Aging in the US

[themechanic]

Mom fell and broke her other hip about 5 weeks ago. She's been falling and breaking bones now and then for about 4 years. Until recently Mom was living independently in a small assisted living apartment. She's in a Long Term Care facility now after not recovering in 5 weeks if skilled nursing. She's basically unable to feed herself or drink without help. I'm sitting here watching her slowly dying. Mom's 85 and has dementia which has worsened with each trip to the ER.

We will not be inserting a feeding tube or using any other medical intervention to prolong her life.

Mom has been a devout Christian all her life and is ready to go to heaven.

What I got from watching this and other videos is there's a growing crisis, highlighted by the pandemic, caused by people being treated for diseases and illnesses that help them live longer but by a certain age their quality of life is greatly deminished and there's already a lack of nursing home beds at long term care facilities which will worsen with each coming year.

 

[1967coronet]

Sorry your mother is not getting better.
A prayer for her and you family.

 

[themechanic]

I just saw the lab results from the urine sample taken Friday. Mom has a urinary tract infection (UTI). It's common in the elderly. It's been causing nausea and vomiting since Monday. She should start feeling better after a round of antibiotics but they have to ascertain which microbes to treat which, can take a few days to grow in the lab.

 

[Richard Cranium]

Sorry to hear about your mom. Modern medicines & surgeries keep people alive longer, but when you get to a certain point when you're in what I call "God's waiting room" is not how I want to spend my last years. There's something to be said about how one set of my grandparents went back in the 1970's; they just had heart attacks and died. I saw a segment on the local news the other night of the oldest woman in Massachusetts who just celebrated her 113th birthday. Good for her, but no way in hell do I want to live that long.

 

[Spare Parts]

I understand what you’re going through……..

10 years ago everything was fine with my parents.

Suddenly ,My father had an emergency colon cancer operation. Which he beat.
Followed months later a risky heart surgery which he suffered a stroke during operation. He recovered and had a hernia operation after that.
Another stroke followed,then dementia set in. A fall that resulted in a broken hip. 1 1/2 stay in rest home. Died of pneumonia. He was so scared of dying that it super charged his will to live……..


My mom and I took care of him the best we could.
She had diabetes and severe neuropathy.
A back operation that went wrong.
A stroke that she survived.
I took her in at my home.
She developed a urinary track infection followed by a final stroke.

They both passed at 85.
I did not cry tears of sorrow at their passing.

I cried tears of relief after end of their suffering.

I myself do not fear dying.
I’m terrified of getting caught in the middle of life and death…

I’m grateful for the extra time I got to spend with them both.
I wish your mom the best…….

 

[Hey-O]

In my area there are a ton of independent living, assisted living and long Term Care facility. They've all sprung up in the last 5 to 8 years and are waiting for all of us. I'm sorry to hear about your mother and Mark is right about those last years. Living to be old is a HUGE business now and as my father once told me, these facilities are a holding pen for the dead. We spent 15,000 dollars a month for both my parents to stay in one of those facilities. Theresa's father went to the hospital and died within a week and her mother was 94 and did the same. In this country there are two things that are important to me, educating our kids and taking care of the elderly. We failed on both, at one end, we charge our kids to the point that keeps them in debt till their old while colleges make a fortune and at the end, when many are close to broke in their old age, we throw them to the wolves after we take everything they might have left. It's always about the money, now you know why I talk about it so much. If you don't have it, when the party's over, your ice cream turns to **** and no one cares.

 

[#41]

I just ushered my Dad through 5 years of decline in the system. If he was here to speak, he'd say that he's happy to be done with it all. I feel for you and wish you and your mom the best.

Elder care (and any care in general) is in decline and will be in full-blown crisis mode in a decade or so, and our demographics are in line to get clobbered by it. They will be stringing our lives out as long as possible, but there will be ever more limited money and care resources. Do everything you can now to stay healthy because you will want to be outside of the care system as long as possible.

 

[Hey-O]

I just ushered my Dad through 5 years of decline in the system. If he was here to speak, he'd say that he's happy to be done with it all. I feel for you and wish you and your mom the best.

