Caring for an elderly parent

[padam]

My mother in law lives with us now. Total disaster.

 

[themechanic]

My mother in law lives with us now. Total disaster.

It's not for everyone from what I can tell. My Mom's in such poor health she's never leaving the long term care nursing home.

 

[droptop2bottom]

Lots of good info on this post. My mother is 86, has dementia, and lives in a care home. She came to be there after falling and breaking her hip. Prior to that she was physically very active. She's been in a wheelchair since.
Falls resulting in broken bones seems to be a turning point for most over 80 years of age. I've known of several people that age, in very good health, having a fall, going to the hospital, and passing within 6-12 months.
We discovered moms dementia starting several years ago. When I'd visit her she kept asking me to speak up and quit mumbling. I'd say everyone else hears me just fine. Got her hearing checked and it was fine. A guy from hockey told me his mother did the same thing and it was dementia.
Dispite us suggesting she may have to move to a care home she would have none of it. So we respected her wishes, and allowed her independence. As her dementia progressed we eventually unplugged her stove, set her TV to one channel, had her meds delivered, brought her meals, did her shopping,had support workers visit, etc. I'm quite happy that we were able to keep her in her apartment as long as we did.
Another thing I've noticed is her personality has changed. She was always quite happy and cheerful but now can be downright miserable. She even swears, which she would never do or tolerate. My girlfriend said her mother had the same change with her dementia. But she went from being miserable to being happy.
When I visit her, and see the other elderly in wheelchairs or walkers, I wonder a few things. Do they have children, friends, or relatives visit. What do they do all day? There don't seem to be a lot of activities. And, how many of us will eventually be there? We are, as baby boomers, a huge demographic. I suspect many more facilities will have to be built. Apartments converted? Medical science may find a cure. All we can do is live as good a life as we can for as long as we can.

 

[themechanic]

Mom's church lady friend and the nursing home speech therapist/vocal rehab specialist told me they usually get argumentative and some get down right mean and can become violent.

Mom's retired pastor for decades developed Alzheimer's and began to get angry and cussed; they were shocked.

 

[JDmac72chrgr]

Dementia caused dad's mom & dad's personalities to "flip" 180 degrees from normal. Guess its the brain function. Fortunately dad had early stage before he past. Took it's toll on mom during that time. She would "vent" on me, she needed to do that to keep going. They were married 60 years, together 64 years.
Reminding ones self it's not the "person" doing it, it's the dementia gets ya through it. As dad ALWAYS said, "...got to have a thick skin..." HOW TRUE!
BE STRONG TO THOSE DEALING WITH DEMENTIA

 

[68BabyBlue]

Lots of good info on this post. My mother is 86, has dementia, and lives in a care home. She came to be there after falling and breaking her hip. Prior to that she was physically very active. She's been in a wheelchair since.
Falls resulting in broken bones seems to be a turning point for most over 80 years of age. I've known of several people that age, in very good health, having a fall, going to the hospital, and passing within 6-12 months.
We discovered moms dementia starting several years ago. When I'd visit her she kept asking me to speak up and quit mumbling. I'd say everyone else hears me just fine. Got her hearing checked and it was fine. A guy from hockey told me his mother did the same thing and it was dementia.
Dispite us suggesting she may have to move to a care home she would have none of it. So we respected her wishes, and allowed her independence. As her dementia progressed we eventually unplugged her stove, set her TV to one channel, had her meds delivered, brought her meals, did her shopping,had support workers visit, etc. I'm quite happy that we were able to keep her in her apartment as long as we did.
Another thing I've noticed is her personality has changed. She was always quite happy and cheerful but now can be downright miserable. She even swears, which she would never do or tolerate. My girlfriend said her mother had the same change with her dementia. But she went from being miserable to being happy.
When I visit her, and see the other elderly in wheelchairs or walkers, I wonder a few things. Do they have children, friends, or relatives visit. What do they do all day? There don't seem to be a lot of activities. And, how many of us will eventually be there? We are, as baby boomers, a huge demographic. I suspect many more facilities will have to be built. Apartments converted? Medical science may find a cure. All we can do is live as good a life as we can for as long as we can.

In an earlier post, I mentioned how my father planned ahead, living independently with some outside support for 15 years, until needing dementia care at the end. The facility he chose had numerous activities available, the idea being to keep people in good shape as long as possible, minimizing the possibilities of nursing care being needed at the end. My wife and I made a deposit to get on the waiting list when we turned 65. No question the hip issue gets a lot of folks, we saw it happen among my dad's peers numerous times.

When we toured the facility before making our deposit, one feature of the independent living quarters my dad had chosen surprised us. The walkway to the main complex for activities was on a hill, and sloped sideways. Wheelchair accessible, but not wheelchair friendly, and a potential problem for any ambulatory person with walking issues. Independent living units constructed later, had a level, covered sidewalk to the main complex, with excellent wheelchair access. When the time comes, we will go with one of the new units, with the goal of minimizing the chances of a debilitating event as a result of navigating the complex.

