Let's post some fun stuff here
- Thread starter Snowtrooper1966
- Start date
- Local time
- 6:39 AM
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- Jan 29, 2018
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- Midland Ontario, Canada
Someone cruising for a Darwin award !
halfafish
Well-Known Member
Wow. As if there aren't enough really effective ways to use a chain saw to earn an extended trip to the ER, we have to try this? There's a decent level of cleverness but no way I'd try this.
Photon440
Well-Known Member
- Local time
- 3:39 AM
- Joined
- Mar 14, 2012
- Messages
- 18,441
- Reaction score
- 33,803
- Location
- Surrey, B.C. Canada
Kinda dated (from the 90's) but...
A HELP DESK LOG
---------------
Monday --------
8:05 am
User called to say they forgot passord. Told them to use password
retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me
and hang up. Man, we let the people vote and drive, too?
8:12 am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database.
Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me."
Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffee maker from the UPS
and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One
more happy customer...
8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing
Drive 0". Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to
Micro Support.
11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone
back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into
town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial
closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom"
nationals are this weekend!
11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on
HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database.
Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so
performance reviews are sent to */US.
12:00 pm
Lunch.
3:30 pm
Return from lunch.
3:55 pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no
reason.
Return to napping.
4:23 pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask
them what chipset they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.
4:55 pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift
has something to do.
Tuesday-------
8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time
with Save/Replication conflicts.
9:00 am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on
PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the
calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have
(mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
9:35 am
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form
J-19R=9c9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's
in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database.
Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
10:00 am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her
I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status.
Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centres for Disease
Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey Database. No hits. Tell her
ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's
"Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver
ID to her apartment.
10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement.
Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while
I grab a smoke.
1:00 pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he
transfered them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
1:05 pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor
tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running
in computer room, even if I do yell "omigod -- Fire!"
1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in
form manes. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will
fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.
1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for
"Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over
industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes."
Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it
and hangs up.
2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check
in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it
possibly fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over
all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create
new ID for her while she does that.
2:49 pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.
Wednesday -------
8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form.
Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "bitset," not
"chipset". Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
9:10 am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am
meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about
terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into
meeting.
Sometimes life hands you material...
10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support
manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several
lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world
countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask
if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail
databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer
in Marketing on the corporate Web page.
Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, web browser, and Tums.
10:30 am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate
PBX system sometime.
11:00 am
Lunch.
4:55 pm
Return from lunch.
5:00 pm
Shift changes; Going home.
Thursday -------
8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server
room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT.
Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and
colour.
8:45 am
New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him.
Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.
9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments.
Is this guy great or what?!
11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominoes game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominoes out of
sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server
is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception)
and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!
11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employees
beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with
said corporation, said employee is "obligated to provide sustenance and
relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point
to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so
myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell
to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.
1:00 pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...
4:30 pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.
5:00 pm
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several time (just testing
the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.
Friday -------
8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them
it worked fine before I left.
9:00 am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls
myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
9:02 am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji
board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.
9:30 am
Good grief, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and
can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-
hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.
10:17 am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to
set server ahead three hours.
11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on
their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.
11:20 am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.
11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to
get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment
with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in
on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"
11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting
this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him.
12:00 pm
Lunch
1:00 pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make
them fast.
1:03 pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!
2:30 pm
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 pm
appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.
2:39 pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document.
Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC
rebooted. Tell them to call micro support.
2:50 pm
Support manager calls to say mix-up at doctor's office means appointment
cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen
corporate Web page lately.
3:00 pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest
they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them
document addendum which says so.
4:00 pm
Finish changing foreground colour in all documents to white. Also set
point size to "2" in help databases.
4:30 pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go
to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh.
Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:45 pm
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll
fix it. Hang up. Change font to wingdings.
5:00 pm
Night shift shows up. Tell them that the hub is acting funny and to
have a good weekend.
