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All Right! Who sent this to me?

Ron 73

Deceased, But not forgotton
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Reminds me of so many things sent to warn us about everything.. I don't think i put this in before, but its ok to laugh twice.

As we progress through to the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your

educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have
little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let
the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of
a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that
needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full
of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car, so a
serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda
, Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake
could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my
butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a 25 cent coin dropped
in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester
waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin
Spider and my hand will fall off.


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered
that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their
hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by
e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

If that didn't bring a smile, Maybe what my ageing friend sent me will... He took up hunting, oh boy....

"Shot my first turkey yesterday.

Scared the livin’ daylights out of everyone in the frozen food section.

It was awesome!

Gettin' old is so much fun.... "
 
"Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep"

Thanks for a good,but somewhat scary laugh!


Oh;I didn't send it,but I've received it...be afraid,be very afraid...
 
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