So I find myself alone at Christmas...

[moparedtn]

(Disclaimer: This is an "Ed Story". Continue to read at your own peril...)

It's sort of a weird paradox I have going on right now...amplified by the season methinks.
As some may recall, the holiday season is different for me - wrought with losses of family members
and dear friends over the season (why they seem to all pass during this season, I dunno) - so
it's a natural thing for me to be a bit introspective each year about this time anyways.
Well, this one in particular, I've managed to amp that up a bit more (of course - I tend to do that)...

My wife is up with her mother right now, her being of particularly frail health and all. Family is
family and they're all gathered up right now for what is anticipated to perhaps be the last time
with her - and brother, I get that.
BOY do I get that, trust me - and I keep my wife focused on the task at hand, in no small part
because of my own past experiences as my own mama, then later on Pop, then little brother -
hell, most ALL of my family (and the few good friends I've had)all passed.
I didn't particularly handle some of those very well, so I want her to have a better experience
as she faces the same situations now, that's all.

She's gone from here for Christmas. That's the gist of it, but for all the right reasons...
but if the usual sadness of the season for me, coupled with being alone wasn't enough, well
hell Ed, let's crank it up some more:

I'm also currently unemployed - of my own volition.
I mean, who does that sort of shiyat during the holidays?
I had the lazy mans' job, working from home, sitting on my arse staring at this damned screen
every day....and physically deteriorating on an accelerated scale healthwise anyways - but it was
safe.
Nobody was threatening my job. It was a pressure cooker for sure, but I did well enough to be
left alone. Wife kept saying it was killing me quicker, but the income was stable, so I did what
I had to do.
That simple.
Until...

Along came an offer from another company one day - a company I knew pretty well, full of people
I've known for years and a company I've often referred customers to since they do stuff I don't
(namely, alarm stuff).
Seems they got acquired by a bigger company earlier in the year and - lo and behold, that bigger
company does what I do!
When the local company got word that their five offices would be expected to expand to offer all
the services I've done my entire career, I suppose it was only natural they'd holler at their old friend
Ed....
Next thing I know, talks were had, offers were made, my wife damn near insisted I take the offer
because it involved me hitting the road again and I tendered my resignation (with two weeks notice,
mind you - which my now old company refused, making it effective immediately)....
and now I sit here alone, twiddling my thumbs whilst waiting for my new gig to start January 1st.

Did I do the right thing? Well, the money goes up damn near 50%, so there's that.
The new gig will certainly be physically demanding and will involve some regional travel, so I'm
concerned if I have any gas left in my own tank to deal with that.
Reckon there's only one way to find out, eh?

But after all that, sitting here now, I find myself in a sort of purgatory of my own devising - at least
some of it is, certainly - but I'm at a weird sort of peace with it all.
For the first time in my life, I'm allowing things to just be - merely existing and waiting - and letting
Him take the lead for a bit.
This is extraordinarily out of character with everything I've been in this life, honestly.
I've never been one to let another take charge. It's a strange place to be...
I hope it all works out. I hope to still be here to survive it, really - but either way, I don't see how it
could have worked out any other way.

So....at Christmas, here I sit. Alone.
But it doesn't seem like a bad thing...
Riding it out, curious to see how it all plays out in the end.

Y'all give your loved ones extra hugs for me! I hope everyone has an awesome Christmas!

 

[Garceau]

I will be spending Christmas eve day, and possibly evening as well as the 25th in prison.

I have spent the majority of the last 20 Christmas times alone or in prison. Even when I was married, the wife would usually go to her family and I would stay home because of work reasons.

Personally I have never really enjoyed large forced family gatherings, its not that I dont like seeing people - but an hour or so and I am ready to have a little solitude and peace of mind. I dont particularly care for games, or a lot of stuff happening around me I dont have control of. So being in a room with a bunch of people have a bunch of different conversations was always a bit of an anxiety issue for me. Even when I loved all those people I was with -

So many holiday weekends I stayed back, took care of things around the house. Cooked a good dinner or 3 for myself and enjoyed TV, movies, working in the garage, snowmobile rides etc.....

 

[Ron H]

the holiday season is different for me - wrought with losses of family members
and dear friends over the season (why they seem to all pass during this season, I dunno)

Ed, if it is any consolation, know you’re not alone with memories of lost family & friends, my folks passed around the holidays (took my dad to the ER around 6AM on Christmas morning 2010 and he never left the hospital). About the same for my mother five-years, later taking her to the ER two-weeks before Christmas and she never left either. Blessed though, as they both got a long ride with life.

As a geezer, the list has gotten so lengthy with friends and family not longer with us. We ALL get to share this grief – you’re in a lot of company. All the best to you & family.

 

[Charles Cook]

Merry Christmas Ed, you are far from alone.

 

[Nxcoupe]

Merry Christmas Ed! I feel where you are coming from. This is the last Christmas I will have with my daughter living at home. Next year she is off to college somewhere..... Wife is distant and cold, so it will probably be me out in the garage a lot next year. Good thing I have a bunch of projects!

 

[moparedtn]

I will be spending Christmas eve day, and possibly evening as well as the 25th in prison.

I have spent the majority of the last 20 Christmas times alone or in prison. Even when I was married, the wife would usually go to her family and I would stay home because of work reasons.

Personally I have never really enjoyed large forced family gatherings, its not that I dont like seeing people - but an hour or so and I am ready to have a little solitude and peace of mind. I dont particularly care for games, or a lot of stuff happening around me I dont have control of. So being in a room with a bunch of people have a bunch of different conversations was always a bit of an anxiety issue for me. Even when I loved all those people I was with -

So many holiday weekends I stayed back, took care of things around the house. Cooked a good dinner or 3 for myself and enjoyed TV, movies, working in the garage, snowmobile rides etc.....

