Ahhhhhh Johnny...

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," Little Johnny replied.

"Of course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.”

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnnie and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decided that they want to get married, so Johnnie decided to approach Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnnie bravely walked up to him and said, "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage".

Thinking that this was the cutest thing ever, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnnie, you are only 10. Where will you two live"?

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnnie replied, "In Susie's room, of course. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit our stuff in there nicely".

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie".

Again, Johnnie instantly replied, "Our allowance - Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine".

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnnie had put so much thought into his proposal. So, Mr. Smith thought for a moment, as he tried to come up with something that Johnnie wouldn't know how to answer. After another moment, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnnie, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own"?
Johnnie just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, gosh, Mr. Smith, I’ve been worried about that, but we've been lucky so far..."

 

[Ironbuilt]

One day Little Johnny's Mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine. This was *highly* upsetting to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home. When Little Johnny's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in "your" son's closet".

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

Several minutes passed, then she finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this"?

Little Johnny's Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him".

 

[Ironbuilt]

It was decided to teach sex education in school and the principal chose his favorite teacher's second grade class as a trial. The teacher showed the film, read the material to her students and then asked if anyone had questions.

One little boy held up his hand and shyly said, "Teacher, I have a boy dog and he jumps over the fence and wrestles with this girl dog and she has puppies. Is this sex"?

The teacher replied, "Yes, that's sex".

A little girl raised her hand and asked, "Teacher, I have a girl cat and there's a boy cat that jumps on her out in the yard and they wrestle. Then she has kittens. Is that sex"?

The teacher said, "Yes, that's sex".

Little Johnny raises his hand and blurted, "Teacher, the other night I saw a movie where three guys wrestled with James Bond. Is that sex"?

The teacher shook her head and said, "No, that was not sex"!

Little Johnny replied, "Whew! I thought it would take more than three guys to screw James Bond"!

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from"?

The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have all of mine".

 

[Ironbuilt]

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

Little Johhny replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "but no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from his drawing little Johnny replied, "They will in a minute."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat in the front yard. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "**** OFF!", the dog ate him!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

One day in class the teacher was teaching the kids about the alphabet and asked the class about the letter "R" knowing little Johnnys habbit of turning everything into something dirty..

Surely there's no way he can turn this into something dirty, she thought.. There are no dirty words that begin with the letter R..

So she asks the class to come up with words that begin with R..

Little Suzie raises her hand and says.."Range starts with R." and the teacher says.. "Very good Suzie..

And then little Billy raises his hand and says.. "Rodeo starts with the letter R.."

"Very good Billy.." The teacher says..

All the while little Johnny has been sitting in the back of the class room practically jumping out of his seat and flailing his hand in the air..

Finally the teacher figures it's safe to call on him because of the words that begin with R..

"Ok Johnny.." Says the teacher.. "Give me a word beginning with the letter R".

Little Johnny jumps up and says.. "Rats.." "Great big huge fuckin rats about this ******* long.."

 

[Ironbuilt]

One day, Gramma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Little Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma," replied Little Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

The science teacher was discussing insects in his biology class and said "Moths always fly with their legs apart. Can anyone tell me why"?


All the students looked at each other in utter confusion...

except Little Johnny who piped up from the back of the class and said "Sir, have you ever seen the size of moth balls"?

 

[Ironbuilt]

A teacher asked the kids in her 3rd grade class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decided not to acknowledge what he said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.

"And how about you, Sarah?"


"I wanna be Little Johnny’s hooker."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny, what's your problem?"

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.

While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3. Johnny: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Johnny both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Johnny replied:
"Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Johnny: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Johnny: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Johnny: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Johnny: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.

"Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of
lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his class but she belonged to someone else. One day Little Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said. "I'll give you a $1000 if you let me screw you." But the girl said "NO!".

Little Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.

So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says "Ask him for $2000, by the time you pick up the money he won't even be able to get his pants down." So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks "What happened...?"

She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

The teacher asked Little Johnny to spell "straight".

Little Johnny did so without any errors.

"Well done and what is the meaning of 'straight'" said the teacher?

Little Johnny quickly replied, 'without water in it".

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny was in class. He raised his hand and the teacher said, "What is it, Johnny?"

Johnny said, "I've got to go ****, ma'am."

The teacher replied, "Johnny don't ever talk like that in class again next time say number 2."

Johnny says, "Yes, ma'am."

About an hour later Johnny raises his hand again and the teacher says, "What is it now, Johnny?"

Johnny says, "My brother has to go ****, what's his number?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy...

He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down and little Johnny lets out a scream.

His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his privates and screaming in pain.

He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it and make it better".

Little Johnny’s mother shouts, "Don’t start your father’s **** with me"!

 

[Ironbuilt]

The teacher asked Little Johnny if he had any pets.

Little Johnny replied "Yes I have a pet cat and this morning before I left for school I put some lighter fuel in the cat's water bowl. The cat raced up the stairs. jumped over the beds, ran down again, across the living room to the curtains, climbed up to the top and then fell down onto the floor. The cat just lay there motionless".

"OMG", exclaimed the teacher, "was your pet cat dead"?

"No" said Little Johnny, "He just ran out of gas..."

 

[Ironbuilt]

When little Johnny was in the fifth grade he looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Johnny, I hope it's not homework again"?

"Well, uh, yes it is", replied Johnny. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane".

"Johnny, you're right that wasn't a very bright thing to do", said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in".

"Oh, but that won't work", said Johnny, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked".