Ironbuilts' Jokes

[Ironbuilt]

The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.

Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.

When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."

"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Billy and Sally are to 5 year old friends that live next door to each other. I say friends but Billy is often upset with Sally because Sally seems to have more, and is better at more stuff so Billy is often jealous of Sally.

Sally can run faster and jump higher than poor young Billy can When Billy takes out his toys to play, Sally brings out hers and as well all of her older brothers toys as well.

This began to really bother poor Billy, but one day when taking a leak beside a bush he had a stunning realization and ran all the way to Sally's and knocked on her door.

Billy was so excited because he finally new he had Sally beat.

Sally answered the door and very proudly Billy dropped his drawers and pointed at his wee wee and said "Look at what I have that you don't"

Sally looked confused at first but quickly took away the wind in Billy's sails by lifting her skirt and saying "but my mom says with one of these, that I can have as many of those as i want"

 

[Ironbuilt]

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one ******* punch.

 

[Ironbuilt]

Paddy gets arrested for beating his wife.
The Judge asks "why do you keep beating her?".
Paddy says "I think its my weight advantage,longer reach & superior footwork!".

 

[Ironbuilt]

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering.
98 of them said, "How the **** did you get in here?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

My wife being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big ******* red mark on her forehead

 

[Ironbuilt]

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

 

[Ironbuilt]

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it ******* start?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn- looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."
The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."
"Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"
"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."
"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket.
That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.
And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...

 

[Ironbuilt]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.

 

[Ironbuilt]

Friendship Among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. Not one of them knew anything about it.




Friendship Among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

 

[Ironbuilt]

A Greek and an Italian were drinking coffee one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you: that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate."

The preacher said, "No ****?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sat at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?" "Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!."

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer. Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat.

"So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. She pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave !!! She had a great BIG dick!!!

Dave, I CAN'T SWIM!!!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

 

[Ironbuilt]

This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Montana Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the United States Forest Service.

Hard to argue with this cowboy logic.

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Montana ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What the Sierra Club proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again, and the population would be controlled d. All of the ranchers mulled over this 'amazing' idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, tipped his hat back, and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't screwin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum".

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it"?

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does".

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper".

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie".

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story", replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck'.

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel'.

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS"?

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed".

 

[Ironbuilt]

An elderly gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors.

The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here... you want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"

The heads of all the patients in the waiting room snapped around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation... and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"