After I passed 50 years of age, despite feeling great and looking reasonably well, I have occasional periods where I worry about mortality. Illness. Death. The end.
I have lost family members that had a slow decline to the end. It has often been on my mind to ask them a question but I always felt that it was inappropriate.
I want to know how they feel, knowing that the end is near. Are they scared? Are they confused? Are they at peace? I hear about people like Dave and like Steve Juliano where they have diseases that have a low rate of survival and I want to know how they are but the situation is just so sensitive. How do you ask without adding to their grief?
I am usually a silly and obnoxious guy, often saying things that cross the line. You might think that I don't care about hurting peoples feelings but I do have respect for others. I would not want to add to a person's worries by asking but my own phobias about mortality makes me very curious.
KD,
This is kind of a convoluted response to your question, but bear with me.
I had to deal with this situation a while ago. My wife of 22 years came down with breast cancer, which we dealt with aggressively. Sadly, the nasty disease continued to to eat her up until there was nothing left - she only made it 3.5 years from diagnosis to gone. She was only 51. It gave me a LOT to think about. My take on your overall question, 50 is about when most of the folks I know recognize we are on the downhill slide, and it becomes more about how long I have left on this planet. My firsthand experience is the long slow progression of disease had some aspects that helped a little bit, but mostly were very difficult to deal with. I was well aware when we met that there was a lot of cancer in her family so it would not be a surprise to see it surface in her. That didn't make it any easier to deal with when it showed up, but it did allow me to deal with some grieving over a long period of time instead of getting blindsided by it. I knew it was likely this junk would show up, and I knew if it did, it was likely to not go well. There was no happiness involved to find out I was right on both counts.
One difficult aspect was a couple of tough and unpredictable discussions. She was not stupid, and was aware things did not look good moving forward. One of the most brutal conversations we had (brutal being my description) was when she told me after she was gone, if I should meet another lady, to not hesitate to be with her and be happy. This about turned me inside out. Here she was being ground up by cancer, and thinking about my future happiness. The other heart wrencher was when she was down to her last few weeks, to tell me the only upside to her disease was that the life insurance would allow me to retire early from a job that had become increasingly wretched as my magnificent company had been bought out by a mega-company that crapped up everything. She was right, I retired as soon as possible afterward, and after spending a few years of figuring out which end is up, have managed to move on to make my way through the world. I hit the love-lottery a second time when I met Nancy, who you met when we did the engine/drive-line swap.
So now back to your original question - how do I deal with a horrid health situation? You don't want to be rude/insensitive/nosy but would like to talk about it. Please, move forward in a gentle manner. One of the hardest things I had to deal with is friends who ghosted her because they were uncomfortable with any conversation. I would suggest being straightforward with those you wish to talk to, and be sensitive but not shy. Those in a horrid health situation know the drill. Having people walking on eggshells around them is not a good approach. Gently ask your questions, as well as other questions concerning their general thoughts, situation, and hopes. It's not an easy deal for anyone, but withdrawing from the deal doesn't have a good outcome. Nothing here is easy but those having to live it out will appreciate honest caring and conversation.
All the above us just my $.02, and YMMV for sure.