 

[themechanic]

It's not for everyone from what I can tell. My Mom's in such poor health she's never leaving the long term care nursing home.

I forgot to add we're looking for a bed in a LTC facility for Mom since the skilled nursing she's in will expire as soon as the insurance says she's done. The nursing home she's at has no LTC beds available.

TOP TIP:
The social worker and head nurse said visit other facilities in the evening and if the care seems good it will be better in the daytime when there's more staff on hand. We noticed the care slipped a notch at night where Mom is but seemed to improve as they got to know her and what she needs.

 

[joe smith]

In an earlier post, I mentioned how my father planned ahead, living independently with some outside support for 15 years, until needing dementia care at the end. The facility he chose had numerous activities available, the idea being to keep people in good shape as long as possible, minimizing the possibilities of nursing care being needed at the end. My wife and I made a deposit to get on the waiting list when we turned 65. No question the hip issue gets a lot of folks, we saw it happen among my dad's peers numerous times.

When we toured the facility before making our deposit, one feature of the independent living quarters my dad had chosen surprised us. The walkway to the main complex for activities was on a hill, and sloped sideways. Wheelchair accessible, but not wheelchair friendly, and a potential problem for any ambulatory person with walking issues. Independent living units constructed later, had a level, covered sidewalk to the main complex, with excellent wheelchair access. When the time comes, we will go with one of the new units, with the goal of minimizing the chances of a debilitating event as a result of navigating the complex.

Sure hope the place is still there....

 

[GetX'd]

This is a very good thread and one that speaks of issues none of us really want to face - either for our parents or for ourselves. My parents both passed now fortunately never had to live the indignant life of a nursing care facility. My father had a huge cerebral hemorrhage one night after their anniversary dinner out. He was in the hospital for about 2 months and passed from pneumonia at 75. He never had dementia his issues were always cardiovascular which run in our family. My mother developed a complex rare disease at 75 - cardio pulmonary hypertension. Remember the whole fen fen thing years ago. It was deadly and still is. Well she motored on being treated at the Mayo in Rochester. Finally they told her their was a only one treatment which was extremely complicated and had to be learned by her and at least one other (my sister). She started to think she didn’t want to go thru that and to maybe just pass. But then the Dr she was seeing came back and indicated their was a worldwide clinical trial med that was beginning but my mother was far to old to qualify - yet the Mayo made an exception and because they came to know her and her character and wanted to help her they let her in - as the oldest person in the world participating in these trials. Well the meds worked and where they originally told her she had less than 2 years - She lived a good quality 12 years longer before finally succumbing at 87. No dementia, sharp as ever. She was an RN for most of her life and even after retiring worked another 20 years at a nursing home caring for those she never wanted to become. Mostly my sister and some from other siblings up there in MN she was able to live out her life in the family home - never needing in home care or to ever have to go to a care facility. Maybe God gave her that as reward for all she did all her life to help the poor, infirm and elderly.

That’s what I pray for myself and for all of us that we’re able to live out our lives at home and when the time comes to go quickly and without pain. My wife was inspired by my mothers vocation and when she immigrated here became an RN and is 20 years younger than I. So it’s my fervent hope that I be allowed the dignity of going straight from one home here to my next home in Heaven without being a burden, and also never from a nursing or care home. I’ve seen plenty of it in my life and want nothing to do with it. For all of you going thru this difficult time with your parents - God Bless and God Speed. And as the old Irish saying goes “May you be in Heaven a half hour before the devil knows you’re dead”.

 

[themechanic]

This is posted at my Mom's nursing home.

 

[padam]

This is posted at my Mom's nursing home.


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People with dimentia sometimes get really paranoid, along with an almost 6th sense for what their loved ones are doing.
My dad would carry around those rule sheets, along with a pocket copy of the US Declaration of Independence and Constitution. Always going on how his rights were being violated, and he was in prison.
It was tough to deal with, knowing that there was no way he could live on his own.

 

[themechanic]

Know your nursing home residents rights.

 

[themechanic]

Useful contacts.

 

[themechanic]

Update to Mom's status.

Mom's health recovered so much we were able to move her to an assisted living apartment last September 2022. My sister and I have been working with the doctor to amend her medications to minimize side affects and drug interactions. Mom uses a walker when she leaves her apartment. She should use it always but doesn't. She has fallen a few times because of it with minor bruising.

The apartments are small, two rooms with a patio and exterior entry/exit which we use to avoid the check-in requirements for visitors. It's expensive since it's a private facility and doesn't accept Medicaid and Mom really can't afford to live there on her $2000/month income. Thanks to Uncle Bill leaving his inheritance to Aunt Connie with instructions to take care of Mom, Connie makes up the difference.

Uncle Bill was a great guy. If there's Mopars in heaven Bill will be doing plenty of burnouts on streets of gold.

 

[VANDAN]

We are doing our best to keep our Moms in their own surroundings also. We just passed a Milestone over Easter weekend, as my Mom turned 100 ! Likewise, my wife's Mom turned 92, on the same day ! Both are doing well, with my Mom needing the most attention at this time, in their own homes...