Elder care (and any care in general) is in decline and will be in full-blown crisis mode in a decade or so, and our demographics are in line to get clobbered by it. They will be stringing our lives out as long as possible, but there will be ever more limited money and care resources. Do everything you can now to stay healthy because you will want to be outside of the care system as long as possible.

Well said!!

 

[Detective D]

The good Lord has a reason people either go or stay. We don't know it.
I am sorry to hear about your Ma. But I am glad to hear she knows there is something better coming.
We are all here for what amounts to nothing when compared to eternity. We all want to live life, hit goals, make this last..... but any suffering will be as the blink of an eye, if that, afterwards and ultimately it is all sort of futile and pointless. Of course, while we are here you can't live that way

The crisis is manufactured by a few people, much like all our other social woes. I won't go into that or this thread will go down the wrong path. Certainly, there should be enough people in the world to care for other people! That only leaves other reasons I will not discuss as to why it can't be that way.

I will say a prayer that you and your Ma find peace. This life is full of both good and bad things. The next life is only full of good, and that is what brings me solace.

 

[Skytrooper]

I am watching my brother go through this. He is 72 and totally disabled from the effects of MS. He was in a skilled care facility but as the MS progressed they could not provide full care for him. He did get a reservation at a full care facility, but the room was not ready (new wing). He got shuffled to another facility in the meantime which was awful. In his words a “ living hell”. He was very anxious to get out of there. Unfortunately, before he could the facility was infected with Covid. He wound up with a bad case that became double pneumonia. On top of that he was suffering from sepsis due to them letting him sit in his own waste. He was taken to a hospital where he was intubated and put into an induced coma. I had no idea of this and the home never contacted me. The hospital only knew his name, but they dug until they came up with my name from legal documents. When he sufficiently recovered the facility he had been waiting on picked him up. They have worked miracles with him in the last 3-4 weeks. I am going to visit him the 16th through the 22nd. He is in Idaho…I am northeast USA.

 

[Don selleck]

so sorry, my mom had dementia also, prayers to you and your family.

 

[68-500]

Sorry about your mother’s health problems. I know it’s hard to watch our family members struggle. I wish her the best life she has to live. Thoughts and prayers.

 

[j-c-c-62]

Man, there but for the Grace of God go I.
The only one positive I can takeaway from these tribulations, those still in good health, should savor fully every single day we wake up, they are precious and there are no guarantees.
You seem to have a very rational understanding of the situation, I commend you.

One aspect few seem to note in these times, its reported of late 50% of one's lifetime medical care is spent in the last two years of life.
I personally believe quality is far more important than quantity, especially near the end.
These are tough choices, just make the best one's that are in your heart.

 

[themechanic]

Thanks for the prayers and well wishes.

I have looked at my own diet and general lack of exercise over the past few years and saw that changes needed to be made. I have always been healthy and could eat anything without getting overweight. That is, until I turned 50. Migraines keep me sidelined several times a week. But I try to be active when I am able.

I used to take for granted simple tasks like going to the bathroom, getting dressed or just standing up from a chair. But after seeing so many old folks in aging communities who need some or total assistance day to day my focus has been on maintaining balance, strength and mobility and flexibility. I have a daughter who is willing and able to care for me when the time comes. So, I try to do what I can to prevent the need or at least make things easier on her and her family should the time come.

I hope this thread shocks the people who have yet to consider their own mortality and future dependence on others into taking steps now to prepare for the inevitable.

I've been talking with my family, including multiple generations, about getting older and the struggles to maintain a happy, independent life. Many of them are already dealing with physical health issues with falling and mobility. At the very least, prepare a Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) and Living Trust to help your family not fall into the dilemma of keeping you alive at any cost. Make sure everyone has a copy and, if you live alone, display them where they are easily observed.

A do not resuscitate (DNR) order is a medical directive that tells doctors not to perform CPR if a patient's heart or breathing stops. A living will is a legal document that outlines a person's wishes for medical care if they become incapacitated and can't make their own decisions.

I know this is a bummer to think about but better to address it now than when you're in it.

 

[Dennis H]

Got the DNR. Mom is 86 and ok for now. Plans, contacts, last arrangements all made. Good to have but does not ease the pain of potential loss.

 

[j-c-c-62]

POA is also a godsend, but can only be given when of sound mind.

 

[68BabyBlue]

In my area there are a ton of independent living, assisted living and long Term Care facility. They've all sprung up in the last 5 to 8 years and are waiting for all of us. I'm sorry to hear about your mother and Mark is right about those last years. Living to be old is a HUGE business now and as my father once told me, these facilities a holding pen for the dead. We spent 15,000 dollars a month for both my parents to stay in one of those facilities. Theresa's father went to the hospital and died within a week and her mother was 94 and did the same. In this country there are two things that are important to me, educating our kids and taking care of the elderly. We failed on both, at one end, we charge our kids to the point that keeps them in debt till their old while colleges make a fortune and at the end, when many are close to broke in their old age, we throw them to the wolves after we take everything they might have left. It's always about the money, now you know why I talk about it so much. If you don't have it, when the party's over, your ice cream turns to **** and no one cares.

Sad but true, your assessment of the education cost, and elder care. I have been blessed, that both my dad, and my spouse rode the college gravy train, working for Penn State. Nearly free tuition for me, and later my daughter, plus gold plated retiree health care for my parents, and now me and my wife. One of the key reasons I left my corporate lawyer job was my daughter reaching college age, and wanting her to graduate with no debt, which she did, with my wife's family discount.

I've posted earlier about plans I've made for long term care. One big reason I worked full time until I was 69 was to make sure I wouldn't come up short. My daughter and her husband know our plans. My son in law asked me about the numbers, and when I told him the cost, he was in a slight state of shock, but incredibly relieved he won't have to deal with me. His parents have made no plans, and it won't end well.

My dad stayed 12 years at one of the two facilities where I'm on the list, finally needing three years of long term care at the end. At the age of 80, he was able to enter an independent living apartment, with no waiting period. My wife and I have been on the wait list there for five years, with no present availability of a unit. Our first choice facility has a 10 year wait after initial deposit. Costs will consume about half our estate, but we consider that much better than ending up destitute, at the mercy of the public sector. Nobody wants to hear this stuff, but the odds are about one in three that you'll end up needing significant care at the end.

 

[themechanic]

POA is also a godsend, but can only be given when of sound mind.

Right. We got one for Mom about 5 years ago. If you wait until dementia takes over you have to have a medical doctor and court get involved in declaring them incompetent or whatever it's called.

 

[Hey-O]

Sad but true, your assessment of the education cost, and elder care. I have been blessed, that both my dad, and my spouse rode the college gravy train, working for Penn State. Nearly free tuition for me, and later my daughter, plus gold plated retiree health care for my parents, and now me and my wife. One of the key reasons I left my corporate lawyer job was my daughter reaching college age, and wanting her to graduate with no debt, which she did, with my wife's family discount.

I've posted earlier about plans I've made for long term care. One big reason I worked full time until I was 69 was to make sure I wouldn't come up short. My daughter and her husband know our plans. My son in law asked me about the numbers, and when I told him the cost, he was in a slight state of shock, but incredibly relieved he won't have to deal with me. His parents have made no plans, and it won't end well.

My dad stayed 12 years at one of the two facilities where I'm on the list. At the age of 80, he was able to enter an independent living apartment, with no waiting period. My wife and I have been on the wait list there for five years, with no present availability of a unit. Our first choice facility has a 10 year wait after initial deposit. Costs will consume about half our estate, but we consider that much better than ending up destitute, at the mercy of the public sector. Nobody want to hear this stuff, but the odds are about one in three that you'll end up needing significant care at the end.

It doesn't matter how you do it as long as you do it!! It's called a plan and you my friend, are nobodies fool. I've had people tell me they're willing to play the game and take a chance on the odds. Casino's are built on losser, not winners. Good for you!! ..... Ulli

 

[themechanic]

Here's a very helpful video for help with common mobility issues we all face as time marches on. The speaker has a huge selection of free video advice on his YouTube channel.