Ironbuilts' Jokes

[Ironbuilt]

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."

 

[Ironbuilt]

When is it okay to beat up a dwarf? When he's standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man goes to church and tells the priest "Father, I almost cheated on my wife."

The priest asks him "How do you almost cheat on your wife?"

The man says "Well, me and the woman were naked but we just rubbed against each other."

The priest looks at him disgusted and says "Rubbing is the same as putting it in. Never do it again, say five Hail Mary's and put $100 in the donation pan."

The next time the priest sees the man he is infuriates "You didn't put $100 in the pan!"

The man looks at the priest disgusted and says "I rubbed the money against the pan, and rubbing is the same as putting it in."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Tom's wife has been in a coma for months. Her attendants have noticed that every time they wash her crotch she moves a little bit. Desperate, they ask Tom if he would perform oral sex on his wife in an attempt to wake her up. Tom agrees and asks for some privacy in the room. Soon after, he rushes out in a panic and says, "I think she's choking!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male."

They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want HIV."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A blonde, a brunette, and a red headed mother are talking about their daughters. The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes!"

The red head said "I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room. I couldn't believe it!"

The blonde says "That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a penis!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

This is the story of how earrings became so popular for men:

John looked over at his coworker Tom. He noticed that he had an earring on one of his ears. Tom was usually a pretty conservative guy so John is curious. He approached Tom and asked him, "If you don't mind me asking, what's with the earring?"

Tom replied, "Don't worry about it, it's just an earring."

John let it go for a few minutes but then his curiosity peaked again, "So how long have you been wearing an earring?"

Tom replied, "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A 90-year-old man goes to the doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he is and he replies, "Great, I'm 90 years old, I have an 20 year old bride, and she's pregnant with my child."

The doctor looks at him for a second, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a man who loved to hunt. One day he went out and was in such a hurry he grabbed an umbrella instead of a gun. As soon as he got out there a bear jumped out of the woods at him. He grabbed his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. You know what happened next?"

The old man, dumbfounded, replies, "No, what?"

"The bear dropped dead right there!"

The old man protests, "Someone else must have shot the bear!"

The doctor nods, "Exactly."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man goes to a jewelry store with his girlfriend looking for a wedding ring on Friday. He tells the jeweler, "I need a very special ring for my girlfriend."

The jeweler looks around for a bit and finds a $5,000 ring, "This is a very nice one."

The man yells at the jeweler, "This isn't nearly expensive enough! Get me a better one!"

The jeweler scrambles and finds a $40,000 ring, "How about this one sir?"

The man replies, "That's more like it! I'll write you a check right now. But I know you want to verify I have the funds so I'll pick it up Monday afternoon after you check."

On Monday the jeweler calls the man, "Sir, you don't have nearly enough money in your bank account."

The man replies, "I know, but let me tell you about my weekend!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man goes to a Japan on business and hires a prostitute for the night. He doesn't speak any Japanese and she barely speaks any English. While they are going at it she yells out, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Knowing that she has been satisfied he goes to bed.

The next day he plays golf and one of his associates gets a hole in one. Everyone goes crazy, so to enjoy in the excitement he yells, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Everybody goes silent and one of his Japanese associates says, "What do you mean wrong hole?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Kyle runs into his house one day and immediately confronts his dad, "Dad! I heard these kids at school talking about how awesome a vagina is. What is a vagina, what does it look like?"

The father answers "Well son, before you use it it looks like a beautiful flower."

Kyle asks "What about after you use it?"

The father smiles and asks "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Mom was cleaning Junior's room one day and she found a bondage magazine under his bed.

This made her very upset. She put it back under his bed until his father got home and showed him.

He gave it a look and handed it right back to her without a word, so she asked him, 'What should we do about this?'

Dad paused and said, 'Well I don't think you should spank him.'

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man and a woman, who are both married to other people, find themselves forced to share a hotel room for a night. They feel weird at first, but they both fall asleep in their separate beds.

After a few hours of sleeping, the man wakes the woman up and asks her, "Could you grab me another blanket from the closet? I'm really cold."

The woman responds, "Or we could just pretend to be married for the night?"

The man replies, "That would be amazing."

The woman smiles and says, "Okay. Get your own ******* blanket!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Trevor has a dance coming up and he wants to ask out Sally. He would do anything to go with her and he knows she doesn't have a date. The only problem is that whenever he sees her he gets an extremely large boner. Before he asks her, he practices not getting a boner but nothing works. So he decides to just call her so he doesn't risk a boner. So he calls her and stutters through the words, but she thinks it is cute so she accepts.

At this point he realizes he didn't find a solution to the problem he just put it off. But then he has a great idea! He ties his penis to his leg to conceal the boner. On the day of the dance he heads over to her house and knocks on the door. She answers the door and he kicks her in the face.

 

[Ironbuilt]

A guy is going down on his girlfriend and says, "Man you have a big pussy! Man you have a big pussy!"

She snaps back, "Why'd you say it twice?"

He replies, "I didn't..."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11."

The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?"

The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A kid is doing his science homework and he asks his father, "What is the difference between theory and reality?"

The father replies, "Well... Go ask your sister if she would have sex with the neighbor for $1,000,000."

He goes and does it and comes back, "She said she would."

The father says, "Now go ask your mother."

He goes and does it and comes back, "She said she would too."

To this the father says, "See, in theory we are sitting on $2,000,000. But in reality we just live with a couple of whores."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man goes to a liquor store and buys some expensive beer. While heading home he stops at a gas station to get some gas. A smoking hot blonde pulls up next to him and sees that he has expensive beer. Sensually, she asks him "I'm always up for a good trade. How about sex for beer?"

He replies "What kind of beer do you have?"