Ironbuilts' Jokes

[Ironbuilt]

A man is getting a hotel room and he accidentally rubs his elbow against a woman's breasts. He tells her, "If your heart is a soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, come to room 434."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Three prostitutes walk into a bar. The first one holds up four fingers, "I can take this inside of me!"

The second one holds up a fist, "I can take all of this."

The last prostitute, with a smile, slowly slides down the stool.

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man walks into an elevator with a woman and asks her, "Can I smell your vagina?"

The woman yells at him, "No!"

He replies, "Oh, must be your feet then."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Tyler and Chandler are stranded on a island together for a few weeks. Tyler is getting ***** so he decides he wants to have sex with Chandler. But no matter what Chandler won't have sex with him.

One day a very attractive woman is seen in the distance drowning and Tyler saves her. She tells him "Oh my god, you saved my life! I will do whatever you want."

Tyler thinks and points at Chandler "Can you help me catch that guy?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man invents a machine that slaps anybody who lies. He tries it out on his family at dinner. He asks his son, "Why were you so late last night getting home?"

The son replies, "I was just studying at the library." SLAP! "Fine, I was at John's house watching TV." SLAP! "Fine, ****!"

His father looks at him disgusted, "At your age I didn't even know what **** was." SLAP!

The man's wife begins to laugh, "He's definitely your son." SLAP!

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man is sitting next to a woman and her baby. The woman begins to breastfeed, but her baby won't take it. So she tells the baby, "If you don't drink it the nice man is going to have to take it."

Five minutes later she tries again and the baby still won't take it. So she tells her, "Come on, I'm going to give it to this nice man."

Another five minutes goes by and the baby still won't take it. The anxious man blurts out "Come on kid, make up your mind! I was supposed to get off 5 stops ago!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A woman wakes up in the middle of the night to find her husband is not in bed. She goes down stairs and finds him in the kitchen sipping coffee. She asks him, "What's wrong?"

He replies, "Exactly twenty years ago we conceived our first child."

His wife starts to cry, "I can't believe you remember that."

He continues, "Yeah. You were 15 and I was 18, your dad caught us and put his shotgun against my back. He told me, 'If you don't marry her, you will rot in jail for twenty years,'" with this a tear goes down his face, "I would have gotten out today."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man sitting behind a woman on the bus taps her on the shoulder, "Ma'am, I believe you have semen on the back of your jacket."

She replies, "I'm sure it's not semen. It must be yogurt or something."

He says, "I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A blonde, brunette, and red head all work at the same office. Their boss, who is also female, leaves the office everyday early. So one day the brunette tells the other two, "The boss leaves early everyday, we should take off early."

They all leave the office early. The brunette goes to the movies, the red head goes to the bar, and the brunette heads home to her husband. When she gets there she discovers that her boss is at her house making love to her husband. She parks in the street and waits for her boss to leave.

The next day they are all talking and the brunette says, "That was so much fun! We should do it again."

The blonde replies, "No way! I almost got caught."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man walks into the bank and walks up to the teller. She asks him "Can I help you sir?"

The man replies "Yeah, I want to open up a ******* bank account."

She tells him "Sir, we don't tolerate that sort of language here." She then gets the manager, who agrees that she should not put up with the man's language.

The manager approaches the man and asks "Sir, do we have an issue here?"

The man replies "No! I just want to put this motherfucking 100 million dollars I won in the ******* lottery into a bank account."

"Oh," says the manager, "was this bitch giving you trouble, sir?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Two guys are at the bar together talking about their wives. The first guy says "Every night I stay out late I go home and I come in as quietly as I can. Then I get into bed as gently as I can and my wife still wakes up to yell at me!"

His friend replies "You're going about it all wrong. When I stay out late I go home and make as much noise as I want. Then I get into bed, feel my wife's body, and ask her if she wants to get busy... She's always fast asleep."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man's wife comes up to him and tells him, "Take off my shirt." So he does.

She then tells him, "Take off my skirt and high heels." So he does.

Then she tells him, "Take off my bra and underwear." So he does.

Finally she tells him, "I better never find you wearing my clothes again."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Three girls go into the doctors office. The first takes off her shirt and the doctor notices that she has a blue 'Y' on her chest. He asks "How did you get that?"

She answers "Well my boyfriend goes to Yale and he leaves his Yale sweatshirt on even when we make love."

The next girl comes in and has a red 'H' on her chest. She explains "Well my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he leaves his sweatshirt on even when we make love."

The final girl comes in and has a 'W' on her chest. The doctor asks "Let me guess, you have a boyfriend that goes to Wisconsin?"

She answers "No, a girlfriend at Michigan. Why?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A blonde girl comes home from school one day and tells her mom "We were learning our numbers today and everyone else could only count to 5, I could count to 10. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

Her mom tells her "Great job honey!"

The girl asks her mom "Is it because I'm blonde?" Her mom tells her it is.

The next day the blonde girl comes home from school and tells her mom "We were learning our alphabets today and everyone else could only get to E, I got to J. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J!"

Her mom tells her "Great job honey!"

The girl asks her mom "Is it because I'm blonde?" Her mom tells her it is.

The blonde girl comes home from school the next day and tells her mom "Today we were in the showers after gym class and all of the other girls were flat chested, and I have these!" The girl lifts her shirt revealing very large breasts.

Her mom tells her "Um... Great job honey."

The girl asks her mom "Is it because I'm blonde?" Her mom replies "No dear, it's because you're 25."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A guy is getting busy with a call girl and he finds a piece of corn. He gags a little bit but gets over it and continues going down on her. But he later finds a chunk of carrot and says "I'm going to be sick."

The prostitute looks at him and says "Huh, that's what the last guy said!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Two trees are next to each other in the forest, a birch and a beech. A sapling sprouts up between them but they don't know whose it is.

A woodpecker shows up and lands on the sapling. The trees ask him, "We can't tell whose sapling that is. Is it a son of a birch or son of a beech?"

The woodpecker says, "It's neither, but it is the best piece of ash I've ever put my pecker in."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A girl hears about her grandfather dying so she goes to visit her grandmother. When she gets to her grandma's house she asks her what had happened. Her grandma replies "We were making love on a Sunday morning and he had a heart attack."

The girl is shocked, "Grandma, at your age sex is probably never a good idea."

Her grandmother replies "Don't worry dear. Your grandfather and I figured out a safe way. Every Sunday we would make love to the sound of the church bells, they were the perfect rhythm. If it wasn't for the ice cream truck, he would still be alive."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A 54-year-old man feels guilty about cheating on his wife so he leaves her a note, "I've been sleeping with a girl 1/3 my age."

The woman finds his note and leaves him one of her own: "I know you've been sleeping with an 18-year-old, but so have I. Since you like math so much, 18 goes into 54 a lot more than 54 goes into 18."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Thomas was out of work with the flu for a couple of weeks. When he gets back to work his friend Joe asks him, "Hey, are you doing okay?"

Thomas replies, "It was the best!"

Joe replies, "What? Weren't you sick?"

"My wife truly loves me," Thomas explains,"Every time a delivery guy or the mailman came to the door she would run to the door yelling, 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man and woman are sitting next to each other on a train. The woman sneezes, shudders violently, then wipes her nose. The man takes notice but doesn't say anything because he doesn't want to be rude.

Five minutes later she sneezes again, violently shudders, and wipes her nose. The man becomes curious and asks her, "I couldn't help but notice every time you sneeze you shudder violently."

She replies, "Yeah, I have a rare disease. Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

He blushes, "Oh, do you take anything for it?"

She shakes her head, "Yeah, pepper."