Ummm, you mean actual prison?

 

[Garceau]

Ummm, you mean actual prison?

Yes sir.... actual prison.

 

[Nxcoupe]

Yes sir.... actual prison.

Guard or resident.

 

[1967coronet]

Merry Christmas upcoming Ed.
If you was close I'd of had you over.
Hope you mother in law takes a turn for the better.

 

[Garceau]

Guard or resident.

Can I answer both....at any given time

 

[1967coronet]

Guard or resident.

I'm betting on ( Guard )
He's got way to much air time.

 

[Photon440]

Can I answer both....at any given time

Are you one of those who visit inmates during Christmas?

 

[hdwrench]

sounds like normal to me . questioning todays paths , second guessing at times . chin up hombre’ . have a great christmas, extra hugs sent your way . god bless !

 

[XS22J8R]

My family is almost all gone now. No wife. My mom will turn 90 in a few weeks and is the only close family I have left. I have a sister but she turned into one of these stereotypical woke intolerant college educated suburban women you read about, combined with her heavy drinking and becoming bipolar, she blew up at me years ago after she chugged down a couple bottles of wine and threw me out of her house during a family dinner gathering, and we haven't spoke since. No great loss me never seeing that monster again, but it did cut me off from the rest of her side of the family.
I'm burnt out at work and keep saying I'm going to retire. And in recent years my financial situation has been really good and no reason I can't afford to hang it up. But it's quite a dilemma for me, the usual "spend more time with family" tale you hear when someone is retiring isn't going to work for me.
So my dilemma is having the means but not the opportunity to do things I would like to in retirement.
I'm not comfortable in crowds, so did tend to get lost in the dynamic of holiday family gatherings, but looking back it was somewhat better than nothing. On the other hand, I didn't like feeling like a 5th wheel, as was often the case, so maybe its a wash. I just relax by myself and appreciate not having to deal with the BS!
I'll join my mom for a Christmas buffet at her assisted living place Monday so that is nice. Christmas Eve I am going follow my tradition of sitting in my Lazy Boy watching an inappropriate for the holidays movie while drinking a couple beers, this years feature is John Wick!

 

[moparwacko]

Sorry you have to be by yourself during the holidays Ed. Rest assured you're never alone.
My career (parts of it) ruined me socially. Being a Lineman was great, but once you climb a corporate ladder, the more you dislike most people. I ended my career doing what I enjoyed the most, and I hope you are too.
My elder cousin (long divorced) told me this summer, "there is loneliness and solitude, I choose solitude".
My wife knows that if something happens to her, I'm out of here. I'll be living in a cabin on top of a mountain somewhere in the Smokies.

Enjoy the solitude Ed while you can.

 

[Garceau]

Are you one of those who visit inmates during Christmas?

Only if I am getting paid.... funny thing is - I will work the Visiting Room on the holidays

 

[Richard Cranium]

The title of this thread reminded me of this ....

 

[Dennis H]

I worked ALL Holidays for 30 years. Most weekends too. Lucrative. Linda usually went back East to visit the “kids“ for the Holidays. Same this year for her, but I’m retired. I still don’t need to see the kids. In the snow. This Christmas in Florida looking after Mom who is 86. I am Blessed to use an overused term, but true in this case. Funny how Ed’s thread is all about me. Land of opportunity we have right here.

 

[moparedtn]

Some clarifications perhaps needed from me:
1. Not complaining about my situation - as I've caused at least part of it, how could I?
2. Family all gone wasn't a choice - it just is. Different from choosing to be apart from
family by a long shot, of course.
3. Lousy time of year to be changing jobs for sure - but opportunity doesn't follow a
schedule, never has. I wasn't looking for a change - it just appeared when it did.
I could have turned it down, naturally - but that would have been downright foolish.
4. I could have travelled with my wife all the way up to NH - but I don't fly and to be
honest, I had more than my fill of the NE damn near 30 years ago.
If the Star Trek teleporter existed, we might be talking differently.

Things are what they are. This situation has been coming for a long time now, in
retrospect - it's just that all the pieces fell into place at the same time this time.
Doesn't mean I'm dancing in the town square with a bottle of TJ Swann in my hand...

 

[Cranky]

Oh man....been alone since 17 and so far, it's not too bad so long as I'm doing something but may not be alone this year since I have a new girlfriend so to speak. She recently lost her husband earlier this year so we've been taking things as they go. Thing is, she recently decided she likes me. Ok....still gonna take things slow. I like her too but I've been liking my 'freedom' but like her company a lot so we'll see how it goes.

Lots of posts here talking about being alone even when being married and I know all too well what that's like!! Been down that road with 'the other family' way too much and felt like being way outside in the cold with them and also didn't really like being all that 'crowded' together either. And sure didn't like the unruly children and the parents not being parents not to mention parents that were 'friends' with the children (my wife for one) and well, I don't miss any of that crap and when the guys decided to have a 'Christmas' poker game while the 'wemons' were doing their own thing with the kids running wild. All I can say is I thank God (if that's the right thing to do) that she finally left me to myself!! Being alone for me isn't that bad to tell ya the truth.

Ed, gotta hand it to you....not sure I could go through all that you have and keep my sanity. I'm getting close to 73 and have had my problems but man, I'm sooo grateful that they have been minor imo. So far, my home of 40 years (will be 40 years this coming April) has survived two divorces and there will not ever be another.