Random Joke Thread...

[Car Nut]

A senior citizen was driving down the freeway when his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Charlie, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Charlie, It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

 

[Car Nut]

A 1969 Blue Roadrunner driving near an Indian reservation when he happened upon an old Indian Chief laying on the ground in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the road.

The driver asked the old tribesman what he was doing.

The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model Four door sedan, traveling at 65 m.p.h."

"That's amazing" exclaimed the driver "You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground?"

"No," said the old tribesman. "They just ran me over five minutes ago!"

 

[Car Nut]

Donald Trump and Hillary go into a bakery while on the campaign trail , As soon as they enter , Hillary quickly grabs 3 pastries and puts them in her pocket .
She say's to Donald , see how clever I am , the owner didn't see anything , and I don't even have to lie . I will surely win this election .
Then Donald say's to Hillary , " That's the same dishonesty , trickery and deceit you've displayed your whole life "
Donald say's , watch this , I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result's .
Donald then say's to the bakery's owner , " Give me a pastry and I'll show you a magic trick "
Curious , the owner handed him a pastry , and Donald ate it .
Then Donald asks for another one , the owner hands him another , he eats the 2nd one .
Then Donald ask for another one , the owner hesitates for a second , then hands him another one , Donald eats it as well .
The owner , starting to wonder where the trick is , ask Donald , so where did the pastries go ?
Donald say's , " Look in Hillary's pocket "

 

[Car Nut]

These are my pet fish
A man was stopped by a game warden in Ontario recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man:
"Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden:
"No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while.
I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take them home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said:
"Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.

The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said:
"Well?"

"Well, what?" the man asked.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" the man asked.

 

[Car Nut]

 

[Car Nut]

 

[Car Nut]

 

[Car Nut]

 

[winki]

3 husbands sitting together, drinking beer and talking about like they making her wifes going wild....the first say "well, if she is cleaning the windows i come from behind, lay my arms arround her and twirl her nipples....this makes her going wild!"...."ooookayyy"...sayd the second...." if my Wife is bringin the Dinner...i'm lurking ander the table, wait till she is arryving them and if she is standing and taking the Dinner at the table....i grab her legs and and licking her pussy ...this makes her going wild!!!"...."mmmh" say the last one.. ."normaly i take my wife at the the bett, **** her a little bit ....but before i come ....i pull my dick out from her pussy, go to the windows and spray all my juice at the new net through curtains....this makes her going wild.....

 

[Car Nut]

 

[kiwigtx]

3 husbands sitting together, drinking beer and talking about like they making her wifes going wild....the first say "well, if she is cleaning the windows i come from behind, lay my arms arround her and twirl her nipples....this makes her going wild!"...."ooookayyy"...sayd the second...." if my Wife is bringin the Dinner...i'm lurking ander the table, wait till she is arryving them and if she is standing and taking the Dinner at the table....i grab her legs and and licking her pussy ...this makes her going wild!!!"...."mmmh" say the last one.. ."normaly i take my wife at the the bett, **** her a little bit ....but before i come ....i pull my dick out from her pussy, go to the windows and spray all my juice at the new net through curtains....this makes her going wild.....

I like that one....reminds me of a picture published in British newspapers back in around 1990-91 of Prince Charles looking forlornly out the window of his favourite French Chateau. Apparently he was deep in thought....but I reckon he was wiping his cock on the curtains.

 

[kiwigtx]

I was walking down at the beach last week when I saw a Muslim man struggling to stay afloat in the water - he was thrashing around and waving his arms all over the place......I immediately contacted the emergency services.
I only hope that I haven't wasted a postage stamp.

 

[kiwigtx]

Q. Why don't you ever see black people on Cruise ships?


A. They ain't falling for that one again.

 

[Car Nut]

 

[Car Nut]

 

[69BBody]

A guy walks into a bar with a duffel bag under his arm...

