Ironbuilts' Jokes

[Ironbuilt]

A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the United States Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seemed that, after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated, then let loose again...and thus the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's association by Sierra Club and USFS.

Well, all the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood up, kicked his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem." These coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep....they're eatin' 'em".

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....

That night, all three will wear a leather bodice S &M style, stilettoes and a mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boy friend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cm stilettoes and mask. As he saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made l*ve all night long

The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettoes, the mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night

The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettoes and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:

'Hi Batman, what's for dinner'?

 

[Ironbuilt]

A Cork radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: 96FM here, what's your name?

Caller: Hi my names's Dave

DJ: Dave, what's your word?

Caller: Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronunced GO-AN

DJ: You are correct Dave 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense.

Caller: Goan **** yourself

The DJ cust the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: 96FM, what's your name?

Caller: Hi the name is Jeff

DJ: Jeff, what's your word?

Caller: Smee... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'.

DJ: ... You are correct, Jeff 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that makes sense?

Caller: Smee again! Goan **** yourself!

 

[Ironbuilt]

This lady wanted bigger breasts, so she went to her doctor to get a referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor says he would like her to try an exercise before surgery or drugs, see how it works first. He stands up to demonstrate, holds his arms straight out to the side, rotates them counterclockwise, and says, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust." She tries it, the doctor tells her to do that as often as she can, and come back in a week.

One week later, she's back at the doctor, and tells him that it didn't work. The doctor asks her how often she did the exercise, she says 4-5 times a day. The doctor tells her to do it more, 30 times a day at least, and asks her to come back in another week. She tries this, performing the exercise whenever she can.

One day, as she waited to check out at Safeway, she started her exercise. "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I'll have a big bust."

The man in front of her turns around, asks if she sees Dr. Johnson.

"Yes, how did you know?" she replies.

The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in a circular motion, and says, "Hickory dickory dock......."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce.

The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some tosser out there wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager saw the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"Originally from Essex sir", the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Essex?", the manager asked.

The boy answered, "Sir there's nothing but whores and footballers there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex."

"No ****!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

 

[Ironbuilt]

There was a little boy who loved to dress up like a cowboy and pretend that he was one. His mother gave him some money one day to go to the local soda fountain and buy a sundae.

As the little boy ordered the sundae, the waitress asked him, "Do you want one scoop or two"?

The little boy said, "Two, please".

Then the waitress asked, "Do you you want chocolate sauce"?

The little boy replied, "Yes, please".

Then the waitress asked the little boy, "Do you want your nuts crushed"?

The little boy pulled his toy gun out, pointed it at the waitress and said, "Do you want your tits shot off"?

 

[Ironbuilt]

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when suddenly she had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer. Two floors later, a gentleman got on the elevator.

He began to sniff...

The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something"?

"Well, yes I do", he replied.

"What does it smell like"?

The bemused gentleman answered, "I'm not sure, but it kinda smells like someone **** in a pine tree".

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.

Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.”

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
“Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

“Oh yeah?” the man asked… “And where were you when I got married?”

 

[Ironbuilt]

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by", one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too", said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too", said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said... "Quit your bitching and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass"!

 

[Ironbuilt]

Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped".

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled".

So that's what Joe did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion"?

"Yes, I did", said Joe.

"Did she like it" His buddy asked?

"Oh yes! she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour"!!

 

[Ironbuilt]

A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem.

The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"

The old Jew doesn't answer.

"Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what time is it?"

The old Jew looks up him, but still doesn't answer.

The young Jew is puzzled, "Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really want to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me?"

The old Jew turns toward the young man and says, "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You would fall in love with her and you'd want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a ******* watch"?

 

[Ironbuilt]

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!


(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake
{G} Get a Reduction..
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

 

[Ironbuilt]

A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.

The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped. The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine"!

"Wow," said Banker Bill, "what did the vet do to that bull"?

"Just gave him some pills", replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills" asked Banker Bill?

"I don't know, but they kind of taste like peppermint".

 

[Ironbuilt]

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.

Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Little Johnny, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So, Little Johnny and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Little Johnny, "Well, did you find it"?

Little Johnny is quick with his reply, "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards".

 

[Ironbuilt]

Twelve monks were about to be ordained.

The final test was forthem to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring......

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure'?

She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston'.

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'
'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality'.

'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myths are there'?

'Well', she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait'.

'Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best'.

'I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck'.

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name'.

'Tonto', the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba'.

 

[Ironbuilt]

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you'?

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age', the mother replied.

'It's not polite'.

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh'?

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce'?

'That is enough questions, young lady, honestly'!

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.


'Well', says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it'.

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are, you are 32'.

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out'?

'I also know that you weigh 140 pounds'.

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in heaven's name did you find that out'?

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why you and daddy got a divorce'.

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why'?




'Because you got an F in sex'.

 

[Ironbuilt]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home"? asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project", said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her three times.