Ironbuilts' Jokes

[Ironbuilt]

A girl hits puberty and starts to grow hair between her legs. She asks her mom what's going on to which she replies, "Don't worry about that, that's your monkey. It's natural that your monkey will grow hair."

Later at dinner the girl tells her older sister, "Guess what? My monkey already started growing hair!."

Her older sister replies, "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A lady cop pulls over an old man and his wife. She asks the man for his license and registration. He asks his wife, "What did she say?"

His wife replies, "She asked for your license and registration dear." He hands the officer what she asked for.

The police woman then says, "Oh you're from New York? I used to have a lover from New York. But he was a terrible lover."

The man asks his wife, "What did she say?"

His wife replies, "She thinks she used to know you."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man walks into his doctor's office. His doctor tells him, "Your wife's results came back positive. I can't remember if it was AIDS or Alzheimer's though."

The man replies, "That's not very helpful. Can you just test her again?"

The doctor replies, "How about you leave her in the middle of the forest and if she finds her way home don't **** her."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Three dudes are talking about their wedding nights. The first says, "I got way too drunk. Out of habit I handed her $50 when we were done. She called me a 'whore monger' and ignored me the entire honeymoon."

The next guy says, "Same here. I got wasted and after we had sex I gave her $60. She slapped me and didn't talk to me for a week!"

The third guy says, "I've got you both beat."

One of the other guys asks, "Yeah, how?"

He replies, "I got totally smashed on my wedding night. After we had sex I handed my wife $100... She gave me $70 change."

 

[Ironbuilt]

On the way home from work a woman stops at a pet store. She sees a parrot and immediately falls in love with it. She asks the salesperson, "Can I get the parrot?"

The salesperson replies, "Of course, but I do have to warn you the parrot lived in a brothel. So he has picked up some colorful language."

The woman doesn't care so she buys the bird and brings it home. Once home, she puts the bird's cage on a shelf and uncovers it. The bird says, "A new madam! Hello madam."

A few hours later her daughters come home and the bird says, "New girls! Hello girls!"

A few hours after this the woman's husband comes home and the parrot says, "Hi Tom!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Tom and Jenna have been having problems in bed so Jenna confides in one of her friends, Sally. Sally tells Jenna, "You should go see my sex therapist. Me and John were having issues and he told us to buy donuts and grapes. I eat the doughnut off of John's penis and he uses his tongue to eat the grapes out of me. Ever since, our sex life has been better than ever."

So Tom and Jenna go to see the sex therapist. When they arrive the secretary tells them to strip down and wait in his office. When the therapist arrives he turns around and tells them, "I can't help you."

Jenna yells back, "Wait! Can't you just give us the same advice you gave John and Sally?"

He says, "Okay, on your way home buy some life savers and a coconut."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man goes to an assassin because his wife is sleeping with his best friend. The assassin tells him, "It's going to cost you $1000 per bullet."

The man says, "What if you miss?"

The assassin replies, "I don't miss."

With this they head off to the motel where his wife is with his friend. The man says, "I want my wife shot in the head and I want you to blow my friends dick off."

The assassin takes aim and waits a few minutes, "Aren't you going to shoot?"

The assassin replies, "Hold up, I think I can save you $1000."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man is making sweet love to his wife. He looks over to the doorway and sees that his son is watching. The boy runs off so the man tells his wife, "I should go talk to him."

The man goes to his son's room to find him nailing Grandma. The father yells, "What the hell?"

The boy replies, "Not so funny when it's your mom, now is it?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Three woman are sitting and talking about the best soda pop based nicknames for their boyfriends. One girl says "My boyfriend is like 7-Up because he can keep it up all week."

The next girl says "Oh yeah? My boyfriend is like Mountain Dew because he can do me on top of my mountains any day."

The last woman says "You can call my boyfriend Jack Daniels."

Another girl protests "You have to compare him to a pop. That's a hard liquor."

The last girl replies with a wink "Exactly."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A little boy catches his dad looking at **** and asks him "Dad, what's that between the guys legs?"

The father responds "That's his third leg."

Then the little boy asks "What about that lady?"

The father replies "Well that's her second mouth."

The little boy thinks for a while and says "Is that why guys walk so fast and women talk so much?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A blonde woman fears that her husband has been cheating on her so she goes to the gun shop and buys a pistol. The next day when she comes home from work she finds her husband in bed with another woman. She takes out the gun and puts it to her own head. Her husband yells "Don't shoot yourself!"

She yells back "Shut up! You're next!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A janitor working at a church is sweeping the floors when a priest approaches him in a hurry, "Hey! I have to use the bathroom, can you hear confessions for a bit?"

The janitor replies, "I have no idea what penance to give."

