Ironbuilts' Jokes

[Ironbuilt]

A man walks into a bar and asks for rum and coke. The bartender hands him an apple. The man, surprised, takes a bite of the apple and it tastes like rum.

The bartender says, "Turn it around!"

The man takes a bite and says, "And that's coke!"

Another man came into the bar and orders gin and tonic. The bartender hands him an apple and tells him to take a bite. The man is surprised to taste tonic. The bartender tells him to flip it around and he tastes gin.

A third man comes into the bar and the previous two men excitedly tell him about the apples, "You can order anything and the bartender will give you an apple that tastes like it!"

The man, not believing them, says, "Oh yeah? Give me an apple that tastes like pussy." The bartender hands him an apple and the man takes a bite. He immediately spits it out and yells, "That tastes like ****!"

The bartender says, "Turn it around."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man and his pregnant wife go to the doctor because she has started labor. When they arrive the doctor tells them of a great new invention he has made. He made a machine that can transfer pain from the mother to the father. The couple is ecstatic and quickly agrees, but the doctor warns the man, "Even 10% of the pain is probably more pain than you've ever felt."

They start at 10% and the husband is not effected at all. He insists they move it up to 50%. He is still not phased by the pain, but his wife is feeling a lot better. So he tells the doctor to give him all of the pain. The woman has her baby with no pain and they are all very happy.

When they get home the UPS man is dead on the porch.

 

[Ironbuilt]

A 100-year-old man enters a Catholic confessional and admits "Father, last night I had sex with a couple of 18-year-old girls for hours."

The priest sternly replies "That is a sin, I'm going to give you a penance."

The old man laughs "That won't be necessary father, I'm Jewish."

The father, confused, asks "Why are you telling me this?"

"I'm telling everyone!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A husband takes his wife golfing for the first time. He warns her to be careful but on her first drive she sends a long drive directly to her left into a large window of a mansion. "Jeez! I told you to be careful. Let's go apologize and see how much that will cost us."

They go to the front door of the house and hear a booming voice, "Come in!" As they enter the house they see glass everywhere, a broken antique lamp, and a man sitting in a large recliner.

"We're really sorry, sir," The husband apologizes.

The man in the recliner replies, "Don't worry about it, I've been stuck in that lamp for some time. You see, I'm a genie. I have three wishes to grant. I'll give one to each of you and save the last one for myself if you don't mind. So what are your wishes?"

The husband, shocked, says, "I want ten million dollars!"

The genie says, "The money is waiting for you at your house. And you?"

The wife says, "I wish for a large house in every country with maids and servants!"

The genie closes his eyes and focuses, "Done! They are all safe and sound. Now it is time for my wish. I want to have sex with your wife."

The man and his wife look at each other shocked. The wife says, "He did give us ten million dollars and countless homes... What do you think?"

The man replies, "He's just a genie, and he did do a lot for us."

So the wife and the genie go upstairs and enjoy each other for hours. After hours of passionate lovemaking the genie rolls over, "How old are you and your husband?"

She replies, "We're both 30. It's great what you did for us."

The genie replies, "It's great that you guys are 30 years old and still believe in genies."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Son: Dad! I just went on a date with the neighbor's daughter Jane, and I think I love her!
Father: Oh no, I'm sorry I never told you son. She is my daughter. Don't tell your mother.
*A few weeks pass and the son goes out with another girl*
Son: Dad! Dad! I met an even hotter girl! I think I love her! It's the other neighbor's daughters Sally!
Father: Oh no, I'm sorry I never told you son. She is my daughter too. Don't tell your mother.
*This happened several times and finally the son goes to his mother in anger*
Son: Mom! Mom! I've fallen in love with twelve girls, but dad keeps telling me he's their father!
Mom: Don't worry about what he says, he's not your father.

 

[Ironbuilt]

Tom and John are hanging out. Tom asks John, "It's fuckin' freezin' in here. Can you get me my fuckin' slippers?"

John goes upstairs to get the slippers and he comes across Tom's hot 21-year-old twin sisters. He tells them, "Your brother told me to have sex with both of you."

One of the sisters replies, "Prove it!"

John yells downstairs, "Tom! Both of them?!."

Tom yells back, "Of course! What's the point of fuckin' one?!."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man walks into a bar and grabs a menu:

Hamburger $5

Beer $5

Handjob $5

A gorgeous waitress walks up to take his order and he asks her, "Are you the ones giving the handjobs?"

She licks her lips and replies, "Yes."

He puts a $5 bill on the table and says, "Well wash your hands, I want a burger!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Steve Irwin walks into a bar with his pet crocodile. He sets it on the counter and announces to the bar, "Let's all make a deal. I'm going to put my scrotum in the crocodile's mouth and shut it. After a minute I'll open his mouth and my testicles will be fine. If I can do it, you all get me a beer!"

The entire bar shouts their approval so he opens the crocodile's mouth, puts his genitals in, and shuts its mouth. After a minute of drinking a beer Steve takes his empty bottle and cracks the crocodile over the head with it causing him to open his mouth. Steve takes his genitals out unscathed as promised. Then he announces, "If anyone else can do it I'll give 'em $100!"

After a few minutes of silence a shy blonde woman walks over to him and says, "I'll try that, just don't hit me so hard with the bottle."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A cop is doing his regular patrol and sees a car parked in the lover's lane with the windows all steamy. He approaches the car and knocks on the window. "Can I help you officer?" the boy inside the car asks the officer.

