Ironbuilts' Jokes

[Ironbuilt]

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow"?

 

[Ironbuilt]

An 80 year old woman marries for the 4th time.

The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady because she had just gotten married again for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

 

[Ironbuilt]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.

Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. he's dead. What'd you buy?'

 

[Ironbuilt]

A local woman was admitted to the hospital after having phone sex.

Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and a Samsung.

No Siemen was found.

 

[Ironbuilt]

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam wasn't concerned; he thought Bill might have a cold or some urgent appointment. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since Sam didn't know where Bill lived (the only time they ever got together was at the park) he was unable to find out what had happened to him. After a month had passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill.


On his next visit to the park, however, Bill was sitting on their usual bench waiting for him. Amazed and delighted, Sam exclaimed,'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'You?! What on earth for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue , that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?'

'Yes,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me. At age 89,I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty.'

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.

 

[Ironbuilt]

One day a father and his ten-year-old son were on the bus, when the boy noticed a redhead with huge breasts. "Hey Pop," the son cried, "look at those boobs!"

Some years later, the father, a religious man, proceeded to send the boy to a military academy.

Six months later the boy came home and the father decided to take him on another bus ride.

Again, a woman with very large breasts sat across from them. To see if his son had learned any manners, the father exclaimed, "Look at the boobs on that redhead!"

"Boobs my eye," the boy replied with a smile, "get a load of the *** on that bus driver!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Jake is 5 and learning to read.

He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"

Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"

"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"

and so it does ...

"A f r i c a n Elephant "

 

[Ironbuilt]

Speedy Morris was the basketball coach at LaSalle and they were having a pretty good season. One morning, he was shaving and the phone rang. His wife answered it and called out to him that Sports Illustrated wanted to talk to him.

Coach Morris was excited that his team was apparently about to receive national recognition in this famous sports magazine. As a matter of fact, he was so excited that he cut himself with his razor.

Covered with blood and shaving lather and running downstairs to the phone, he tripped and fell down the stairs. Finally, bleeding and bruised, he made it to the phone and breathlessly said, "Hello"?

The voice on the other end asked, "Is this Speedy Morris"?

"Yes, yes!" he replied excitedly.

Then the voice continued, "Mr. Morris, for just seventy-five cents an issue, we can give you a one-year subscription to Sports illustrated."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a Chinese Businessman, and an Aussie Bricklayer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those bastards? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I'm losing my patience!'

The Chinese Businessman called out, 'Move it. Time is money!'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George,' said the Catholic Priest. 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year. We are forever grateful. We always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest was the first to speak, and said, 'That's so sad. God forgive us. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Vishnu, I repent. Good idea priest. I will also contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I'm writing a cheque at this very moment. $50,000 to these brave souls.'

The Aussie Bricklayer said, 'Why can't the bastards play at night?'

 

[Ironbuilt]

Fifteen minutes after the Titanic sank, Arthur and John find themselves hugging a piece of wreckage from the great ship.

The water is freezing, sharks are swimming nearby and of course, the Titanic is long gone.

"Oh well," says Art, "It could have been worse".

"Worse? How could it have been worse"? screams John.

"We could have bought return tickets".

 

[Ironbuilt]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?'

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me..........'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me,but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well ,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.'

 

[Ironbuilt]

Kathy: "I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men".

Vickie: "TELL me about it! I went golfing with John one time, and he told me I asked too many questions"!

Kathy: "Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask"?

Vickie: I thought I asked legitimate questions.. like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake"?

 

[Ironbuilt]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis"?

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath".

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis"?

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

 

[Ironbuilt]

A Rabbi arrived at a Shul to give a speech. He sat and waited silently. The congregation sat patiently waiting for the Rabbi to begin. The Rabbi continues to sit quietly.

Fed up waiting, the Shamus approaches the Rabbi. "Rabbi, why are you waiting? Please start your speech".

The Rabbi points to his mouth and whispers to him "I left my false teeth at home".

The Shamus takes the Rabbi's keys and runs to the Rabbi's house, returning shortly with the false teeth.

The Rabbi starts speaking. He talks and talks. It is getting late, everyone wants him to finish. They want to go home, but the Rabbi keeps on talking.

The Shamus approaches the Rabbi and asked politely, "Rabbi, why do you talk so much..."?

The Rabbi answered: "You brought my wife's teeth".

 

[Ironbuilt]

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!'

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub".

 

[Ironbuilt]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver walls in the hotel lobby that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an older lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After a couple minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, what are you doing"?

She said, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money - just looking".

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man walks into a bank gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank!...But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses he turns around and asks the next customer in line:

Did you see me Rob this bank?

The customer replies ...YES!

The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO HIS HEAD and BANG!!!!!... SHOOTS HIM
in THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man

DID .. YOU .. SEE .. ME .. ROB THIS BANK????

The man calmly responds . No ... BUT MY WIFE DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.'

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'

'Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose.'

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple... '
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

 

[Ironbuilt]

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him"!

He showed his son the machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. This machine here we can put in pig, and out come sausages".

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig"?

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother...."