Starbucks Engineers Have Reportedly Almost Developed Cup Of Coffee Half As Good As McDonald's

[Richard Cranium]

June 15th, 2022

SEATTLE, WA—According to sources, Starbucks engineers have almost perfected a cup of coffee half as good as the one at McDonald's. If achieved, Starbucks sales are expected to increase by over 1%.

Starbucks CEO Franklin Buck is reportedly confident that the organization will soon have a pretty good cup of coffee ready for public consumption. Under his direction, engineers have worked tirelessly for the past three years hunting the industry's white whale: coffee that tastes good.

"The one thing we have over [McDonald's] right now is the atmosphere," said Bucks. "No one likes eating here but people love hanging out at Starbucks all day without buying anything. Our two biggest clienteles are failed novelists and transients. Problem is, they don't buy much coffee!"

"It's just not a sustainable business model."

A survey of Starbucks patrons has revealed they would be more likely to buy coffee if it tasted even half as good as the coffee at McDonald's, but that charging over 5 dollars for a cup would be a deal-breaker.

"McDonald's is on almost as many street corners as Starbucks," said Wilma Konifertale, a regular Starbucks restroom user. "I'm just going to go across the street for coffee if they don't change their pricing scheme."

"If I wanted pretentious coffee I'd go to an independent business that doesn't feed into the corporate takeover of America," she added. "And their coffee is even more expensive!"

At publishing time, inside sources at Starbucks have revealed the company is also attempting to reverse engineer the Sausage Egg McMuffin and sell it for $34.00.

 

[joe smith]

Both of these places coffee is the worst ever. One tastes burnt and the other is some old reheated transmission fluid ........ Try a Dutch Bros, if you want a good cup of java

 

[Ron H]

Like mac’s large coffee for $1.05 and buy the stuff at the store for brewing at home. My daughter worked at Starbucks for several years finding the culture more suffocating with their dumb-down management structure. Reminded me of an organization I worked for trying to establish a cult-like structure…it was scary with co-employees becoming zombie-like reciting jingles from workshops to keep the culture. Included calling one out if they sounded like someone not committed to the ‘culture’. Lol, I was one of them asking “Is anyone here concerned about what we’re all about? Like we provide a certain customer service we get paid to provide that doesn’t include spending time in a conference room to develop a culture?”

 

[Hey-O]

And no tip jar for a job well done....

 

[WileERobby]

A BIG disagree on Mc D's coffee. For a buck or less, I'll get a coffee as good or better than Suckbucks or Dunkin Dodo. Better yet, Mc D's gives you a senior discount on the coffee.

 

[Budnicks]

F--k Starbucks, not one dime of mine, never ever...

 

[Photon440]

McDonald's has been ahead of Starbucks in taste tests for years. Even when McDonald's was using Seattle's Best Coffee which, ironically, was owned by Starbucks. They now use Gaviña coffee.