Only the Irish have Jokes Like These
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking
with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the
bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says
Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you. He must have
had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what
he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have
defended yourself, didn't you have something
in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's
breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but
useless in a fight."
**************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,of
course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "Where have
ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
Slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've
had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing
straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell
out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
*************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as
usual, when Patrick Flanagan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always
welcome, Patrick. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness
brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell
me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
Is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Patrick.
"How did it happen, Patrick?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth,
Patrick. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three
times to pee."
************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my
dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down
that damn gun...'
*******************************************************
ANDTHE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but
says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the
wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
His face is cut and bruised and he's walking
with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the
bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says
Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you. He must have
had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what
he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have
defended yourself, didn't you have something
in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's
breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but
useless in a fight."
**************************************************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,of
course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "Where have
ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
Slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've
had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing
straight and folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell
out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
*************************************************************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as
usual, when Patrick Flanagan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always
welcome, Patrick. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness
brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell
me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
Is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Patrick.
"How did it happen, Patrick?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth,
Patrick. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, He got out three
times to pee."
************************************************************************
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my
dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down
that damn gun...'
*******************************************************
ANDTHE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
Enters a confessional booth, sits down, but
says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
Attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the
wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"
