Ironbuilts' Jokes

[Ironbuilt]

One morning a husband and wife are having sex and the wife says 'the Viagra is great! let me fix us a wholesome breakfast.' The husband says 'No, I'm not hungry after I take Viagra.'

Later that day, the wife says 'Honey, I want to do something nice for you, let me make you a big lunch.' The husband refuses once again, 'The Viagra just takes away all of my hunger.'

A long time after dinner she asks 'Are you hungry yet? I'll make you a steak dinner'. The husband continues to say he isn't hungry, 'The Viagra just kills my appetite.' But the wife firmly says 'I don't care. I'm getting something to eat, so get off of me!'

 

[Ironbuilt]

Last night I went to a bar and picked up a girl. We went to her place and things started to get hot and heavy. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it. But then we heard somebody at the front door, "Oh ****, it's my boyfriend. You have to use the backdoor, hurry."

I thought I should probably leave at this point, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.

 

[Ironbuilt]

A blonde and a brunette decide to rob a bank. When they show up at the bank they go over the instructions one last time. The brunette tells the blonde, "Remember, in and out in five minutes." With this the blonde runs into the bank.

The brunette waits and waits and waits in the van. Finally, the blonde bursts out of the door dragging a giant safe by a rope. The security guard chases her out of the bank with his pants around his ankles trying to grab his gun. The blonde ties the safe to the van, gets in the van, and they speed away.

As they drive away, dragging the safe, the brunette is furious. She yells at the blonde, "Dumb ***! You were supposed to tie up the guard and blow the safe!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man gets arrested in a nightclub for having drugs. He tells the officer "There not mine, I found them. I tried to get rid of them, but every time I flush them down the toilet they reappear in my pocket."

Obviously the officer doesn't believe him but the man tells him "I can prove it!"

So they go into the bathroom and the man flushes the drugs. The officer smiles and says "Now take the drugs out of your pocket smart ***."

The man smiles and says "What drugs?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

After twenty years of marriage a man and his wife go to the hotel they celebrated their first night of marriage in. The wife strips her clothes off and asks, "What did you think when you saw me naked for the first time?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to **** you stupid and suck those ******* dry."

She smiles and asks him, "What do you think now?"

He replies, "I think I did a pretty damn good job."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A kid comes home from school and tells his dad, "You have to go see my Math teacher."

His father asks why and the kid replies, "Well he asked me what 7 * 4 was and I said '28'. Then he asked what 4 * 7 was and I said, 'What's the ******* difference.'"

His father replies, "Indeed, what is the difference? Okay, I'll go."

The next day the boy comes home and asks, "Did you go to my school yet?"

The father replies, "Nope."

The boy says, "Well you have to see my Gym teacher too. Today I was in class and he told us to stand on our right leg for ten minutes. Then he told us to do the same with our left leg. So I asked him, 'Want me to stand on my cock next?'"

The dad replies, "Exactly, did he? I'll go soon."

The following day the boy comes home from school and says, "Don't bother going to my school. I got expelled."

His dad asks, "Why were you expelled?"

He replies, "Well they called me into the office and waiting for me was the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the science teacher."

"What the **** was the science teacher there for?" His dad asked.

"That's what I said!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man and his wife have been having some problems in bed so one day the woman tells her husband, "Maybe you should get some pills to help you out." He agrees.

When he gets home from work she asks him if he got the pills. He replies, "Yeah, here you go," and with this he throws her a bottle of diet pills.

 

[Ironbuilt]

A small man goes to jail. His first day in the showers a very large man approaches him and asks him, "With or without spit?"

The small man knows it will happen no matter what he says or does, replies meekly, "With spit."

The large man shouts to another inmate, "Hey spit! This dude wants a threesome!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A guy goes to a whorehouse and when the prostitute sees his 20-inch penis she nearly faints. She tells him, "I'll touch it, lick it, and suck it; but I'm not putting it in me."

The guy walks over to the table and takes back his money saying, "No thanks, I can do all of that myself."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man goes to a restaurant where he sees a sign on the wall that says: "If we can't fill your order, we'll give you $500."

So when the waitress comes to his table he orders, "I'll have rye toast with elephant dung."

The waitress writes down his order and calmly walks to the kitchen. About ten minutes later the manager storms out of the kitchen and lays out $500 on the man's table. Angry, the manager says, "Are you happy? This is the first time in ten years we haven't had rye bread!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man, his wife, and his son all go to a nude beach. Naturally, the young son has lots of questions. He runs to his father, "Dad! Dad! All of the women have these things hanging from their chests!"

His father tells him, "Son, those are breasts. The women with large ones are dumb and the small ones are smart."

Soon after the son comes running again, "Mom! Mom! All of the guys have these things dangling between their legs!"

The mom replies, "Those are called penis'. The men with the big ones are dumb and the men with small ones are smart."

A little bit later the son runs up to his mom and asks her, "Mom! Mom! Is being dumb contagious? Dad is talking to a really dumb lady and he keeps getting dumber and dumber."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with our electrician. Last week I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says, "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. This week I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. Yesterday I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A blonde woman brings a letter to the Post Office. The man examines the letter and says it will be $500, surprised she exclaims, "I don't have that much money... I'll do ANYTHING to contact my mother."

He has the blonde follow him into a back room. He unzips his pants and takes out his penis. She gets on her knees and brings it to her mouth and says, "Hello? Mom?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man is walking home from work one day and in a dark alley is approached by a prostitute. She tells him, "Twenty dollars."

He had never been with a prostitute before but it was only twenty dollars. They start going at it in the alley when a couple of police come up with their flashlights and ask, "What are you doing? Are you aware prostitution is illegal?"

The man enraged yells, "This is my wife!"

The police officer replies, "Oh, I'm sorry sir. I had no idea."

The man replies, "Neither did I until you put the light in her face."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man is checking into a hotel with his family and whispers to the clerk, "I hope the **** channels are disabled."

The clerk whispered back, "Nope, it's just regular **** you sick bastard."

 

[Ironbuilt]

An American guy goes to Europe to get laid. He takes a girl from the club back to his hotel room. After the first round he asks her, "You finish?" She shakes her no.

They go for a second time and again he asks her, "You finish?" But again she shakes her head.

They do it a third time and he is exhausted at this point. He asks her, "You finish?"

She replies, "No, I'm Norwegian."

 

[BB BELLA]

A chic with a new boyfriend is at his place for dinner for the first time. they sit down at the table and she realizes she has really bad gas and being very uncomfortable she squeeks out a tiny fart! the guy yells "rusty". she says what was that,he explains the dog is under the table! she's thrilled he thinks the dog farted so she lets out a little bigger one,again he yells "rusty get out of there". she's starting to feel a little relief and thinks if I can just let one more I'll get through this dinner! she lets out another pretty good fart! this time he yells "Rusty get out of there before she shits all over you!

 

[Roger63]

Paul when do find time to haul any freight?

 

[Ironbuilt]

Paul when do find time to haul any freight?

As bad as freights been the past 2 months, I have to tell jokes to keep from crying.

 

[Roger63]

As bad as freights been the past 2 months, I have to tell jokes to keep from crying.

Well it could be worse, I got loads stacking up while I'm waiting on my motor to get built. I'm spending another 30k with nothing coming in. But as a wiseass trucker once said "that's truckin"