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Some advice please

BeeKool

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This week has been rough. On Tuesday my mom called to let me know that my stepfather Phil was getting lifelighted to a the hospital. Phil had suffered a heart attack. After spending 12 hours with Phil in the CCU I said my final goodbye. He passed away a few hours later having never recovered. For the better because he would have been an invalid most likely.
Phil was a cool guy and a wonderful human being. He had many stories and several cool cars through his lifetime.
He was loved by all and now there is an immense Vaccumn in our lives. Anyway he also left alot to be cleaned up by the living, which we will do in the coming weeks. Most notably was debt but as stated, my mother will cross that bridge when the time comes. As for now we've been notifying friends and planning a memorial.

Phil was ten years older than my mom and had children from two previous marriages.
His daughter Angela, kept in touch through the years and was part of Phil's life.
His two sons and him had not spoke in decades. Put it this way, Phil was an important part of my life for 26 years and never once did his sons come and visit him despite the fact that he regularly tried to make amends with him. They lived less than 75 miles AWAY!
Now that Phil has passed, suddenly they want to be part of his will. As stated he didn't have much.
Never in 25 years of marriage to my mother did they call, visit, text, write or even send a Facebook post. They never even introduced themselves to mother or Phil's new family or friends.
I'm kind of at a loss what to do now, Phil was a very kind soul and would be glad that his two sons came to pay their respects. My mother on the other hand, is a take no prisoners kind of gal and is offended that after 25+ years of negligence that they would have the audacity to come looking for handouts.

Should I tell them to **** off?
I've decided that they can have old photographs from Phils years before I knew him and such, but get absolitely nothing of monetary value.

I'm hoping things will go well but cautiously guarded
 
I am sorry for your loss...it is a tough thing to go through.

Take the high road and be civil...even though they chose to stay away, as you don't know their reasons.

I would agree, stuff he had before he met your Mom, should rightfully go to his 'other' family. Provide those things to the eldest of those siblings and let them handle distribution.

Anything he aquired in the last 25-26 years, they shouldn't have access to...unless they are willing to take care of some of that debt you mentioned. Be gracious, but firm.
Good luck, my friend.
 
I'm so sorry for your loss. Sounds like you both had a very special relationship!

I believe your Mom, as surviving spouse, has complete legal ownership to all property and belongings your step-dad left. If she chooses to share with anyone that is completely up to her. If a written will was in force then that may stipulate some specific distributions but if not the absent sons pretty much have no claims.
 
sound like a really tough time ,be strong !! and as you said tell them for "**** off " ,that are just trying to get something for nothing
 
Hey BeeKool….first, I'm very sorry for your loss. Sorry if any of this sounds harsh, but I'm just going to call 'em as I see 'em.
1. His other two sons are stupid....they had their chance to spend time with him, they didn't take that chance, and now the opportunity is gone...their loss for sure.
2. In my opinion, if they want to be part of his funeral, why not? I'm sure Phil would be OK with that.
3. Legally, your mother has 100% control & ownership of anything and everything..... all his things, all his money & all his debt too unfortunately. If Phil left a will, I don't believe anything listed in it to give to anyone else doesn't take effect until your mother goes to Heaven too. You should probably ask a lawyer to be sure.
4. In my opinion, I think you should encourage your mom to be kind to your stepbrothers, even though they don't deserve it. It's the Christian thing to do. If she wants to be a jerk to them, I wouldn't blame her though based on the circumstances.
5. I think it's very kind of you to let them have some of Phils pictures & some personal belongings. He was their dad too. Good job!
6. And yep, as long as your mom is on this Earth, the brothers don't get anything she doesn't want them too. It is definitely shady to not see your own father for 20+ yrs. and start asking for money when he passes away....darn shady in my opinion.

Again, sorry for your loss. You, your mom and all of your family are in my prayers.
 
BeeKool, As Dako said, be civil (if they are), but Gold Rush nailed it, unless Phil had a will that say's otherwise, EVERYTHING goes to his wife. They can stand there with both hands out, **** in one and wish in the other and see which one gets the most.
 
