Canada Orders Toronto Blue Jays Players Euthanized
Nov 3, 2025
TORONTO — Following the team's devastating loss to the Los Angeles Dodgers in Game 7 of the 2025 World Series, the Canadian government announced that it had ordered the players from the Toronto Blue Jays to be euthanized.
As is standard procedure in Canada, people who have outlived their usefulness and no longer provide the expected value to society are promptly scheduled to be exterminated. After failing to bring home a championship, the Blue Jays' roster was deemed to have reached the end of the line.
"It's what's best for all parties," said Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney. "They had a great run, they almost pulled it off, but the harsh truth is that the Blue Jays are now more of a drain on resources than what they provide. It's a difficult decision to make, but it's the right one. I've given the official order to have them all euthanized."
Though unconfirmed, reports circulated that the Blue Jays would have been given a reprieve and been allowed to continue living had they been able to defeat the Dodgers. "We gave them an opportunity to keep going," said one member of Parliament who asked to remain anonymous. "They had their chances, both to win Game 7 and to stay alive. They didn't get the win, and unfortunately, sometimes in life, there are consequences. We don't make the rules. Well, actually, we do, but this was the decision, eh?"
At publishing time, the Toronto Blue Jays front office had notified the rest of the team in Major League Baseball that they were in desperate need to refill the entire roster for next season.