=========================================================================
RING
RING
RING
RING
RING
RING
RING
RING
RING
RING
A HELP DESK LOG
---------------
Monday --------
8:05 am
User called to say they forgot passord. Told them to use password
retrieval utility called FDISK. Blissfully ignorant, they thank me
and hang up. Man, we let the people vote and drive, too?
8:12 am
Accounting called to say they couldn't access expense reports database.
Gave them Standard Sys Admin Answer #112, "Well, it works for me."
Let them rant and rave while I unplugged my coffee maker from the UPS
and plugged their server back in. Suggested they try it again. One
more happy customer...
8:14 am
User from 8:05 call said they received error message "Error accessing
Drive 0". Told them it was an OS problem. Transferred them to
Micro Support.
11:00 am
Relatively quiet for last few hours. Decide to plug support phone
back in so I can call my girlfriend. Says parents are coming into
town this weekend. Put her on hold and transferred her to janitorial
closet down in basement. What is she thinking? The "Myst" and "Doom"
nationals are this weekend!
11:34 am
Another user calls (do they ever learn?). Says they want ACL changed on
HR performance review database so that nobody but HR can access database.
Tell them no problem. Hang up. Change ACL. Add @MailSend so
performance reviews are sent to */US.
12:00 pm
Lunch.
3:30 pm
Return from lunch.
3:55 pm
Wake up from nap. Bad dream makes me cranky. Bounce servers for no
reason.
Return to napping.
4:23 pm
Yet another user calls. Wants to know how to change fonts on form. Ask
them what chipset they're using. Tell them to call back when they find out.
4:55 pm
Decide to run "Create Save/Replication Conflicts" macro so next shift
has something to do.
Tuesday-------
8:30 am
Finish reading support log from last night. Sounded busy. Terrible time
with Save/Replication conflicts.
9:00 am
Support manager arrives. Wants to discuss my attitude. Click on
PhoneNotes SmartIcon. "Love to, but kinda busy. Put something in the
calendar database!" I yell as I grab for the support lines, which have
(mysteriously) lit up. Walks away grumbling.
9:35 am
Team leader from R&D needs ID for new employee. Tell them they need form
J-19R=9c9\\DARR\K1. Say they never heard of such a form. Tell them it's
in the SPECIAL FORMS database. Say they never heard of such a database.
Transfer them to janitorial closet in basement.
10:00 am
Perky sounding intern from R&D calls and says she needs new ID. Tell her
I need employee number, department name, manager name, and marital status.
Run @DbLookup against state parole board database, Centres for Disease
Control database, and my Oprah Winfrey Database. No hits. Tell her
ID will be ready tonight. Drawing from the lessons learned in last week's
"Reengineering for Customer Partnership," I offer to personally deliver
ID to her apartment.
10:07 am
Janitor stops by to say he keeps getting strange calls in basement.
Offer to train him on Notes. Begin now. Let him watch console while
I grab a smoke.
1:00 pm
Return from smoking break. Janitor says phones kept ringing, so he
transfered them to cafeteria lady. I like this guy.
1:05 pm
Big commotion! Support manager falls in hole left where I pulled floor
tiles outside his office door. Stress to him importance of not running
in computer room, even if I do yell "omigod -- Fire!"
1:15 pm
Development Standards Committee calls and complains about umlauts in
form manes. Apologizing for the inconvenience, I tell them I will
fix it. Hang up and run global search/replace using gaks.
1:20 pm
Mary Hairnet from cafeteria calls. Says she keeps getting calls for
"Notice Loads" or "NoLoad Goats," she's not sure, couldn't hear over
industrial-grade blender. Tell her it was probably "Lettuce Nodes."
Maybe the food distributor with a new product? She thinks about it
and hangs up.
2:00 pm
Legal secretary calls and says she lost password. Ask her to check
in her purse, floor of car, and on bathroom counter. Tell her it
possibly fell out of back of machine. Suggest she put duct tape over
all the airvents she can find on the PC. Grudgingly offer to create
new ID for her while she does that.
2:49 pm
Janitor comes back. Wants more lessons. I take off rest of day.
Wednesday -------
8:30 am
Irate user calls to say chipset has nothing to do with fonts on form.
Tell them Of course, they should have been checking "bitset," not
"chipset". Sheepish user apologizes and hangs up.
9:10 am
Support manager, with foot in cast, returns to office. Schedules 10:00am
meeting with me. User calls and wants to talk to support manager about
terrible help at support desk. Tell them manager about to go into
meeting.
Sometimes life hands you material...
10:00 am
Call Louie in janitorial services to cover for me. Go to support
manager's office. He says he can't dismiss me but can suggest several
lateral career moves. Most involve farm implements in third-world
countries with moderate to heavy political turmoil. By and by, I ask
if he's aware of new bug which takes full-text indexed random e-mail
databases and puts all references to furry handcuffs and Bambi Boomer
in Marketing on the corporate Web page.
Meeting is adjourned as he reaches for keyboard, web browser, and Tums.
10:30 am
Tell Louie he's doing great job. Offer to show him mainframe corporate
PBX system sometime.
11:00 am
Lunch.
4:55 pm
Return from lunch.
5:00 pm
Shift changes; Going home.
Thursday -------
8:00 am
New guy ("Marvin") started today. "Nice plaids" I offer. Show him server
room, wiring closet, and technical library. Set him up with IBM PC-XT.
Tell him to quit whining, Notes runs the same in both monochrome and
colour.
8:45 am
New guy's PC finishes booting up. Tell him I'll create new ID for him.
Set minimum password length to 64. Go grab smoke.
9:30 am
Introduce Louie the custodian to Marvin. "Nice plaids" Louie comments.
Is this guy great or what?!
11:00 am
Beat Louie in dominoes game. Louie leaves. Fish spare dominoes out of
sleeves ("Always have backups"). User calls, says Accounting server
is down. Untie Ethernet cable from radio antenna (better reception)
and plug back into hub. Tell user to try again. Another happy customer!
11:55 am
Brief Marvin on Corporate Policy 98.022.01: "Whereas all new employees
beginning on days ending in 'Y' shall enjoy all proper aspects with
said corporation, said employee is "obligated to provide sustenance and
relief to senior technical analyst on shift." Marvin doubts. I point
to "Corporate Policy" database (a fine piece of work, if I say so
myself!). "Remember, that's DOUBLE pepperoni and NO peppers!" I yell
to Marvin as he steps over open floor tile to get to exit door.
1:00 pm
Oooooh! Pizza makes me so sleepy...
4:30 pm
Wake from refreshing nap. Catch Marvin scanning want ads.
5:00 pm
Shift change. Flick HR's server off and on several time (just testing
the On/Off button...). See ya tomorrow.
Friday -------
8:00 am
Night shift still trying to replace power supply in HR server. Told them
it worked fine before I left.
9:00 am
Marvin still not here. Decide I might start answering these calls
myself. Unforward phones from Mailroom.
9:02 am
Yep. A user call. Users in Des Moines can't replicate. Me and the Oiuji
board determine it's sunspots. Tell them to call Telecommunications.
9:30 am
Good grief, another user! They're like ants. Says he's in San Diego and
can't replicate with Des Moines. Tell him it's sunspots, but with a two-
hour difference. Suggest he reset the time on the server back two hours.
10:17 am
Pensacola calls. Says they can't route mail to San Diego. Tell them to
set server ahead three hours.
11:00 am
E-mail from corporate says for everybody to quit resetting the time on
their servers. I change the date stamp and forward it to Milwaukee.
11:20 am
Finish @CoffeeMake macro. Put phone back on hook.
11:23 am
Milwaukee calls, asks what day it is.
11:25 am
Support manager stops by to say Marvin called in to quit. "So hard to
get good help..." I respond. Support manager says he has appointment
with orthopedic doctor this afternoon, and asks if I mind sitting in
on the weekly department head meeting for him. "No problem!"
