Irish joke

[polywideblock]

a down on his luck Irishman was walking through an affluent suburb and thinks to himself I might be able to find some work here . after being turned down by a couple of households he "scores " when a lady says " yes, the porch could do with a lick of paint " . she gets him a can of paint and some brushes from the basement and leaves him to it . about 3 hours later he knocks on the door and says he's finished but there's one problem , "its a BMW lady not a Porch "

 

[Car Nut]

 

[kiwigtx]

 

[kiwigtx]

Hey there @polywideblock ...here's an Irish "Knock Knock" joke for you....
......You start.

 

[DeltaV]

A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher.

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was "NO!"
"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered "NO!"
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD!"

It's a curious race, the Irish.
Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

 

[DeltaV]

Irish Angler

The rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing", replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth", says the old man.

 

[DeltaV]

Irish Alzheimer's

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you, Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father. After ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

 

[MarPar]

 

[DeltaV]

IRISH BLONDE


An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She
seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a
single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled
the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs
new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...
"Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up
her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each
other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered,
"I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb...But all men...Are men!

 

[Mogre]

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

One drunk !!!

 

[polywideblock]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church...

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.
I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The Priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go fourth and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the Confessional. 'Father,it has been two months since my last Confession.
I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the Priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'

'A new Woman in the neighborhood,' he replied.

'Very well,' sighed the Priest. 'Go forth and say ten Hail Mary's.'

At Mass the next morning, as the Priest prepared to deliver the Sermon,
a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous Redhead entered the Church.

The eyes of every man in the Church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed
up the aisle and sat down right in front of the Priest. Her dress was
green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes.

The Priest and the Altar Boy gasped as the Lady in the green dress with
matching emerald-green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart,
but just enough to realize that one could see all the way to the junction of
'O My Goodness' and 'O My Golly!!'

The Priest turned to the Altar Boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'
The bug-eyed Altar Boy couldn't believe his ears, but managed to calmly
reply, 'No, I don't believe so Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'...

 

[polywideblock]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'


The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.


'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry..


The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.


Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass..


At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'


He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.


Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.


Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Feck dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too feck'n dangerous for me!'



THERE'S MORE. ...




Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.


He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..


'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.


He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.


Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.


Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.


Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'




IT IS NOT OVER YET....




Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.


He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.


Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Feck dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his feck'n hengliding!'

 

[BeeKool]

Here's one that an actual 'Patty told me after bout a half bottle of Tullemore Dew while we were waiting for a show in a bar in KC:

Why doo thee Scoteesh were ke-elts?

So thee sheep cant heer there zeepers!
Hahaha

 

[Bb70charger500]

Guys if you pike funny Irish people I get a good kick out of mrs browns boys the bbc version it's freaking hilarious you can watch it on you tube or order the series and a region two dvd player . Seriously it's funny s###
The non bbc version is ehhh the movie was not good but kinda entertaining.

 

[kiwigtx]

The Irish Water Polo team had had to withdraw their entry to the next Olympic Games....all their horses drowned.