How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

[hawkeye]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[Ironbuilt]

 

[68gtxman]

Here’s a little exchange that I had as an expert witness last year during a trial (I was a defense witness):

Lawyer: Well wasn’t it the intent of the writers of the International Fire Code to prohibit placement of anything anywhere within the arc of an opening door which was on the building's means of egress?

Me: if it was their intent to say so, they would have said so. I can’t tell you what was in their mind if they didn’t write it into their code.

Lawyer: well shouldn’t they have prohibited placement of items within the full arc swing - even beyond the 90 degree door opening listed in the code - in the means of egress doorway?

Me: well if you know so much about what should be in the Fire Code that isn’t already there, then why don’t you volunteer to write the next code update???

The jury broke out in wild laughter at that and I thought the judge would admonish me - but he didn’t even look at me. He might have laughed too if he did. BTW, the plaintiff lost as the jury completely sided with the defense (my side).

My wife is an attorney, so I get a lot of practice arguing against attorneys.

 

[Ironbuilt]

q: :could you see him from where you were standing?
a: :I could see his head.
q: :and where was his head?
a: :just above his shoulders.
-------------------------------------------------------------
q: :any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
a: :the victim lived.
-------------------------------------------------------------
q: : And where was the location of the accident?
a: : Approximately milepost 499.
q: : And where is milepost 499?
a: : Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

 

[Ironbuilt]

q: : Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
a: : Yes.
q: : Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
a: : Yes, sir.
q: : What did she say?
a: : What disco am I at?
--------------------------------------------------
q: : Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
a: : I refuse to answer that question.
q: : Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
a: : I refuse to answer that question.
q: : Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
a: : No.
--------------------------------------------------
q: : Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
a: : No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

 

[davek]

 

[Ironbuilt]

q: : Lawyer: "What happened then?
a: : He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
q: : Did he kill you?
a: : Witness: "No
------------------------------------------------
q: : Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--
q: : Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment.
------------------------------------------------
q: : You say the stairs went down to the basement?
a: : Yes.
q: : And these stairs, did they go up also?

 

[Ironbuilt]

q: : What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
a: : There were traces of semen.
q: : Male semen?
a: : That's the only kind I know of.
---------------------------------------------
q: : On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
a: : I did.
q: : And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
a: : I did.
q: : And did you observe anything?
a: : I did. (Witness remains silent.)
q: : Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
a: : I saw George.
q: : You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
a: : Yes.
q: : Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
a: : Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
q: : Well, would you kindly do so?
a: : He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
q: : His "thing"?
a: : You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
q: : You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
a: : Yes.
q: : Did you say anything to him?
a: : Of course I did!
q: : What did you say to him?
a: : "Morning, George

 

[oldbee]

ONLY a truck driver could find all these!!! Gotta luv ‘em.

 

[kiwigtx]

Lawyer - Is your daughter sexually active?
Defendant - No, she just lies there like her mother.

 

[PRND21]

Lawyer - Is your daughter sexually active?
Defendant - No, she just lies there like her mother.

This court case must have been in Arkansas.