Was I in the wrong?

[1967coronet440]

You did it 100% right, Bo. It wont be easy, but like everybody says, you be the bigger man and IMHO the only thing that counts is the boy. At 7, he is perceptive to "bigger" things and it is obvious that he respects you.

Keep on the same path, brother. And next time (cuz there will be a next time) he shows up drunk, call the cops, the lawyer or both...if you really want to screw him, deny him the boy again and call the cops after he leaves. Instant DUI.

Thanks mar, I realize now I should’ve gotten the police involved and will do so in the future, it’s hard though growing up the way I did we didn’t involve the police, we handled it ourselves. I realize I’m not 17 anymore single with no kids lol and police would’ve been the better choice.

 

[1967coronet440]

You did well and the time and I thank you to trust the members here to share this event. May parents divorced when I was two and with a brother on the way made six kids. It has never been easy. I got married young and told my then fiance at the time if and when we had kids I was there for the long haul no matter what. No other man that came along in the wifes life after a divorce was going to lay a hand on my kids. I wasn't easy as we both were hard headed. But we stuck together and recently celebrated our forty-eighth anniversary. Both our kids are good people in their mid-forties.

Thanks aug, I got no problem sharing as I respect all your guys opinions and advice. I’ve had to weed out most of my friends growing up so I don’t have too many places to turn for solid advice other than here.

 

[1967coronet440]

Oh man....I could write a book about my experiences with my wife's and step daughter's crap over the years and her X husband was of no help whatsoever. "Her" daughter was 9 when we got married and the wife did the 'feeling sorry for the child of a divorce bit' after we talked about not doing that before we got married. Long story short, one day my new wife basically told me "she's my daughter and I'll take care of it" after I was trying to discipline her. It was a verbal scolding and didn't involve any threats, physical violence and wasn't raising my voice but was being stern.

My big mistake was that I did just that and let the wife handle it until I couldn't take it anymore. Real long story short, years later I told her it was my way or the hi-way because your way ain't working and a ton of crap later, things got better. The step daughter will be 42 this year and is finally doing pretty good......and she calls me dad. 25 years later of a 32 year marriage and the wife is gone again. She ain't coming back this time especially since the kids are grown and gone. The first time she left, our youngest was 5 and just didn't want that to be permanent. I guess 'until death do we part' doesn't mean much to her.

My advice to you is to stay as calm as possible, don't raise your voice to anyone involved. Staying calm but stern is the way things work for the best. Believe me, I know all too well how hard that is to do.

Thanks cranky, I was hoping you’d chime in buddy.

 

[Ghostrider 67]

Bo. Lots of great advice and relevant stories here.
here's my 2 cents. kids notice everything. Your stepson has surely noticed everything about his father and everything about you. Kids know instantly who is being truthful with them and who loves and cares for them, and who does not. All issues and feelings aside, they know regardless. IMHO, because I too am a stepdad of a brilliant son, your best bet is to be mature, calm, loving, and above all truthful with your son. If it were me, I feel like I would spend some alone time with him and have a frank conversation about what it means to be a good man, and a good father. I don't mean that you should talk down his father, just the opposite. Acknowledge that his father is just that, his Father. But, also show him that things like drinking, communicating threats via the child, immature behavior in front of children and hatred are all things that should be avoided by good men. Be sure to tell him that you love him, and that you care about how he turns out as a grown up. His father should be thankful that his son has a good and caring man to help his mother raise him and to not be trying to hurt your feelings or cause the boy to dislike you as you are doing your best for him.
My son, Tim had some of these same moments as you have described when he was that age. He told me virtually the very same thing one evening, that his Father had made drunken threats about hurting me. He asked me what I was going to do about it. I was paying attention to his attitude as he asked me and realized that he was scared that one or both of us would get into a fight about it. I said that the main thing to think about when in this situation is what the child, him, thought about it all. Tim then said that he thought that his Father was mad because he had left his family and now I was the one that was having all the fun with him. I almost cried. I told him that I expected that was part of it but another part of it was that he felt bad about himself and used drinking alcohol as a way to make himself feel better. Also that striking out against other people like that is a way to place the blame for everything onto someone else. I gave him an example about the time he got caught making a one sided deal with another kid for a Pokémon card that he knew was not worth what he got in trade for it. He said that it was not his fault the kid was dumb. I allowed as how that was true, but, it WAS his fault for ripping him off because of it. We talked about being fair, even when you think nobody else will know. I said that I would not say or do anything about his fathers threat because I knew it would not be fair, and that it would worry him. He asked me why it wouldn't be fair. I said it wouldn't be fair because I knew, even if his father didn't, that saying those things and sending that sort of message through a child was just plain wrong. I would be just as wrong to reply, or to get into a fight about it. He asked me if I was scared of his father. I said no, I was not scared of anybody, but, I WAS concerned that his father was drinking and making threats because that's not the right way to behave. I said that I wanted him to feel safe with me and to feel that he could always tell me anything with the knowledge that I would stay calm and help him instead of getting mad and saying wrong things. He gave me a big hug and went on about his business. After the next time he visited him he told me his father had been drinking again and telling his friends about how I was scared and a punk. He said he knew right then that I was right.

