Ironbuilts' Jokes

[Ironbuilt]

A blonde calls her mom... Blonde: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!" Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?" Blonde: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

 

[Ironbuilt]

As a couple gets into bed, the husband starts to rub and kiss his wife. She turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey. I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, and I want to stay fresh." The husband sadly turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment, too?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Came out the gym the other day and cop asked me how I got that body. I said, "I don't know officer, I just opened the trunk and there she was"

 

[Ironbuilt]

“Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business and one of the hookers said, "Yep, it's gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air." The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, no. I just burped.”

 

[Ironbuilt]

“A couple were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties, and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he was finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself, did you?" And his wife replied, "No, no. I'll be okay once I can get this old doorknob out of my ***."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by Saint Peter. “In order to get in," he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays."


The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope." Impressed, Peter lets him in.



The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells." He’s allowed in too.

“So," Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?"

The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.

“What do these have to do with Christmas?" asks Peter.

“They’re Carol’s."

 

[Ironbuilt]

It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said: ‘Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?’

‘No, madam,’ he replied, ‘They’re all dead"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A woman is in labour, shouting and screaming as usual. She says to the doctors " ... get this out of me, give me drugs!"

She turns to her boyfriend and says " You did this to me you ******..."

He replies casually, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your *** but you said '**** off it'll be too painful', Now who's laughing...

 

[Ironbuilt]

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained to her, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said "You're not ******* listening!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar: Cheeseburger, $2.50; Chicken Sandwich, $3.50; Handjob, $10.

Checking his wallet for cash, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to a group of men.

“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile. “May I help you?”

“I was wondering,” whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the handjobs?”

“Yes,” she purrs, “I am.”

The man replies, “Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

 

[Ironbuilt]

Guy goes to the doctor with a totally orange penis. Doctor looks at him, pokes, prods; he’s mystified. He asks the guy, “Any itching?”

“No.”

“Used any weird lotions or creams?”

“No.”

“Any problems urinating?”

“No, everything’s pretty much fine except for the color.”

“Is this recent?”

“Oh, the last few weeks, since I got a new job.”

“Anything different about your routine since the new job?”

“Well, I don’t know anyone in the area very well, so every night’s pretty much the same thing: come home, eat some dinner, then I sit down with a bag of Cheetos and watch some ****.”

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Sarah was sitting in the car with her mother when suddenly a huge dildo flew right onto the windshield.
Little Sarah: “What was that?”
Mother: “Uhm… a really big insect.”
Little Sarah: “Damn, it had a really big dick!”

 

[Ironbuilt]

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I just love the part where she takes her ring off amd walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off!

 

[Brandy]

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained to her, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said "You're not ******* listening!"

Hmm, not getting this one...

 

[5.7 hemi]

She’s already a “pig”.

 

[Brandy]

Ahhh......lol.

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his dick.
An ugly woman is passing and remarks “If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady.”
He replies “If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!”

 

[Ironbuilt]

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.”
Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”

 

[Ironbuilt]

Boy in the bath with his mum.
Boy says, “Whats that hairy thing mum?”
Mum replies, “That is my sponge.”
“Oh yes,” says the boy, “The babysitters got one, I’ve seen her washing dads face with it.”