Ahhhhhh Johnny...

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making babies, so she had "the talk" with him. Afterwards Little Johnny just sat there silently for awhile.

"Do you understand?" his mother asked.

"Yes," replied Little Johnny.

"Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother.

"Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little Johnny.

"In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom.

"Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "Boy, oh, boy. Daddy will **** ANYTHING!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these ******* would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "Now who said that?"

Johnny: "Tiger Woods. Can I go now?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.

'Who is credited with writing the phrase,’ To be or not to be, that is the question’?" asked the teacher. Little Abdul at the front of the class called out.........'Shakespeare'.

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off."

'No thank you Miss. I am of Arabic origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.'

'Well okay,' said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"

Little Hassan also at the front yelled out..... "Martin Luther King!"

"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"

"No thank you miss, I am of Pakistani origin and we also do not take time off school. Education is everything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Hassan.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "******* Asians!"

"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

"Nick Griffin!" yelled little Johnny, "See ya Tuesday!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Obama visits a primary school to talk to the kids. After his talk he offers to answer some questions.

First a little girl puts up his hand, and Obama asks for her name.

"Suzanne," responds the little girl.

"And what is your question, Suzanne"?

"I have four questions:

First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?

Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?

Fourth, Why are we lending mega bucks to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. The teacher says they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: Question time.. Who has a question"?

Little Johnny puts up his hand. Obama points him out and asks for his name.

"Johnny" he responds.

"And what is your question, Johnny"?

"Actually, I have two questions.

First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

Second, Where is Suzanne"?

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny and Little Mary were playing doctor, on the back porch one day. Little Mary's mom happened to walk out and see them.

Shocked and furious she said "You're gonna get a good lickin' when daddy gets home,"

Mary replied, "But that's what Johnny's been doing all afternoon!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class,

"Mary had a little lamb,
whose fleece was white as snow,
and everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb was sure to go".

She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing
the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her".

A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose.

Little Johnny raised his hand and recited,

"Mary had a little
pig, an ornery little runt,
he stuck his nose in Mary's
clothes, and smelled her little--"

He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose.

"Prose"! the teacher said weakly.

So Johnny said, "Asshole".

 

[Ironbuilt]

The teacher asks the class to name big words that eat things and end in "TOR".

The first little boy said "Alligator".

The teacher replied "Very good that is a very clever example".

Tne second little boy said "Predator".

The teacher replied "Very good that is a very good example, well done".

Little Johnny says "Vibrator".

The teacher nearly fell off her chair and replied "That is a big word but it does not eat anything".

Little Johnny replied "Yes it does; my sister says it eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow".

 

[Ironbuilt]

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Little dirty Johnny took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear an even dirtier joke?
Bubbles is the girl next door.

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny is sitting in class, the teacher is going over vocabulary words. She asks the class to use a word in a sentence. The teacher says the word is "contagious". Johnny is waving his arm up and down, no other students have their arm up. The teacher figures there is no way Johnny can come up something rude for this word, and she calls his name to use the word in a sentence. Johnny says the other day, my dad and I were driving down the freeway and woman was painting a billboard, she was using a very small brush. The teacher says "what does this have to do the word contagious?" Johnny says "my dad turned to me and said: 'Son it is going to take that "cunt-ages" to paint that billboard with that little brush!'" The teacher says, "never again!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He’s in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He’s in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well… every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked: "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died", replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned: "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied: "That's because he's inside your ******* cat."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny was sitting in his classroom when his teacher asks what sounds animals make. First the teacher asks,"what sound does a cow make?" Susie raises her hand and says moo. "Good job susie" says the teacher. Then she asks what sound does a duck make? Billy raises his hand and says quack. Next the teacher asks what sound a pig makes. Little Johnny raises his hand and says," Get your black *** out the car, put your hands above your head, and spread your legs!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny comes home and tells his daddy, “Dad, tomorrow there’s a special ‘Adults’ evening’ at school.
-
Daddy is surprised, “Really? Special?”
-
“Yes,” nods Johnny, “it will be just you, the teacher, the headmaster and two police officers.”

 

[Ironbuilt]

I asked little Johnny, 'What would you like for your birthday?'
-
He said, 'Tampons please.'
-
I said, 'Tampons!? Why do you want tampons for your birthday!?'
-
He replied, 'I saw a great TV ad. With a tampon you can go swimming, biking and skiing.'

 

[Ironbuilt]

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these ******* would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

One night Little Johnny was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

 

[Ironbuilt]

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"

Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."

"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.

The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"

Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Mike, Jonny's cousin is worse than Jonny ever could be.

One day before Christmas little Mike was talking to his father. "You be good this year and not cuss so much, and maybe santa will bring you something really nice!" Little Mike's dad said with a smile. "If not you won't get anything nice"

"I already know what I want for Christmas dad! When I wake up on Christmas morning I want to wake up and see a new ******* BB gun at the foot of my ******* bed!" little Mike said.

Little Mike's dad rolls his eyes.

"Then I want to go down stairs and see a ******* toy train going around the ******* Christmas tree!"

"Oh yeah?" His dad says.

"Yeah then I'll go out side and I want a ******* new bike leaning up against the ******* garage!"

"I wouldn't count on it young man, not after how you just talked."

When Christmas morning comes Mike wakes up. Laying at the foot of his bed is a steaming pile of dog ****! So he goes down stairs. Around the Christmas tree is a neatly arranged ring of dog ****. Then he goes outside and there by the garage is, you guessed it another pile of Dog ****!

"DAMN!" Little Mike says, starting to cry.

"Well son did you learn a lesson?" Mikes dad asks.

"I don't know dad, I think I got a new puppy but I can't ******* find it!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"