Let's post some fun stuff here
- Thread starter Snowtrooper1966
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Photon440
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Some Steven Wright one-liners:
1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door
went nuts.
2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
considered a hostage situation?
3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't
live there.
4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
6. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be
gone. I said, "The whole time."
7. So what's the speed of dark?
8. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who
has been diss-ing them anyhow?
9. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting
OUT of the water?
10. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
11. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
12. I just got skylights put in my place.The people who live above me
are furious.
13. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
14. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
Special Olympics?
15. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
funny?
16. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
17. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
19. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
20. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice
as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
21. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?
22. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?
23. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
24. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money
they already know you don't have?
25. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the
universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
26. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward,
would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
27. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
28. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do
the other trees make fun of it?
29. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
30. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near
miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
31. Do fish get cramps after eating?
32. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
33. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?
34. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something
new?
35. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
36. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
37. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open,
it's not a door?
38. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe
you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
39. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
40. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of
progress?
41. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but
dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
42. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
43. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
44. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
45. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
suitcase?
46. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
47. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
48. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
49. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
50. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
51. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
52. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
53. Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just
SEEM longer?
54. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
55. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are
they all still working?
56. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
57. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
1. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door
went nuts.
2. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
considered a hostage situation?
3. Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't
live there.
4. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
5. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
6. I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I'd be
gone. I said, "The whole time."
7. So what's the speed of dark?
8. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who
has been diss-ing them anyhow?
9. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting
OUT of the water?
10. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
11. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
12. I just got skylights put in my place.The people who live above me
are furious.
13. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
14. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
Special Olympics?
15. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
funny?
16. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
17. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
19. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
20. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice
as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
21. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?
22. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?
23. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
24. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money
they already know you don't have?
25. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the
universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
26. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward,
would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
27. What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
28. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do
the other trees make fun of it?
29. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
30. When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near
miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
31. Do fish get cramps after eating?
32. Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
33. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?
34. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something
new?
35. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
36. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
37. Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open,
it's not a door?
38. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe
you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
39. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
40. If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of
progress?
41. Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but
dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
42. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
43. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
44. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
45. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
suitcase?
46. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
47. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
48. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
49. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
50. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
51. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
52. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
53. Do married people live longer than single people, or does it just
SEEM longer?
54. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
55. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are
they all still working?
56. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
57. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
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They caught a guy in Hobby Lobby the other day dipping his testicles in the bags of glitter.
Police spokesman said, “He’s pretty nuts.”
Police spokesman said, “He’s pretty nuts.”
Photon440
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Top 41 tactful ways to say someone is stupid
1. About as sharp as a marble.
2. A few clowns short of a circus.
3. Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
4. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
5. I wish I had a blueprint for his brain; I'm trying to build an idiot.
6. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
7. He only has one oar in the water.
8. A few beers short of a six-pack.
9. Dumber than a box of hair.
10. A few peas short of a casserole.
11. Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
12. One Froot Loop shy of a bowl.
13. One taco short of a combination plate.
14. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
15. All foam, no beer.
16. The cheese slid off her cracker.
17. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
18. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
19. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
20. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
21. As smart as bait.
22. Chimney's clogged.
23. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
25. Forgot to pay her brain bill.
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
29. If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
31. No grain in the silo.
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
33. Receiver is off the hook.
34. Twenty-four cents short of a quarter.
35. Skylight leaks a little.
36. Slinky's kinked.
37. Surfing in Nebraska.
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
39. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
40. The lights are on, but nobody's home.
41. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
1. About as sharp as a marble.
2. A few clowns short of a circus.
3. Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
4. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
5. I wish I had a blueprint for his brain; I'm trying to build an idiot.
6. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
7. He only has one oar in the water.
8. A few beers short of a six-pack.
9. Dumber than a box of hair.
10. A few peas short of a casserole.
11. Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.
12. One Froot Loop shy of a bowl.
13. One taco short of a combination plate.
14. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
15. All foam, no beer.
16. The cheese slid off her cracker.
17. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
18. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
19. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
20. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
21. As smart as bait.
22. Chimney's clogged.
23. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
25. Forgot to pay her brain bill.
26. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
29. If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
31. No grain in the silo.
32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
33. Receiver is off the hook.
34. Twenty-four cents short of a quarter.
35. Skylight leaks a little.
36. Slinky's kinked.
37. Surfing in Nebraska.
38. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
39. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
40. The lights are on, but nobody's home.
41. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Photon440
Well-Known Member
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So when women want to know why men are jerks...
1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men
suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average
life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just
from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone
modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that
all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met
you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at
not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic
memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later
reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our
memory by staring as much as we can.
3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy.
It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added
bonus.
4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner
frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open
it you get into trouble with your partner.
6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's
the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much
of the world nowadays.
7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that
men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we
feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing
some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our
foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache
whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige
you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand
lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go
roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting
on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other
story.
9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution
that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting
tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one
spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more
successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended
periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny.
The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc.
The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this
innate ability.
10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say
that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men
consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own
character faults.
11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure
fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still
works quite well.
12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of
your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you
will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy
for other things.
13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides,
we know darn well you'll pick it up.
14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to
let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not,
it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended
periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want
to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and
hours to look at things we have no intention of killing?
Err... buying?
1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men
suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average
life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just
from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone
modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that
all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met
you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at
not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic
memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later
reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our
memory by staring as much as we can.
3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy.
It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added
bonus.
4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner
frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.
5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open
it you get into trouble with your partner.
6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's
the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much
of the world nowadays.
7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that
men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we
feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing
some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our
foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache
whenever I try to figure out how I feel.
8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige
you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand
lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go
roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting
on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other
story.
9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution
that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting
tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one
spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more
successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended
periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny.
The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc.
The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this
innate ability.
10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say
that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men
consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own
character faults.
11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure
fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still
works quite well.
12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of
your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you
will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy
for other things.
13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides,
we know darn well you'll pick it up.
14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to
let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not,
it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended
periods of time gives us stomach cramps.
15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want
to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and
hours to look at things we have no intention of killing?
Err... buying?
Basket case
Well-Known Member
#3...how many times have you seen a woman adjust the girls...then we're pervs for watching
#15...men love shopping...just not for clothes,furniture,jewelry....get us in a gun shop,swap meet,or junk yard and then stand back
#15...men love shopping...just not for clothes,furniture,jewelry....get us in a gun shop,swap meet,or junk yard and then stand back
chtampa
Well-Known Member
1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men
suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average
life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just
from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone
modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.
Women are drawn instinctively to Alpha Males. Teenage boys observe Alpha Males acting cocky and being a jerk and they read it as women are attracted to jerks and mimic it. Kind of a fake it till you make it thing. Some never grow out of it and it is easy to see these fakers or pretenders because a secure man doesn't need to do it. The same lines as a wife beater, they both have insecurities.
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Last edited:
no 
DarksideJim
Member
I can't beat that ^^
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Yes that would be FUN !
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