Ethnic jokes

[Auggie56]

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I buzz you in. Come inside and elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........

"What ... You're coming empty handed?"
__________________________________________

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ... 38 revolver, so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns ... How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?
__________________________________________

Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ...
But all men ... Are men!
__________________________________________

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine

 

[Brandy]

Funny! Hanging in here.....

 

[GinoX]

A gorgeous very young redhead shows up into the doctor’s office and said that all of her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow with the same finger and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?

“Well.... no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”

“I thought so,” the doctor said with a grin. “Your finger is broken.”

- - - Updated - - -

Three men were working on a construction site when they fell off a ledge. Later, they woke up in a hospital with critical injuries. A caucasian doc informed them that the only way they will live is if they DON'T talk as their lungs were punctured.

One man, not quite getting what the doc just told them, said "So doc, why wi cjaan talk then?" He died immediately.

The 2nd said "Waatch di eediot nuh, him nuh hear seh him nuh be talking?". Bam, he died also.

When the 3rd man looked across and saw his two co-workers dead he turned to the doc and said, "Geeve thanks to God me nevva seh nutt'en"

- - - Updated - - -

In a well known southern African nation a boy was in a bus singing: "if mi madda waza sheep 'n mi fadda waza ram, then mi wudda b lamb."

The bus driver asked him to stop the noise so he can concentrate on the road... the boy still continued singin': "if mi madda waza hen n mi fadda waza <o<K, then mi wudda b chicking."

The bus driver shouted "if your mother was a whore and your father was a chichi-boi, what would you be?" .... without skipping a beat, the boy replied "a bus driver."