The 6 affairs

[hawkeye]

.The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
With his secretary. ​

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One day they went to her place
And made love all afternoon. ​

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Exhausted, they fell asleep
And woke up at 8 PM. ​

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The man hurriedly dressed
And told his lover to take his shoes
Outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. ​

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He put on his shoes and drove home. ​

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'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. ​

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'I can't lie to you,' he replied, ​

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'I'm having an affair with my secretary..
We had sex all afternoon.' ​

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She looked down at his shoes and said: ​

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'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!' ​

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The 2nd Affair ​

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A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
But always talked about having a son. ​

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They decided to try one last time
For the son they always wanted. ​

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The wife got pregnant
And delivered a healthy baby boy. ​

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The joyful father rushed to the nursery
To see his new son. ​

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He was horrified at the ugliest child
He had ever seen. ​

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He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
Be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?' ​

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The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!' ​

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The 3rd Affair ​

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A mortician was working late one night. ​

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He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
About to be cremated,
And made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
He had ever seen! ​

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'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
Commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
With such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.' ​

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So, he removed it,
Stuffed it into his briefcase,
And took it home. ​

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'I have something to show
You won't believe,' he said to his wife,
Opening his briefcase. ​

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'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!' ​

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The 4th Affair ​

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A woman was in bed with her lover
When she heard her husband
Opening the front door. ​

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'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.' ​

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She rubbed baby oil all over him,
Then dusted him with talcum powder. ​

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'Don't move until I tell you,'
She said. 'Pretend you're a statue.' ​

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'What's this?' the husband inquired
As he entered the room.. ​

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'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
So I got one for us, too.' ​

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No more was said,
Not even when they went to bed. ​

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Around 2 AM the husband got up,
Went to the kitchen and returned
With a sandwich and a beer. ​

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'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
And nobody offered me a damned thing.' ​

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The 5th Affair ​

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A man walked into a cafe,
Went to the bar and ordered a beer. ​

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'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' ​

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'One Cent?' the man exclaimed... ​

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He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
And a bottle of wine?' ​

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'A nickel,' the barman replied. ​

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'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?' ​

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The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.' ​

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The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
With your wife?'
​

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The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
To his business down here.'
​

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The 6th & Best Affair ​

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Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. ​

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He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.' ​

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'There's no need to, 'his wife replied. ​

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'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace..
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!' ​

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'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.' ​

​

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[satman72]

HA Ha Ha!!!!

 

[snakeyes]

:icon_thumright:

 

[mr. b]

good ones there all funny

 

[67GTX440]

Good stuff! LOL

 

[440+6]

Very good, just e mailed them to my wife.

 

[Xp29h]

Excellent:sSig_lol3:

 

[razreddobie]

That's some good sh*t!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[wedge69]

Omg !! I love them !!!!!

 

[george68hemirr]

Those are great.....lol