New Starfleet Vessel Unable To Reach Warp Speed Because Crew Is Too Fat

[Richard Cranium]

New Starfleet Vessel Unable To Reach Warp Speed Because Crew Is Too Fat​

Jan 15, 2026 · BabylonBee.com




SPACE, THE FINAL FRONTIER — The exploration of other strange, new worlds and the seeking out of new life and new civilizations hit an unexpected snag this week, as Starfleet's newest vessel was reportedly unable to reach warp speed because the crew was too fat.

According to sources on board the ship, the USS Athena was unable to embark on its mission to respond to a mysterious energy pulse believed to be emanating from the Gamma Quadrant because, as the vessel's engineers later determined, the crew was too fat for the warp drive to be able to compensate. Captain Nahla Ake demanded an explanation from one of the ship's helmsmen.

"There's just too heavy a load," said Ensign Zhyran Vira. "I've been in communication with engineering since the issue arose, but they said there's nothing they can do. There's just too much weight onboard for the vessel to reach warp speed. I'm afraid we're stuck here until some of the tubbies can drop a few, captain."

Shortly after its launch, the Athena was unable to reach even the baseline level of Warp 1, leading to confusion and frustration on the bridge. "I was afraid this would happen once I got a look at the lardos they forced on me," Captain Ake was heard saying as the ship's warp drives were reported to be making audible groans under the stress. "And don't get me started on our medical officer, Dr. Leona ‘Big Bones' McCoy over there."

At publishing time, Starfleet was said to be addressing the problem by jettisoning all of the vessel's plus-sized crewmembers into space.

 

[Cranky]

New Starfleet Vessel Unable To Reach Warp Speed Because Crew Is Too Fat​

Jan 15, 2026 · BabylonBee.com

View attachment 1978754


SPACE, THE FINAL FRONTIER — The exploration of other strange, new worlds and the seeking out of new life and new civilizations hit an unexpected snag this week, as Starfleet's newest vessel was reportedly unable to reach warp speed because the crew was too fat.

According to sources on board the ship, the USS Athena was unable to embark on its mission to respond to a mysterious energy pulse believed to be emanating from the Gamma Quadrant because, as the vessel's engineers later determined, the crew was too fat for the warp drive to be able to compensate. Captain Nahla Ake demanded an explanation from one of the ship's helmsmen.

"There's just too heavy a load," said Ensign Zhyran Vira. "I've been in communication with engineering since the issue arose, but they said there's nothing they can do. There's just too much weight onboard for the vessel to reach warp speed. I'm afraid we're stuck here until some of the tubbies can drop a few, captain."

Shortly after its launch, the Athena was unable to reach even the baseline level of Warp 1, leading to confusion and frustration on the bridge. "I was afraid this would happen once I got a look at the lardos they forced on me," Captain Ake was heard saying as the ship's warp drives were reported to be making audible groans under the stress. "And don't get me started on our medical officer, Dr. Leona ‘Big Bones' McCoy over there."

At publishing time, Starfleet was said to be addressing the problem by jettisoning all of the vessel's plus-sized crewmembers into space.

 

[WileE]

And here I thought all women of the 23rd century would be fit and gorgeous, as depicted in the original series. If that's what being shown on a new series... I'm not watching. I'd rather drink to induce vomiting.

 

[Cranky]

And here I thought all women of the 23rd century would be fit and gorgeous, as depicted in the original series. If that's what being shown on a new series... I'm not watching. I'd rather drink to induce vomiting.

I thought we were in the 17th????

 

[TorRed]

Zero interest in a show intentionally more woke than its predecessors. Just yuck!

 

[OneWheelPeel]

I watched the first two episodes and as someone who grew up watching all the shows (and a fan, but who complains as I watch) there are real things to complain about instead of how they look and any inclusion stuff (which I don’t care about unless they beat me over the head with it).

Here is a spoiler so don’t read further if you want it to remain a surprise. At the end of the first episode the bad guy gets away using one of the ships own escape pods. Ship is working and everything and they watch him just leave…….in a pod…..the size of an elevator.

 

[JR_Charger]

Here is a spoiler so don’t read further if you want it to remain a surprise. At the end of the first episode the bad guy gets away using one of the ships own escape pods. Ship is working and everything and they watch him just leave…….in a pod…..the size of an elevator.

This is one of the amazing things about the Abrams/Kurtzmann era - as long as it hits a "story beat," they call it good. It doesn't have to make any sense of any kind, they hit that story beat, and that's all that matters. On a positive note, the shows that treated canon as an asset did well.

 

[JR_Charger]

Two more -






This one's a hologram. Her appearance can be anything, and she's still fat -

 

[RJ Squirrel]

It all started going to hell when Kirk got that perm

 

[OneWheelPeel]

Two more -

View attachment 1990608




This one's a hologram. Her appearance can be anything, and she's still fat -

View attachment 1990609

I kind of grew to like the Tilly character (first pic), I was under the impression she would be a regular in the new show.
The latest episode which was centered around the second girl had a few good spots, but seemed to have so much filler I feel like they could have edited out 20+ minutes of it.

 

[Triplegreen500]

I'm still trying to figure out why they gave the captain perpetual bed-head...




If you're gonna have a good roll in the hay before your shift...run a brush through your hair before you go in!

 

[DeltaV]

They should use the transporter to trim away the excess mass.

 

[JR_Charger]

I'm still trying to figure out why they gave the captain perpetual bed-head...

View attachment 1990774


If you're gonna have a good roll in the hay before your shift...run a brush through your hair before you go in!

How old would she have to be to look like this, in the Star Trek universe? At the end of season 3 of Picard, Chekhov is President of the Federation. Akhe lives 900 years after that. They should be able to reset their age every time they go through the transporter.

 

[JR_Charger]

I kind of grew to like the Tilly character (first pic),

Imagine how much more you'd like her if she'd been fit. She could have been Discovery's Seven of Nine, or T'Pol. You know you missed out on another cat suit, right?

 

[OneWheelPeel]

Imagine how much more you'd like her if she'd been fit. She could have been Discovery's Seven of Nine, or T'Pol. You know you missed out on another cat suit, right?

Nah, I don't think I would be into her that way even if she was fit.
That said I didn't mind 7 in Voyager or T'Pol in Enterprise, they were hired to be eye candy, which they fit the bill. Bonus was they actually did really well with the acting portion too.