The cop replies, "Uh, yeah. What are you guys doing out here so late?"

The boy replies, "I'm just reading a book. She's back there playing games on her phone, I think."

The cop asks him, "Son, have you been drinking?"

The boy replies, "No way, I'm only twenty."

The cop looks to the girl, "And how old is she?"

The guy checks his phone, "Sir, in ten minutes she will be eighteen."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A little girl and boy are in a doctor's waiting room waiting for the doctor. The little girl starts to cry so the little boy asks her "What's wrong?"

The little girl responds "I have to get a blood test so they're going to cut open my finger."

The little boy's jaw drops and he says "Oh no! I'm getting a urine test."

 

[Ironbuilt]

Tyler and Connor have a friend named Nico. They like everything about him except the fact that he is extremely optimistic and always sees the bright side of everything. So one day they decide to tell him a story that he cannot find the positive in.

Nico meets Tyler at his house and Nico asks where Connor is. Tyler tells him "You didn't hear? He found his girlfriend with another guy last night and killed them both then he killed himself."

Nico says "Thank God!"

Tyler looks at him and says "Are you serious?"

Nico says "Yeah, if that would have happened a few nights ago I would be dead."

 

[Ironbuilt]

One day a teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that every Friday she will ask a question to the class and whoever answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday the teacher asks: "How many grains of sand are on the beach?" needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class: "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated little Johnny decides that the next Friday he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night Johnny takes 2 ping pong balls and paints them black. The next day he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day just when the teacher says, "here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag onto the floor sending the ping pong balls rolling to the front of the room. The entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, "Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A guy is driving through the countryside. He looks over at a hill and sees a shepherd ******* a sheep in broad daylight. He yells, "Hey! Where I come from, we sheer 'em!"

The shepherd, without pausing from his activities yells back "Sheer 'em? You can get yer own damn sheep!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

Two women are walking home from a night at the bar and have to pee, so they stop at a cemetery. With nothing to wipe with one uses her panties and the other uses a nearby wreath.

The next day one of the women's husbands calls the other, "They are never going out again! My wife came home without panties!"

The other replies, "You think that's bad? My wife came home with a card in her crack that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you!'"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man is having sex with a married woman when her husband comes home from work early. The man runs into the closet where he hears a little voice, "Sure is dark in here."

The man replies, "Yes it is."

The boys voice says, "Wanna buy this baseball for $50?"

The man replies, "What? That's outrageous."

The boy says, "Or I can just show you my dad's shotgun."

"Okay kid, here you go," the man replies as he hands the kid the money.

The next week the man is making love to the married woman and again her husband comes home early sending him to the closet. He hears the boy's voice, "It sure is dark in here... $1000 for the glove."

The man replies, "What?! That is completely ridiculous."

The boy again says, "Would you rather see the shotgun?"

The man hands him the money and takes the glove.

The next day the boy is complaining to his father that he sold his glove and ball. The father asked him, "How much you get for it?"

The boy replies, "$1050."

The father says, "You shouldn't take advantage of your friends like that! I'm taking you to church."

At church the boy gets into the confessional box and says, "It sure is dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start this **** again!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man a his wife are having dinner when a beautiful woman approaches their table and kissed the man on the cheek and walks away. His wife asks, "Who the hell was that?"

He replies, "My mistress..."

His wife shouts, "What? I want a divorce!"

He calmly replies, "Fine. But remember, you signed a prenup. If we get divorced that means no more vacations, no more shopping trips, no more credit cards, and no more beautiful house or car. But it's up to you."

She looks at him for a moment then notices one of their mutual friends entering with a beautiful lady, "Who's that with John?" she asks.

He tells her, "That's his mistress."

His wife smiles, "Ours is prettier."

 

[Ironbuilt]

One day Tom sees Joe's wife naked sunbathing in their backyard. When Tom sees Joe he brags "I've seen your wife naked."

To get back at him Joe sneaks into Tom's yard the next night and sees his wife performing oral sex. Joe sees Tom a couple of days later and tells him "Guess what? I saw your wife giving you oral a couple of days ago."

Tom laughs and replies "Good try, I wasn't in town a couple of days ago!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A couple has been happily married for ten years and have 4 kids. But for their entire relationship they have never had sex with the lights on because the husband refuses to ever have sex with the lights on. But one night, his wife decides to flick the lights on in the middle of sex. When she does she looks down and sees her husband using a dildo instead of his penis.

She becomes furious and yells at him, "Have you been doing this our entire relationship? You have some explaining to do!"

He looks at her, stunned, and says, "I'll explain this when you explain the kids."

 

[Ironbuilt]

A husband and wife decide to relive their first date on their 10th anniversary. They come to the fence that they first made love up against. The man looks at his wife "For old time's sake?" She nods and they begin to make love.

He pushes her up against the fence and says "You're even tighter than you were when we started to date!"

She replies "The fence wasn't electric 10 years ago!"

 

[Ironbuilt]

A man and woman have been married for 30 years. One morning, while in bed, the husband tells his wife, "Honey, I can't get rid of this morning wood, could you help me out?"

The wife rolls over and takes off all of her clothes.

The man rolls back over and says, "Thanks dear."