1 Wild R/T
Well-Known Member
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this
> earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done
> myself once again." No doubt you will see this true
> story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near
> future.
>
> Here goes...
>
> Last weekend I spied something at the pawnshop that
> tickled my fancy.
>
> (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily
> tickled). I bought something really cool for my wife.
>
> The occasion was our 18th anniversary and I was
> looking for a little something extra for my sweet
> girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
> pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. For those
> of you who are not familiar with this product,it is a
> less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
> designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of
> high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee
> to safety. The effects are supposed to be! short lived
> with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
> but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
>
> You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed
> assailant, push the button, and it will render him a
> slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering,
> pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these
> things in action, then you're truly missing out--way
> too cool!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
> home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and
> pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed.
> Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
> directions). I found much to my chagrin that this
> particular model would not create an arch between the
> prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect.
> I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and
> pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the
> blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between
> the prongs that I was so looking forward to.
>
> I did so. Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity,
> and a loud pop! Yipeeeeee!
>
> I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I
> have yet to explain to her what that burn spot on the
> face of her microwave is.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
> to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
> two AAA batteries, etc. etc. There I sat in my
> recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little
> soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not
> the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this
> thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I
> thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a
> second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet
> pup, after all. But,if I was going to give this thing
> to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
> want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
>
> Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? It seemed
> reasonable to me at the time.
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
> with my glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my
> nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other. The
> directions said that a one-second burst would shock
> and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
> supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily
> control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
> your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
> water. All the while I'm looking at this little
> device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
> circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
> itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No
> friggin' way!"
>
> Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of
> myself.
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but
> I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have
> got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting
> there alone, the dog looking on with his head cocked
> to one side as to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning
> that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole
> thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational
> thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
> agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst
> just for the hell of it.
>
> (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--
> always 20-20. It is so obvious that it was a bad
> decision after the fact, even though it seemed so
> right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?)
>
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
> button, and HOLY*********! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the
> front door, picked me up out of that recliner, and
> then body slammed me on the carpet over and over
> again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
> fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
> to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked
> under my body in the oddest position. The dog was
> standing over me making sounds I had never heard
> before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
> himself, "Do it again, do it again!"
>
> (NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with
> a Taser, one note of caution. There is no such thing
> as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're
> not going to let go of that thing until it is
> dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
> on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
> dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep into your thigh
> like yours truly.)
>
> SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I
> can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this
> point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
> sat up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses were on
> the TV across the room. How did they get there??? My
> triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
> twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
> Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or
> take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
>
> By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they
> ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, kinda
> hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss'em;
> sure would like to get'em back.
>
> Never Touchin' the Taser Again!
> earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done
> myself once again." No doubt you will see this true
> story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near
> future.
>
> Here goes...
>
> Last weekend I spied something at the pawnshop that
> tickled my fancy.
>
> (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily
> tickled). I bought something really cool for my wife.
>
> The occasion was our 18th anniversary and I was
> looking for a little something extra for my sweet
> girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
> pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. For those
> of you who are not familiar with this product,it is a
> less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs
> designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of
> high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee
> to safety. The effects are supposed to be! short lived
> with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
> but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.
>
> You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed
> assailant, push the button, and it will render him a
> slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle twitching, whimpering,
> pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these
> things in action, then you're truly missing out--way
> too cool!
>
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
> home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and
> pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed.
> Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
> directions). I found much to my chagrin that this
> particular model would not create an arch between the
> prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect.
> I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and
> pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the
> blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between
> the prongs that I was so looking forward to.
>
> I did so. Awesome! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity,
> and a loud pop! Yipeeeeee!
>
> I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I
> have yet to explain to her what that burn spot on the
> face of her microwave is.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
> to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
> two AAA batteries, etc. etc. There I sat in my
> recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little
> soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not
> the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this
> thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I
> thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a
> second and thought better of it. He is such a sweet
> pup, after all. But,if I was going to give this thing
> to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
> want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
>
> Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? It seemed
> reasonable to me at the time.
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
> with my glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my
> nose, directions in one hand, Taser in the other. The
> directions said that a one-second burst would shock
> and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
> supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily
> control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
> your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of
> water. All the while I'm looking at this little
> device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
> circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
> itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "No
> friggin' way!"
>
> Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of
> myself.
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but
> I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have
> got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting
> there alone, the dog looking on with his head cocked
> to one side as to say, "Don't do it buddy," reasoning
> that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole
> thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational
> thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
> agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst
> just for the hell of it.
>
> (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--
> always 20-20. It is so obvious that it was a bad
> decision after the fact, even though it seemed so
> right at the time. Don't ya just hate that?)
>
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the
> button, and HOLY*********! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the
> front door, picked me up out of that recliner, and
> then body slammed me on the carpet over and over
> again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
> fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
> to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked
> under my body in the oddest position. The dog was
> standing over me making sounds I had never heard
> before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
> himself, "Do it again, do it again!"
>
> (NOTE: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with
> a Taser, one note of caution. There is no such thing
> as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're
> not going to let go of that thing until it is
> dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
> on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't
> dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep into your thigh
> like yours truly.)
>
> SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I
> can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this
> point), I collected my wits (what little I had left),
> sat up and surveyed the landscape. My glasses were on
> the TV across the room. How did they get there??? My
> triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
> twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
> Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or
> take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
>
> By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they
> ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, kinda
> hairy, and handsome if I must say so myself. Miss'em;
> sure would like to get'em back.
>
> Never Touchin' the Taser Again!