11:30 am
Call Louie and tell him opportunity knocks and he's invited to a meeting
this afternoon. "Yeah, sure. You can bring your snuff" I tell him.
12:00 pm
Lunch
1:00 pm
Start full backups on UNIX server. Route them to device NULL to make
them fast.
1:03 pm
Full weekly backups done. Man, I love modern technology!
2:30 pm
Look in support manager's contact management database. Cancel 2:45 pm
appointment for him. He really should be at home resting, you know.
2:39 pm
New user calls. Says want to learn how to create a connection document.
Tell them to run connection document utility CTRL-ALT-DEL. Says PC
rebooted. Tell them to call micro support.
2:50 pm
Support manager calls to say mix-up at doctor's office means appointment
cancelled. Says he's just going to go on home. Ask him if he's seen
corporate Web page lately.
3:00 pm
Another (novice) user calls. Says periodic macro not working. Suggest
they place @DeleteDocument at end of formula. Promise to send them
document addendum which says so.
4:00 pm
Finish changing foreground colour in all documents to white. Also set
point size to "2" in help databases.
4:30 pm
User calls to say they can't see anything in documents. Tell them to go
to view, do a "Edit -- Select All", hit delete key, and then refresh.
Promise to send them document addendum which says so.
4:45 pm
Another user calls. Says they can't read help documents. Tell them I'll
fix it. Hang up. Change font to wingdings.
5:00 pm
Night shift shows up. Tell them that the hub is acting funny and to
have a good weekend.
=========================================================================
RING
RING
RING
RING
RING
RING
RING
RING
RING
RING
- Local time
- 6:39 AM
- Joined
- Oct 25, 2010
- Messages
- 36,329
- Reaction score
- 138,233
- Location
- Monroe, New York
- Local time
- 6:39 AM
- Joined
- Oct 25, 2010
- Messages
- 36,329
- Reaction score
- 138,233
- Location
- Monroe, New York
- Local time
- 6:39 AM
- Joined
- Oct 25, 2010
- Messages
- 36,329
- Reaction score
- 138,233
- Location
- Monroe, New York
I wouldn’t call that totally winless!
bm02tj
Well-Known Member
Christmas Carols for the psychologically challenged:
1) Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?
2) Amnesia - I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas
3) Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
4) Manic - Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And ...........
5) Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Queens Disoriented Are
6) Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us
7) Borderline Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll not Tell You Why
8) Full Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire
9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
10) Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
11) Senile Dementia - Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe
12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
13) Social Anxiety Disorder - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
14) Attention Deficit Disorder - We Wish You ...... Hey Look!! It's Snowing!
1) Schizophrenia - Do You Hear What I Hear, the Voices, the Voices?
2) Amnesia - I Don't Remember If I'll be Home for Christmas
3) Narcissistic - Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
4) Manic - Deck The Halls And Walls And House And Lawn And Streets And Stores And Office And Town And Cars And Buses And Trucks And Trees And Fire Hydrants And ...........
5) Multiple Personality Disorder - We Three Queens Disoriented Are
6) Paranoid - Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Us
7) Borderline Personality Disorder - You Better Watch Out, You Better not Shout, I'm Gonna Cry, and I'll not Tell You Why
8) Full Personality Disorder - Thoughts of Roasting You On an Open Fire
9) Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
10) Agoraphobia - I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House
11) Senile Dementia - Walking In a Winter Wonderland Miles from My House in My Slippers and Robe
12) Oppositional Defiant Disorder - I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House
13) Social Anxiety Disorder - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate
14) Attention Deficit Disorder - We Wish You ...... Hey Look!! It's Snowing!
Triplegreen500
Well-Known Member
- Local time
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- Dec 3, 2020
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- Location
- western Maryland
That there is the California State Turd.
Photon440
Well-Known Member
- Local time
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- Joined
- Mar 14, 2012
- Messages
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- 33,803
- Location
- Surrey, B.C. Canada
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