Ironbuilts' Jokes

[Ironbuilt]

A deaf man enters a pharmacy to buy condoms and tries to explain what he wants with sign language. The pharmacist doesn’t understand anything so the deaf man puts forth his penis and 50 dollars. The pharmacist then also pulls out his penis, takes the 50 dollars and puts them in his pocket. The deaf man gets all read in his face and starts to waive violently at the pharmacist who says:
– “If you cannot stand loosing, you should not make a bet!”

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Q: What is 6.9?

A: A really great thing ruined by a period.

 

[Ironbuilt]

Q: What did one of the blonde's legs say to the other one?

A: "Between you and me, we could make a lot of money."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

 

[Ironbuilt]

A boy says to a girl, "So, sex at my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayo all over my bed!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

 

[Car Nut]

 

[Ironbuilt]

“A daughter asked her mother, "Mom, how do you spell 'scrotum'?" Her mom replied, "Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue.”

 

[Ironbuilt]

“An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist." "I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.”

 

[Ironbuilt]

“A couple were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!" He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties, and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When he was finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself, did you?" And his wife replied, "No, no. I'll be okay once I can get this old doorknob out of my ***."

 

[Ironbuilt]

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "Seniors" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, "notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks up from her knitting and gives him a once over before saying, "Nope."

Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.

Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?"

Bessie sighs, folds her knitting across her lap and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Ray yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"

To which Bessie replies with a cat-like grin, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Ya shoulda bought a "hat".

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier in there standing at attention?"

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags headed home for retirement."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
"Do you know what your *** hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably elk hunting with his buddies."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A deaf man enters a pharmacy to buy condoms and tries to explain what he wants with sign language. The pharmacist doesn’t understand anything so the deaf man puts forth his penis and 50 dollars. The pharmacist then also pulls out his penis, takes the 50 dollars and puts them in his pocket. The deaf man gets all read in his face and starts to waive violently at the pharmacist who says:
– “If you cannot stand loosing, you should not make a bet!”

 

[Ironbuilt]

Little Sarah was sitting in the car with her mother when suddenly a huge dildo flew right onto the windshield.
Little Sarah: “What was that?”
Mother: “Uhm… a really big insect.”
Little Sarah: “Damn, it had a really big dick!”

 

[Ironbuilt]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck shot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your brother a a plast ic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony....He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye" .

 

[Ironbuilt]

The teacher announces, "The topic of the day is describe your mother to me as a bird, and tell me why".

She leaves the kiddies for a short while and then asks them their answers.

Kelly at the front goes first, "My Mummy's like a swan, because she's pretty and elegant".

"Thank you, Kelly", says teacher, and she continues going around the class.

Bobby says, "My Mummy's like a stork, cos she has babies and babies, and I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters".

"Thank you Bobby", says the teacher, and continues with the other students.

Finally there is no one left but Little Johnny, so the teacher finally asks him, "Johnny, what bird most resembles your mother"?

Little Johnny pipes up with, "A thrush"!

The teacher, thinking she may finally have a decent answer asks, "Why is that"?

Little Johnny replies, "Because she's an irritating cunt".