 

[Bladecutter]

You are doing the right thing EVERY day by being a Father to that boy. Like other members stated, give him time and he will see who the real man is. I commend you for not putting your hands on that asshole, but that would've reduced you to his level and you're obviously above that. Keep up the good work, you seem like a really good man.

I can't reason why anybody red X'd Your post. Must be a fat finger mistake

 

[Ironbuilt]

I can't reason why anybody red X'd Your post. Must be a fat finger mistake

WOW, I would certainly hope so. I didn't even notice that. Maybe Auggie was hitting the bottle a little.

 

[440RUSH]

I agree with everybody else that posted here. Always take the high road like you're doing. It kind of looks like the X husband is using the boy to get at you and your wife. Which is very wrong. Children will always figure these things out. Good luck

 

[biomedtechguy]

Bo. Lots of great advice and relevant stories here.
here's my 2 cents. kids notice everything. Your stepson has surely noticed everything about his father and everything about you. Kids know instantly who is being truthful with them and who loves and cares for them, and who does not. All issues and feelings aside, they know regardless. IMHO, because I too am a stepdad of a brilliant son, your best bet is to be mature, calm, loving, and above all truthful with your son. If it were me, I feel like I would spend some alone time with him and have a frank conversation about what it means to be a good man, and a good father. I don't mean that you should talk down his father, just the opposite. Acknowledge that his father is just that, his Father. But, also show him that things like drinking, communicating threats via the child, immature behavior in front of children and hatred are all things that should be avoided by good men. Be sure to tell him that you love him, and that you care about how he turns out as a grown up. His father should be thankful that his son has a good and caring man to help his mother raise him and to not be trying to hurt your feelings or cause the boy to dislike you as you are doing your best for him.
My son, Tim had some of these same moments as you have described when he was that age. He told me virtually the very same thing one evening, that his Father had made drunken threats about hurting me. He asked me what I was going to do about it. I was paying attention to his attitude as he asked me and realized that he was scared that one or both of us would get into a fight about it. I said that the main thing to think about when in this situation is what the child, him, thought about it all. Tim then said that he thought that his Father was mad because he had left his family and now I was the one that was having all the fun with him. I almost cried. I told him that I expected that was part of it but another part of it was that he felt bad about himself and used drinking alcohol as a way to make himself feel better. Also that striking out against other people like that is a way to place the blame for everything onto someone else. I gave him an example about the time he got caught making a one sided deal with another kid for a Pokémon card that he knew was not worth what he got in trade for it. He said that it was not his fault the kid was dumb. I allowed as how that was true, but, it WAS his fault for ripping him off because of it. We talked about being fair, even when you think nobody else will know. I said that I would not say or do anything about his fathers threat because I knew it would not be fair, and that it would worry him. He asked me why it wouldn't be fair. I said it wouldn't be fair because I knew, even if his father didn't, that saying those things and sending that sort of message through a child was just plain wrong. I would be just as wrong to reply, or to get into a fight about it. He asked me if I was scared of his father. I said no, I was not scared of anybody, but, I WAS concerned that his father was drinking and making threats because that's not the right way to behave. I said that I wanted him to feel safe with me and to feel that he could always tell me anything with the knowledge that I would stay calm and help him instead of getting mad and saying wrong things. He gave me a big hug and went on about his business. After the next time he visited him he told me his father had been drinking again and telling his friends about how I was scared and a punk. He said he knew right then that I was right.