... pulls up a stool, sets the bag on the bar and orders a beer. While the bartender is serving him his drink, he notices that the bag is moving. So, he asks "Hey, buddy. What's in the bag?". The guy unzips the duffel bag, reaches in and pulls out a miniature grand piano. He sets it on the bar, reaches in again and pulls out a tiny piano bench which he sets in front of the piano. Finally, he puts his hand into the bag and lifts out a one foot tall man wearing a tuxedo. The patron sets him on the bar, where he sits down on the bench, cracks his knuckles and starts to play a beautiful sonata. The bartender stares in amazement, then says "That's incredible! Where did you get it?". The patron just shrugs, reaches into the bag again and pulls out an ancient Middle Eastern oil lamp. The bartender says "What?!? There's a genie in there or something?". The guy smiles and says "Give it a try.". The bartender grabs a towel and starts to rub the lamp. Within a few seconds, a huge genie materializes and says "Thank you! For releasing me from the lamp, I shall grant you one wish." The bartender looks at the patron and asks "Seriously? Can I?", and the guy says "Be my guest." The bartender thinks for a minute then says "I wish I had a million bucks!". The genie says "Your wish is granted!", nods and disappears in a cloud of smoke. Several minutes pass before the duffel bag starts moving. Suddenly, a duck hops out, waddles across the bar and flies out the door. A few more seconds pass, and another duck hops out and waddles off too. Then another... and another. Duck after duck emerge from the bag. The bartender stands there watching in complete confusion, until it hits him. He says "Hey buddy, I think your genie is a little hard of hearing. I said I wanted a million bucks... not a million DUCKS!". The guy just shakes his head and says "No kidding! You think I asked for a twelve inch PIANIST?"

 

[beanhead]

Three guys are in a bar drinking and getting very brave, and they talk themselves into going skydiving. So, the next day they meet at the airport. They find their instructor is a brash former drill sergeant, and quite intimidating, but they go ahead with their plan despite the instructor's attempts to scare them off. Once in the air and over the jump zone, they start cower and chicken out..the instructor yells at them "YOU PANSIES BETTER JUMP OR I SWEAR I'LL BEAT YOUR BRAINS IN AND SCATTER YOU OVER THAT FIELD DOWN THERE!!" Terrified, the first guy jumps and they watch him float back to earth. The second guy jumps out the door and the last man sees his 'chute open moments later. As his turn approaches he starts crying and the instructor shouts "JUMP YOUR *** OUT THERE OR I'LL RAM MY JOHNSON IN IT!!"
That evening, the men are back at the bar drinking and reliving the day's adventure. The third man proceeds to tell them how he got really scared, and what the gruff old sergeant screamed at him. They asked, "So, did you jump?"
He replied "Yeah, I jumped a little............"

 

[Pops1967GTX]

 

[BB BELLA]

A guy goes into a pet store looking to buy a parrot,the owner tells him the prices and he's shocked! he asks if they have any that are cheaper, the owner replies "yes we have one that has no legs but talks pretty good" The guy goes over to the cage and there's a parrot on a perch. he says how does the parrot stay on the perch, the parrot replies "I just wrap my dick around it and hold on"! The guy is amazed and buys the parrot and takes him home! a couple days go by and he comes home from work, goes to the cage and asks the parrot how the day went? the parrot say "A ups guy came to the door today and your wife was pretty nice to him" the guys very curious and asks the parrot what happened? the parrot says "she started kissing him and undoing her housecoat" the guy says "then what happened" the parrot replies 'he took her over to the kitchen table and bent her over the table" the guys getting pretty mad "then what happened" the parrot replied "I'm not sure I got a hard on and fell off the perch"

 

[BB BELLA]

A guy reads an add about a dog for sale. He goes to the house and asks to see the dog. the owner points him out in the backyard. the guy says he's pretty old looking. the owner says yah but i keep him around cause he can talk! the guy thinks he's crazy but says I want to go out and see him. the owner says have at it. the guy goes out in the yard walks up to the dog and starts talking to the dog "how you doing buddy" the dog speaks up "not bad I'm getting old so I just like laying around now" the guy is freaking out and says "what got you so tired" the dog says " I started out as an army dog was over in iraq for a while,came back was a police dog and bomb sniffer for a while and ended up with the cia until I got too old to detect ambushs! the guy is amazed runs in the house and tells the owner I want to buy that dog why are you selling him. the guy says "cause he's a bullshitter he's never been out of the yard"