The father replies, "There's a little chart on the wall, it's easy."

The janitor agrees and gets in the box. Within minutes people start coming in. The first person says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned, it has been 1 month since my last confession and I have lied."

The janitor scans the chart, "Lies, lies, lies. Here we go! Say 5 Hail Mary's and 5 Our Fathers!"

The next person comes in, "Forgive me father for I have sinned, it's been 6 month since my last confession and I committed adultery."

The janitor find adultery, "Adultery, adultery... There! Say 10 Hail Mary's and 10 Our Fathers!"

A third person comes in and says, "Forgive me father I have sinned, it has been a year since my last confession and I performed oral sex 8 times on different men."

Again, the janitor scans the chart but he can't find oral sex. He cracks open the confessional and stops an alter boy, "Hey, what does the priest usually give for oral sex?"

The alter boy replies, "Most of the time some candy and a Coke."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man goes to a restaurant and is seated by an extremely hot waitress. When she asks him for his order he replies, "I'll have a quickie." The waitress storms off angry.

After she regains composure she comes back and asks him once again what he will have. He replies, "All I want is a quickie." She can't control herself this time so she slaps him.

A man sitting near him leans over and whispers, "Sir, I think it's pronounced 'Quiche'."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A young boy named Connor walks in on his father putting a condom on. He asks his dad, "What are you doing?!"

His father says, "Oh, I'm looking for a mouse."

Connor replies, "Why? Are you going to **** it?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Three strangers are sitting at a bar quietly. One of the men goes to the bathroom and the two remaining men start to talk "How's life?"

The other man says "Pretty good, I just got promoted and bought my girlfriend a Mercedes. How about you?"

The other man replies "No complaints. Me and my girlfriend just got a house down in California."

The third man comes back from the bathroom with a grin on his face. The other men ask him why he is so happy and he says "My girlfriend just called me and said she is taking me to California for the weekend in her new Mercedes!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A prostitute is at a man's house after accepting payment. The man is in the bathroom taking a shower when the woman realizes she is on her period. She already accepted payment and the man is attractive, so she decides to turn the lights off and leave early in the morning.

They have some wild drunkin' sex and the woman leaves early in the morning. When the guy wakes up he sees a pool of blood next to him in the bed. "I must have shot her," he thinks to himself. But when he checks his gun it hasn't been shot.

Then he thinks, "I must have stabbed her." But when he checks the knifes in the kitchen their is not blood.

At this point he goes to the bathroom and looks up at himself in the mirror, "Oh no! I ate her!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Micky Mouse wants to get a divorce from Minnie but the judge tells him, "I cannot let you divorce your wife."

Micky replies, "Why not?"

The judge tells him, "Because you cannot prove your claim that she is crazy."

Outraged, Micky yells at the judge, "I didn't say she was crazy! I said she was ******* Goofy!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

An old man is sitting on his porch and sees a young boy walking by with some chicken wire. He yells to him, "What are you doing boy?"

The boy replies, "I'm gonna catch me some chickens!"

The man replies, "I don't think it works that way!"

A few hours later the boy walks by again with a ton of chickens strung along the wire.

The next day the boy walks by with a roll of duct tape and the old man yells to him, "What are you doing?"

The boy replies, "I'm gonna get some ducks!"

The old man yells back, "I don't think that's how it works!"

But sure enough he walks by a few hours later with a ton of ducks.

The next day the boy walks by the old man's house with a stick with a fuzzy thing at the end.

The old man yells to him, "What do you have there?!"

The boy yells back, "I've got some pussy willow!"

The old man yells back, "Wait! Let me get my shoes!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

One day a wife asked her husband, "Honey, would you please mow the lawn?" Her husband responded "Who do you think I am, John Deere?"

Later the wife asked, "Would you please paint the house?" Her husband said, "Who do you think I am, Sherwin Williams?" Then he left to go fishing for the weekend.

When he got back home, he was surprised to see the lawn was mowed and the house was painted. He asked her how she got all of it done. She said, "The guy next door did it. He wanted me to either bake him a cake or give him a blow job."

So the husband asked, "What kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "Who do you think I am, Betty Crocker?"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man in a restaurant sees an extremely attractive woman sitting alone, so he decides to send her a nice bottle of wine. The waiter brings the wine to the lady. The lady looks at the bottle for a moment and sends a message back to the man. It reads: 'For me to accept this bottle of wine you must have a Mercedes in your garage, a few million dollars in your bank, and seven inches in your pants.'

He reads the message, laughs, and sends back one of his own: 'Just send it back. I have a Ferrari, Mercedes, and a Corvette. I have twenty million in the bank and a house in Aspen, LA, and Miami. But I will NEVER cut three inches off for any woman.'