Wow man-GREAT ADVICE, good story, I'm glad to know better how you think. Good job GR67!

 

[Budnicks]

I know all sides of that story about the step parents
& tribulations all to well...
I know all too well about the "sperm donor syndrome too"
I won't go too far into my tale...
I've shared it before here too...

You're a good man, I'm sure it took some real restraint
to not pound the biological douchebag dad into the ground...

You did the right thing,
even if I may have done something different...
I'd like to think I'd have not wanted to kick his *** up &
down the street in-front of "your son", his biological child
&
I understand saying something like
"if he touches you, I'll kick his *** too",
he shouldn't have said it to the kid at all
IF it was warranted & you are abusive than maybe...

but;
IMO it doesn't sound to me like that's your type at all,
not for something that doesn't warrant some sort of punishments...

I would talk to the guy in private & tell him what's up & how it is,
you don't like what he said & the drinking **** is completely wrong
especially when dealing with a child in a car, while his *** being drunk,
"there's no excuse at all for that ****"

Good luck I hope it works out for the best...

Oh yeah I knew all to well my stepfather was
looking out for my best interests, cared for my mom {RIP} too
it took a while but it sunk in, but he was the one that raised me...

Now my real dad is a pretty good father, it only too 30 or so years...

I knew it long before too...
Your stepson hopefully isn't corrupted by the "sperm donor"
mentality...

Not all real biological fathers are like that too,
even after a bad or contentious divorce...
I'm sure some mothers are real pieces of work too...
There's usually a good reason why they got divorced in the 1st place
on both sides...

Keep fighting the good fight...

 

[WileERobby]

To the initial post, I would've immediately replied to the boy: "Hmm. I don't know why he would think that way, I would NEVER do something like that." With that, the lad would gain a clear perspective of the difference between you and the garbage person he is. And, I would ignore the moron that he is, people like that want to sink you to their level. Stay above it.

 

[1967coronet440]

Bo. Lots of great advice and relevant stories here.
here's my 2 cents. kids notice everything. Your stepson has surely noticed everything about his father and everything about you. Kids know instantly who is being truthful with them and who loves and cares for them, and who does not. All issues and feelings aside, they know regardless. IMHO, because I too am a stepdad of a brilliant son, your best bet is to be mature, calm, loving, and above all truthful with your son. If it were me, I feel like I would spend some alone time with him and have a frank conversation about what it means to be a good man, and a good father. I don't mean that you should talk down his father, just the opposite. Acknowledge that his father is just that, his Father. But, also show him that things like drinking, communicating threats via the child, immature behavior in front of children and hatred are all things that should be avoided by good men. Be sure to tell him that you love him, and that you care about how he turns out as a grown up. His father should be thankful that his son has a good and caring man to help his mother raise him and to not be trying to hurt your feelings or cause the boy to dislike you as you are doing your best for him.
My son, Tim had some of these same moments as you have described when he was that age. He told me virtually the very same thing one evening, that his Father had made drunken threats about hurting me. He asked me what I was going to do about it. I was paying attention to his attitude as he asked me and realized that he was scared that one or both of us would get into a fight about it. I said that the main thing to think about when in this situation is what the child, him, thought about it all. Tim then said that he thought that his Father was mad because he had left his family and now I was the one that was having all the fun with him. I almost cried. I told him that I expected that was part of it but another part of it was that he felt bad about himself and used drinking alcohol as a way to make himself feel better. Also that striking out against other people like that is a way to place the blame for everything onto someone else. I gave him an example about the time he got caught making a one sided deal with another kid for a Pokémon card that he knew was not worth what he got in trade for it. He said that it was not his fault the kid was dumb. I allowed as how that was true, but, it WAS his fault for ripping him off because of it. We talked about being fair, even when you think nobody else will know. I said that I would not say or do anything about his fathers threat because I knew it would not be fair, and that it would worry him. He asked me why it wouldn't be fair. I said it wouldn't be fair because I knew, even if his father didn't, that saying those things and sending that sort of message through a child was just plain wrong. I would be just as wrong to reply, or to get into a fight about it. He asked me if I was scared of his father. I said no, I was not scared of anybody, but, I WAS concerned that his father was drinking and making threats because that's not the right way to behave. I said that I wanted him to feel safe with me and to feel that he could always tell me anything with the knowledge that I would stay calm and help him instead of getting mad and saying wrong things. He gave me a big hug and went on about his business. After the next time he visited him he told me his father had been drinking again and telling his friends about how I was scared and a punk. He said he knew right then that I was right.

