To quote the famous Henny Youngman..
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
