Ahhhhhh Johnny...

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school. When he reaches his classroom he looks inside and sees a sub instead of his regular teacher. Johnny sits down and the teacher says, “Now students, my name is Ms. Prussy. Not the other word, this word has an r after the first letter.” Johnny started laughing. An hour later he forgot her name, he asked, “Your name has an r after the first letter -- is it Ms. Crunt?

 

[Lefty71]

Normally you don't get homework assignments from a sub..... Sounds like Little Johnnie just got essay assignments for the whole class, lol.

 

[Ironbuilt]

The father was baby sitting while his wife went to a PTA meeting.

Later in the evening the father settled down to watch TV.

But little Johnny repeatedly kept coming down stairs and asking for a glass of water.

After the fifth glass,the dad lost his patience and yelled, "I'm trying to watch the TV. Now go back to bed".

“But Dad”, the little Johnny whined, "my room is still on fire"!

 

[Ironbuilt]

Coming home from his Little League game, Little Johnny swung open the front door very excited.

Because his father was unable to attend the game, he immediately wanted to know what happened. "So, how did you do son" he asked?

"You'll never believe it" Little Johnny said! "I was responsible for the winning run"!!

"Really? How'd you do that"?

"I dropped the ball".

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play".

Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with".

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play"?

"I wanna play 'Mommie and Daddy", Little Johnny whines in reply.

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do"?

Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you're taking a nap".

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.

Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now"?

In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get your *** downstairs and get that kid some ice cream"!

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny goes up to a prostitute and asks, "How much for a blow job?"

"Four hundred bucks," the hooker says.

"Four hundred bucks? That's awfully expensive." Little Johnny tries to talk her down, but she won't lower her price. He really wants the blowjob, so he eventually agrees to pay the four hundred dollars. After handing over the money, he immediately starts to jack off.

"What are you doing that for?" she asks.

"For four hundred bucks, do you think I'm gonna give you the easy one?" says Little Johnny

 

[Ironbuilt]

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.

Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Little Johnny, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So, Little Johnny and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Little Johnny, "Well, did you find it"?

Little Johnny is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards".

 

[Ironbuilt]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning..

They were very excited..

Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off:
"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher,

"What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing,

"Hey, this tastes like ****!"

Then I would say, "It is ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

 

[Ironbuilt]

Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and cried until his mother came in to see what was the matter. "I have to make pee pee", wailed Little Johnny.

"All right," said his mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom."

"No" insisted Little Johnny, "I want Grandma."

"Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma," said his mother firmly."

"Nuh-uh. Her hands shake." replied Little Johnny.

 

[Ironbuilt]

One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.

Little Johnny says "It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth."

The teacher says "that is correct, but why?"

Little Johnny answers "I don't know, but my Mom always tells my dad "turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Lil' Johnny And Lil' Suzie Were Walking


home from school one day.

As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road, going at it like rabbits. "What are they doing, Johnny" Suzie asked?

Well, Lil' Johnny, being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they were doing, but was embarrassed to say, so he said, "Well, he's scaring her".

Lil' Suzie replied, "Oh".

They walked a little further and Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me, Lil' Johnny".

Well, Lil' Johnny thought, "What the hell," so he took her into the bushes and "scared" her.

After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field.

"What are they doing, Lil' Johnny" she asked?

"Well, he's scaring her." So Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny".

So, Lil' Johnny took her into the bushes and "scared" her again.

After they were finished, they continued walking home. Soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it.

"What are they doing, Lil' Johnny" she asked again?

"Uh, he's scaring her," Lil' Johnny replied.

After a few more minutes of walking, Lil' Suzie said, "Scare me again, Lil' Johnny".

Lil' Johnny, not being as much of a man as he had thought, blurted out, "BOO, damn it, BOO"!

 

[Ironbuilt]

"Johnny, where's your homework"? Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it", was his solemn response.

"Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that"?

"It's true, Miss Martin, I swear", insisted Johnny.

"I had to force him, but he ate it"!

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny was at the local supermarket with his parents.

Little Johnny, got tired of walking, so his Dad let Little Johnny sit on his shoulders. As they walked Little Johnny started pulling his Dad's hair.

His Dad asked Little Johnny to stop numerous times but he kept on. Eventually Little Johnny's Dad got really annoyed and said, "Son Stop that immediately!"

"But, Daddy", Little Johnny replied, "I'm just trying to get my chewing-gum back".

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she is not wearing any knickers.

The blonde realises he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Little Johnny and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Little Johnny, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman.

Little Johnny stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

Little Johnny moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Little Johnny replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy" he asked?

"To make myself beautiful", said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up"?

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6.

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'

"What's the ******* difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I really wanted the word fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word fascinate" so she called on him.

Little Johnny said, "My sisters sweater has 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping centre.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store... He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, A diarrhoea run.

She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the 'thing'.

Finally, he takes out his pen and touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right" she asks?

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart"!

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked, "doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery. Did you know God painted this just for you"?

Little Johnny said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed".

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand"?

"Well," said Little Johnny, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand"!

 

[Ironbuilt]

A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression "I presume".

One little girl held up her hand and said: "Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."

"Very good" said the teacher.

Another one said: "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."

"That's excellent" says the teacher.

Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says: "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that......."

The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."

Johnny says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence."

The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."

"As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a crap because he can't read."