Y'see, you get disappointed a lot because you're an "optimist". I, on the other hand, am a pessimist. I think everything is going to turn out like ****. So when it does, which is usually the case, I'm not disappointed. However, when things don't turn out like **** I'm overjoyed. So in a nutshell, I'm rarely disappointed and occasionally very happy. I love being an pessimist!
We have a winner (although I suspect, an unwitting one...
).
Congrats Mr. Kent - you'ce stumbled upon my core motivation for starting this thread, namely,
that I am indeed
an optimist in a universe that eats such for lunch.
Unfortunately, I'm an optimist in a world designed to constantly consume, erode, take advantage of and generally
whiz in ones' Wheaties...
But instead of taking the tack Mr. Kent here is a proponent of, I've steadfastly refused to accept that odds are, life
is out to get me - and instead, I am totally invested in
hope.
Some used to call being such a "hopeless romantic" - or at the most crude, a gullible fool - but it's
what makes me
get up in the morning. There simply has to be a
goal, a
possibility of making something better....
A
purpose to life for me, which for most of my 40+ year career in fire protection was my job itself.
Well, silly me...more on that later.
Now, don't get me wrong - there's been times in my earlier life where I actually
enjoyed engaging in the competition and
could be a right arsehole as the situation dictated; I could go toe to toe with the best of them if I chose to.
Takes a lot of energy to engage in such, though - and as one ages, wisens up and yes, eventually gets worn down
and attacked by ones' own body with all manner of physical maladies, eventually one sees the light on all that - if you're
lucky enough to still be self-aware to do so of course.
Ok, enough with all that - suffice to say I've always fallen back on my upbringing and conscience and chosen the high road
when it comes to a given situation - at least to the point of always trying to do the right thing, even if it put me at a
distinct disadvantage (which it very often did).
I may have screwed it up a few times, but anyone who's ever really known me knows not to question
intent or
integrity -
and that is very much
by design.
"So what, Ed? What's different now?" you might ask.
Therein lies the rest of the story here.... ok, to review:
I'm an optimist and insist doggedly on getting back up and trying again, every damn time I've had my ***
handed to me for being so, insisting on trusting the next one until they give me reason not to.
To do so in this world is a recipe for constant disappointment, see?
The difference now, though?
My last employment was no exception, but it finally drove home that I may have finally seen the light...
I bought the line of the supervisor that I was to come on board and build his service department (he didn't have one)
in my area of expertise, just like I've done other places several times before.
I
believed him...and instead spent the next year and a half treading water.
Turns out, their goal was to try to obtain ownership of my reputation in the business, along with that always valuable
customer list that I've acquired over the decades.
No dice there, pony boy - ain't my first rodeo, saw that one coming; my obligation to all those folks on the list is to
retain integrity and look out for their best interests
even if I was no longer in a position to help them.
Further, the local office (come to find out later) was under corporate orders to "get a fire guy" in-house -
any fire
guy - and get him on a leash for later.
Turns out, that was to be
me...
I left a perfectly good job for this, mind you. Optimistic! Possible improvement in career! Oy...
A funny thing happened on the way to all that, though - I figured out what their game was and refused to comply, insisting
that I be allowed to perform the duties I had signed up for.
Once they figured out I was no rube, they instead hired a younger banty rooster and gave him marching orders to "wear
the old guy out - make him do menial tasks, drive hundreds of miles a week, wear him out...."
I instantly saw the game - and a younger me might have engaged
competition mode - and I certainly felt betrayed and
once again felt the victim for believing someones' promises and took them at their word.
But...
This time, after a particularly enjoyable (but exhausting) final annual inspection of a local tech college (I always loved "visiting"
with customers and doing what I'm best at in the process), when the orders from Banty Rooster boy for the next day involved
the usual, now tiresome "get in the Transit and drive 90 miles to the next one"... I refused, flatly.
Knowing that meant instant loss of good wages, instead something in me just said
"that's enough".
They were incredulous. How DARE I tell them I was resigning? Totally screwed up their plans...
But I did.
In that instant, I chose to finally break the lifelong "no good deed goes unpunished" chain I had lived and simply go home.
"Y'all come fetch all your company crap, I'm done."
Consider it a defeat and me a beaten man, if that's as simple as you'd like to see it.
Me, I know it's a ton more than that - all part of getting my final house in order, really - and although I've not a lot to show
for all the efforts, I walk away from a lifelong career that no longer has any use for me - but also, with my head still up
and my integrity
and optimism intact.
So yeah, I get disappointed a lot - but at least now I acknowledge that it isn't any different in this world for anyone else
and I'll continue to look for reasons to get up in the morning that
doesn't involve seeking some sort of reckoning or
justice in this world.
I'll generate my own, thanks.
