goes, "no".....

 

[Xp29h]

Man walks into a bar, sits down and reads a sign on the wall that says, cheese sandwiches $2.00, hand jobs $10.00. Man looks a the good looking female bartender and asks, do you give the handjobs? She replies, "why yes I do" man says "good, wash those hands and fix me a cheese sandwich"

 

[kiwigtx]

Man walks into an iron bar...and says ouch!

 

[kiwigtx]

Pastor John Flapps sees a lady Church member getting drunk in a pub. He tries to take her home, but they fall and he ends up on top of her.
The Landlord shouts "Oi mate, you can't do that in here!"
Pastor John replies "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps"
Landlord says, "Oh well, if you're that far in you may as well finish."

 

[kiwigtx]

Stunning lady walks up to the bar. She signals the barman to bring his face close to hers. Running her fingers through his hair she says softly "Are you the Manager?"
"No." he replies.
"Can you give him a message?" she asks, stroking his face and allowing two fingers to slip into his mouth so he can suck them gently, and sliding them seductively around his teeth and over his tongue.
"Tell him there's no fuckin' toilet paper!"

 

[Timmayy]

Guy walks into a bar. Sitting there drinking shot after shot he gets totally trashed. He looks over and sees a jar full of 20 dollar bills. He asks the bartender "What's that for?"
Bartender says "It's the jar of tasks. You put up $20 and you have to complete 3 tasks to win the pot."
So the drunk of course asks what the tasks are.
Bartender says "1, see the big biker at the end of the bar? Knock him off his bar stool with one punch."
"2, There is an old woman upstairs that's never had an orgasm. Give her an orgasm."
"3, We have a mean Rottweiler tied up in back with a loose tooth. Bring me that tooth."
The drunk is astonished. Staggering he drinks another shot, pulls $20 out of his wallet and puts it in the jar.
He walks up the the biker and WHAM!!!! knocks him off the bar stool.
He looks at the bartender and slurs "Be right back." He walks out to the back and all the bartender can hear is the Rottweiler howling and howling.
The drunk staggers back in zipping up his pants and says "Now where's this old lady with the loose tooth?".

 

[super-bee_ski]

Hilarious....