Randy, thanks for taking the time to type that up that’s some great advice.

 

[HT413]

Lot of good responses here. I’ll say this, a drunk who has someone else raise his kid... not exactly an empowered individual. Maybe he was just trying to show his boy he loves him in the only way he knows how. Ya know, “I’m a **** up, son, but if anyone touches you, boy, I’ll kill them. Even that guy.”

Might not have thought it through that the boy would have said it to ya? Though I can see how that galls ya, Bo. I guess I’m just trying to throw some positive light on it.

Besides, as everyone said above, the kids know the truth without our saying. It’s all in our actions and our convictions. That’s what sticks.

 

[1967coronet440]

Lot of good responses here. I’ll say this, a drunk who has someone else raise his kid... not exactly an empowered individual. Maybe he was just trying to show his boy he loves him in the only way he knows how. Ya know, “I’m a **** up, son, but if anyone touches you, boy, I’ll kill them. Even that guy.”

Might not have thought it through that the boy would have said it to ya? Though I can see how that galls ya, Bo. I guess I’m just trying to throw some positive light on it.

Besides, as everyone said above, the kids know the truth without our saying. It’s all in our actions and our convictions. That’s what sticks.

Ya know my wife seems to think that Jayden (the 7yo) was probaly talking about me a lot around him then mix the booze in and it probaly fired him up. Thanks for the advice

 

[Ghostrider 67]

Randy, thanks for taking the time to type that up that’s some great advice.

Your welcome and I hope it helps...

 

[rumblefish360]

First off this is a post about a personal event in my life, I know some people think you shouldn’t post that stuff here but I am, so if you don’t agree with it don’t read below or respond.

My wife had a kid from her previous marriage, he’s a Good kid I treat him like he’s mine, I’d take a bullet for him. Anyway he came back from his dads a couple weeks ago and one night at the dinner table told me that his dad told him that if I ever put my hands on him that he would kick my ***. Essentially I let it go and only responded “ok” but I thought about it more later and wtf kind of message is that to relay through a kid? If it’s me I’m telling the guy to his face, “you touch my son and I’m ******* you up” even though I don’t think he even has the room to say that since he literally provides nothing for the kid, but that’s another story. so when he came to pick him up Friday I went out there before the wife and kid and told him how I felt. “If you got anything to say to me, say it here don’t involve the kid” it got a bit heated, voices were raised but no punches thrown (i wanted to drop his *** but knew the kid was coming out any second) he was drunk, he’s been too rehab twice for alcoholso I ended up not even letting the kid go since I could smell beer on him. Anyway my wife wasn’t happy I went out there to talk to him but I felt it was 100% necessary, what say you?

I Apologize for the mini rant...

any input is appreciated as always.

Bo

Bo, I read your (1st) post and only your post.
I am behind you and I think you did the right thing. It could only have been followed up by a very delicate but brutally honest conversation with your step son about his dad without trashing his dad.

I wish you the best of luck.

In the future, write down in detail every last little detail of him picking up your son from a view point of innocent bystander point of view. Video it if you can secretly with sound. The best equipment is expensive but so worth it if something comes to bare in a bad way.

 

[BeeKool]

I'm the product of a divorced household.
Don't ever remember my biological parents being married. I was fortunate that they didn't fight with one another and were above such stupidity regardless of how they felt about the others new marriage.
Boys sperm donor sounds like a douche, kid will realize that someday when he sees that his clothes and his bicycle and his car come from you and not some cellar dweller.

 

[rumblefish360]

I told my divorced friend to write everything down. His X was a real piece of work. There seemed to be no depth she would dive to make his life a living hell.

When the time came, he had answers for every question his son had. He just basically opened up his book. His son got a huge ldmof the book and confronted his mother whom had not a word to explain much of anything.

A victory? Not so much. Vindicated would be much closer to correct. Now the mother is childless. By her own hand. 20+ years in the making.