An Unquiet Mind

[moparedtn]

Ed story time again. Proceed with caution, avert your eyes if needed...
(I wrote this back in 2013 as a sort of memorial to my father, who had passed Christmas morning 2010. I don't know that much has changed for me since, regretfully.)

I've seen a couple interviews of former Prez Bush (the "W" one) and it came as a surprise for me, at least, to see how relaxed and at peace he is with himself these days.
You'd think he'd be all worn out, stressed to the max, spent after 8 years of some of the most trying times in the nations' history - not to mention the constant barrage of abuse.
Then it hit me - "W" has a "quiet mind". He's at peace with himself.
I find myself noticing that quality in people more and more these days, enviously.

My dad and I had several conversations about this very subject before he passed.
Faults and all, I really admired him for where he had arrived in life.
No, he didn't own a lot. No, he wasn't someone famous or popular or big in political circles; hell, this fickle, cliquish town didn't even bother to show for his funeral despite his many friends and acquaintances here over the years, mostly because in the end, either you're
"from here" or you "ain't from around here", no matter how many decades you actually
have lived in the area... but I digress.

Where Pop came from and where he ended up was sort of a great American story, though. Quite a lot to be proud of in that regard. Started out as a HS drop out; had to, in order to support his family when his dad died.
All hard work and common sense, he had risen to the upper eschelons of the USPS without the sheepskins required today. He had that ability to see right through all the BS, knew when to pick his fights (and when not to - a classic failing of my own) and focus right on whatever the issue was...but all that wasn't what really struck me as his greatest feat.

Pop, too, had achieved that inner peace, at least towards the end.
That "quiet mind".
When I talked to him about such things (rare occurances; my dad wasn't much to have deep talks about emotions), I'd express how I wished I could be more like him in that regard.
He'd smile and say that I'm just like him when he was younger and that there would come a day when I'd "figure it out", too.

In those days, such a state of mind meant to me that a person had given up the fight, that they had surrendered to the fact that they couldn't change what wrongs needed righted - and if you all know anything about me, you know my very existence on this planet is predicated on just that fight, whether it's been fighting to simply stay alive or fighting corruption or trying to help someone else do the same.

Well, Pop, I was wrong. I see that now; a quiet mind has nothing to do with surrender.

I've spent my entire life trying to improve whatever it is to the next level, trying to obtain the next thing I thought I needed even though it was just out of reach, trying to get the crooked straightened out, trying to be someone else's knight in shining armor.
Despite what Pop used to tell me, I can't see that ever changing, either - I wouldn't know how to act if this life ever got easier, if I somehow got that peace of mind....
and it's one hell of an exhausting, self-inflicted destructive existence that I'm paying dearly for physically these last several years.
It's just the way I'm wired.

Simply put, I haven't had a "quiet mind" my entire life. About anything....
But I can see it from here these days, anyways.

 

[multimopes]

Thanks for another good story Ed; your father must have been a helluva man, as you are! I can only guess that everyone is different when it comes to finding the internal resources to deal with a given situation. I seem to blow up initially as it seems to give me the energy I need at the moment and at the same time push a little more blood through my head to sort of sober me up to deal with the reality. I hope and pray that things are going better for you after the recent unpleasantness. I always say, "punt on first down" as no one sees it coming, especially if you are already winning, lol.

 

[moparedtn]

Thanks for another good story Ed; your father must have been a helluva man, as you are! I can only guess that everyone is different when it comes to finding the internal resources to deal with a given situation. I seem to blow up initially as it seems to give me the energy I need at the moment and at the same time push a little more blood through my head to sort of sober me up to deal with the reality. I hope and pray that things are going better for you after the recent unpleasantness. I always say, "punt on first down" as no one sees it coming, especially if you are already winning, lol.

Thank you, you're very kind sir.
His was a life not even possible anymore, typical of the generations of people who picked themselves up by
the proverbial bootstraps and did what they had to do, not bothering to question why or seeking pity; they
didn't have the time for therapy and victimization and the unfairness of it all like these days.
Now, did he screw up at times? Surely.
Was he of pure intent and purpose always? No, human as can be.
Would I have done well to have emulated him and turned out as he did? Absolutely.

I'm not sure why I seem to have picked a car forum of all things to post these little "journal entries" of mine in.
I just started doing it back when things looked pretty terminal for me as a form of self-therapy; stress relief.
I still do; I don't actually expect many to read them and even less to be interested in them, honestly.
It still does perform the function, though - it gets something off my chest, even if it's only for a little while.
Good typing exercise at least.

 

[khryslerkid]

Ed, I enjoy reading your compositions. Many don't have the talent, including myself, to express their thoughts and feelings, especially on paper for all to read.

Speaking of our lost love ones can be therapeutic. We never really get over loosing someone but keeping them in our thoughts helps with the loss and speaking of them continues on their legacy that they left behind. I lost my father on the 20th of December many years ago and I still think of him often. He passed at the young age of 54 and I often think "what if." Not the best time of year to loose someone.

Loosing him at that time in my life made me do alot of thinking, actually alot of soul searching. I was raising my own family, working hard, trying to figure out where I suppose to fit in, how's this whole thing about life suppose to work. I was wanting to make more money, never seemed to be enough to make ends meet. At no fault of my own, every endeavor that I invested in never worked out. I became frustrated. I was confused about how things just didn't seem to work out no matter how hard I tried. I almost felt like giving up.

Then one day it hit me. I don't know if it was my prayers being answered or just how it came over me but it all made sence and the burden was lifted. I changed my way of thinking from that day on.

The whole thing is you have to be content. No matter how bad things seem to be it's all about being thankful for where you are and what you have. Yes you could have things better, also things could be worse, but when you find contentment you find peace of mind. Being content will get you through the rough times and your mind will be clear.

Mentioning your father and his final days made me think about this. You called it an inner peace. I think it's the same thing.

Thanks for sharing another one of your life's stories. We all have our books with many pages and chapters.

 

[BDF6]

Sounds like you're "figuring it out" ok.
Thanks for sharing.