He had 2 life insurance policies that will cover funeral cost.
But hospital bills and old debt may force her to file bankruptcy.
We will sell his trucks and Harley in the next month.
And slowly go through his garage and mancave in the coming months.
He had lots of tools, I will pay mother for any tool I take. As I told Phil the last time I saw him conscious, ( last week I did some welding on his mower deck.)He asked me what He owed me, As always I told him, "friends don't keep score."
If anything I owe him for the numerous meals, rides home from bar, laughs, stories and years of good times.
Must be getting smoky in here, eyes a bit watery. Lol
 
Hey BeeKool….first, I'm very sorry for your loss. Sorry if any of this sounds harsh, but I'm just going to call 'em as I see 'em.
1. His other two sons are stupid....they had their chance to spend time with him, they didn't take that chance, and now the opportunity is gone...their loss for sure.
2. In my opinion, if they want to be part of his funeral, why not? I'm sure Phil would be OK with that.
3. Legally, your mother has 100% control & ownership of anything and everything..... all his things, all his money & all his debt too unfortunately. If Phil left a will, I don't believe anything listed in it to give to anyone else doesn't take effect until your mother goes to Heaven too. You should probably ask a lawyer to be sure.
4. In my opinion, I think you should encourage your mom to be kind to your stepbrothers, even though they don't deserve it. It's the Christian thing to do. If she wants to be a jerk to them, I wouldn't blame her though based on the circumstances.
5. I think it's very kind of you to let them have some of Phils pictures & some personal belongings. He was their dad too. Good job!
6. And yep, as long as your mom is on this Earth, the brothers don't get anything she doesn't want them too. It is definitely shady to not see your own father for 20+ yrs. and start asking for money when he passes away....darn shady in my opinion.

Again, sorry for your loss. You, your mom and all of your family are in my prayers.
Trent

Sorry for your loss bro!

I think PB stated it perfectly above!
 
Sorry to hear about that Bee. Good of you to offer pictures/sentimental stuff, regardless of how their relationship ended up he was their father. They will have to come to terms with the fact that they didn't reconcile, and it wouldn't benefit you to hold back those kinds of things..now money/posessions should be mom's call. Unless he had something drawn up to include them they've got no claim to it. Sorry again man stay strong
 
I agree there may be more to the story but to come looking for $$ after he is gone is wrong. They will know they are wrong and have some BS claim so be ready to refute firmly. This is how it works boys, goodbye.
 
Sorry for your loss BeeKool. It's a shame what money does to some people. After 25 years of nothing, now they want to benefit from their father's passing. That's disgusting. I think that your idea is the right one, give them some pictures and NOTHING else. I hope that your Mom is hanging in there after her loss.
 
But hospital bills and old debt may force her to file bankruptcy.
I was going to say that at this point what your mother puts in HER will, will determine what they get (if anything), but your above statement pretty mush answers that.
 
I’m with the guys that have already posted. No reason to be uncivil to them - even though they deserve it. If they start grubbing for money hand them a bill for half of his debt and see what they have to,say about that. I might give them the pot that Phil pissed in but nothing more,than that. Sorry to hear of his passing and God Bless to you, your mother and the family that cared for him.
 
Phil worked at Maytag in Newton Iowa for many years.
One story, in late '67 Phil went out and bought a remaining new GTO off the dealers lot.
It was a total pos and and after 3 weeks took it back and got his money back, went across town and ordered a brand new cutting edge Roadrunner from the Plymouth dealer. After a few months wait Phils Plain jane beeper, no frills, cost less money than the goat. It also was probaby one of the 1st sold in Iowa Not only was it more attractive, more reliable, it with its 383 TF and 8.75 rear... it would stomp that GTO and every other Poncho that was foolish enough to try.
His coworkers that rode with him to work loved the car so much that the Plymouth Dealer ended selling one of them a New GTX later in 68 and the other co-worker a 68 R/T Coronet. (Personally I'd take Coronet R/T :D)
He said carpooling to work was fun regardless of who drove. Lol
That story had me a 13 year old hooked. I knew someday I would own a badass Mopar
 
Sorry for your family loss Trent. Rough stuff & hard choices to make. Prayers to your strength Brother.
 
++1 to all the above. Wife(the oldest) has been going thru same thing with her mom. Other 2 siblings want nothing to do with anything, I know the youngest will show up with his hands out also when the time comes. Sorry for your loss & be civil(it’s hard tho)
 
Sorry for your loss.

Life lesson here for everyone. If you have multiple marriages or kids with others. Siblings you dislike, kids you disown, Whatever. MAKE A WILL!!!!
 
Sorry for ya'lls loss, everyone seems to crawl out of the woods when things like this happen, pretty see and pathetic. They have already lost, missing out spending time with what sounds like a good decent guy....but they have their reasons and will have to wrestle with it from here on out.
Take the high road even though it would feel really good to tell them to f off. I think you're better than that and like you said Phil would have wanted it that way...
Be there for your Mom and help her get past the anger she feels towards the two sons...it will help her grieve and start healing....
Prayers to you and the family
 
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