generaljmwlee
Well-Known Member
last weekend I say something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was
our 15th wedding anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Sheri. What I came
across was a 100,000 - volt, pocket/purse sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat safely.
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at
the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Sheri what the burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such
a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of
my nose, directions in one hand and the taser in the other.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
second would be wasting the batteries. All the while I am looking at this little device measuring about five
inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple A
batteries thinking to myself, no possible way!!!
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I am sitting there alone, Gracie
looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it, dipss*@t," reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst
just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF
GOD...... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.... WHAT THE *&$%??!!!
I am pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body
slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet both nipples on fire, testicles now where to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position and tingling in my legs.
The cat was making meowing sounds I have never heard before, clinging to a picture frame handing above
the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing
as a one second burst when you zap yourself!! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little
I had left), I sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds. I had no control
over the drooling. Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was
gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair ... I am still looking for
my private parts and I am now offering a significant amount of blue chip stocks for their safe return!!
P.S. My wife loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it.
"If you thing education is difficult, try being stupid"ach]bad gift for your wife
our 15th wedding anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Sheri. What I came
across was a 100,000 - volt, pocket/purse sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term effect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat safely.
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at
the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Sheri what the burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the
directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such
a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of
my nose, directions in one hand and the taser in the other.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
second would be wasting the batteries. All the while I am looking at this little device measuring about five
inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple A
batteries thinking to myself, no possible way!!!
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I am sitting there alone, Gracie
looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it, dipss*@t," reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst
just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF
GOD...... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.... WHAT THE *&$%??!!!
I am pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body
slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet both nipples on fire, testicles now where to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position and tingling in my legs.
The cat was making meowing sounds I have never heard before, clinging to a picture frame handing above
the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing
as a one second burst when you zap yourself!! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little
I had left), I sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 pounds. I had no control
over the drooling. Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was
gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair ... I am still looking for
my private parts and I am now offering a significant amount of blue chip stocks for their safe return!!
P.S. My wife loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it.
"If you thing education is difficult, try being stupid"ach]bad gift for your wife
